Tonight, I was able to go to worship services while G took care of J (since he still can't get out around people yet). Several of the songs leading up to the sermon were about heaven and no more tears. During the singing of "Flee As a Bird" I just couldn't get through it without tearing up and I knew there was a mini-fountain in the works so, I got up and walked out and let the tears go.
Thankfully, one of my "sisters" Tabatha was there with her two little girls so I had a shoulder to cry on. Have you ever cried soo hard that you kinda go a little weak in the knees and your whole body shakes? That was me and I hadn't done that since February (when J turned one). Then, I tried to just shake it off, regain some composure and then go back in. Apparently, the tears had other plans and when two other "sisters" came out to where I was standing, the tears came on hard again. Once again, Wendy was there for a shoulder to cry on.
I thought I was done with those kind of tears! I thought that the hardest part was behind me so why now!? The answer was kinda simple. One was due to almost 2 months of not good night's sleep (J just started sleeping through the night this last week!). Two was that Mother's day was coming up and I could see the pain in grandma's eyes. I told her about the blog and she seemed interesting in it but she has never typed on a computer (yet!). Jackie (who lost her parents in a auto accident 10 years ago), suggested that I give G a journal to write in so that she can get some of her thoughts out.
Lately, K and G have both been showing signs of breaking down emotionally but still trying to hold it together. When you lose your only child, you can't go through it alone and I've been trying to show then that there is help. G is finally starting to listen and starting to get help while K is not and it pains me to see them hurting like this. They are looking to me for support and (in a way) to "fill in" where Donovan was. I can never fill in Donovan's shoes and neither can the children. Yet, K and G are emotionally grabbing on with everything that they have. While it's good that the kids have loving, doting grandparents, each individual have to go through their own grief in their own way and no one can go through it for them.
Eventually, we all went back into the auditorium and then R and I stayed for the fellowship meal afterwards (which was both yummy and hearting at the same time). R and I then went to a fair for a few minutes (long enough for her to ride the merry-go-round and win a prize at a game of penguin's). So, we ended the day with smiles, giggles, and laughter (which is what every day should end on) but I know I would be in a straight jacket long before now if I didn't have my wonderful church family and a great God who knows.
More to follow......
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