Sunday, October 31, 2010

Well of tears

Does anyone know how deep a well goes and how much water will come from it? I know there are scientific measurements for physical wells but, I'm talking about emotional wells.

Here's the reason for the question. Last night, we were invited to a cookout with the young families of the church. Earlier, R had been very quiet and seemed rather sad (even though we had gone to a fall festival yesterday morning). During the drive over to the cookout, she had told me (very simply) that she wished that Daddy was here. My response was the same as it always had been... "I know, but he can't". R: "Why?" Me: "Because he's buried." R: "What's buried?" Me: "He's dead". R: "Why did daddy die?" Me: "Because his heart stopped working and his body is buried in the ground and his soul went back to God." R: "Oh. OK... Can I go play on the swings?" Me: "But of course! and the hayride later" R: (nothing but sounds of glee as she runs off to see her friends).

This same kind of talk has been going on for the last year and a half and I guess she just wanted to be reaffirmed that Donovan was really gone and not coming back. Once this is done, she goes back to being a kid.

For me, it's different. It took everything I had just to walk around to the back where everyone else was while being reminded that Donovan wasn't there and that he wouldn't be there to play with the kids, help with the bonfire, etc as he had 3 years ago. All I wanted to do was turn around and walk away but, I knew there would be consequences if I did that. One, I would have two very upset children who were excited to be able to have some fun with their friends. Two, I would be kicking myself later for not facing facts and just let the tears fall where they may. Managed to get our stuff where it belonged and having someone ask me how I was doing. I couldn't even look them in the eye or say anything. Managed to get in the kitchen and just let it all out. It felt like someone had just sucker punched me in the chest and nothing to do but bend over and cry hard. Thankfully, Velvet had come in to get a bottle for her little one and was there to offer a shoulder. Time just seemed to stand still for a few minutes but eventually, I had to get some air in my lungs (breathing is of necessity, hyperventilation is not).

This wasn't supposed to happen. I thought the well had finally dried up. Wrong! But, it is what it is and all I can do it pray for strength and guidance and get back to life. What is life if you don't have your up's and down's? God's constantly trying to help us get back up while Satan is constantly trying to keep us down.

Thankfully, there is my spiritual family who always pulls through (even though half the time, they don't even know it). So, thanks to Michael B and his comic relief of deciding what to drink, the guys that didn't mind picking J up or holding him when he needed a man's influence.... You guys are awesome in my book! To my "sisters" for hugs and just being extra hands (and feet) to get the kids ready to go home. That's what the christian family is like... They're there when you need a shoulder (or just to listen) and help wipe the tears and they're there when times are great and do "a happy dance" with you and I love them for that.

Over all, it was a great evening and not half as difficult as last year's bonfire. So, onward and upward!

More to follow.....

Friday, October 29, 2010


I know, Halloween is a few days away but, this is something that I've been dealing with for the last couple of weeks.

R is all for decorations and doing fun things. This year, she finally settled on being a "My Little Pony - Pinky Pie (and for those of you who don't know who that is, look it up and yes, I will have pictures asap). She also wanted to have a spooky looking house (which gives me the creeps) complete with tombstones, ghost, and skeletons in the front yard and in the house. I (on the shuddering other hand) am not all for that stuff... a few ghost... OK but the tombstones and skeletons... Not a chance.

Granted, R still doesn't have a full comprehension of skeletons, tombstones and such. To her, it looks cool and spooky (in a good way). For me, the skeletons remind me that Donovan is burred 6 feet underground and has a tombstone marker which also brings back mental images of him being on the floor and then in a casket. Even now, it's painful to think about. It wasn't supposed to be like this but, it is none the less.

Thankfully, it's not as difficult to deal with as last year and I'm not loosing any sleep (except for the fact that J is sick with a cold and hasn't been sleeping through the night - Reminder to self - This tooo shall pass) but it can easily start dragging me down if I think too much - (in comes cleaning out boxes).

R settled for a few ghost (one sleeps with her and it's name is Ghostly) and she's looking forward to the candy part. J has discovered that he has a BIG sweet tooth and will promptly let me know when he wants (9 times out of 10) a lollipop.

It is also helpful when I generally have a laugh about one of the kids (or both of them) by their innocence and energy for living every day. Sure, there are times (as with any parent) that you want to roll your eyes heaven ward and ask why but, at the end of the day, it's soooo worth it. The key is getting a balance which is something I'm still working on.

To end on a funny note: Today, J learned to say "chooo chooo" for the train and then proceed to get sooo tickled (while running in circles) if you say it back and then he repeats.

More to follow......

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Back at the batting cage again

Last week, I started taking R back in for neurotherapy and am already seeing results. The first was the fact that she sat by herself on the first visit (major surprise to the staff and to me).

Last school year, we went (almost) every week, except for the times that one (or both) of us were sick. Every week, R wouldn't sit by herself but insisted that I hold her in my lap. Usually, this was perfectly fine because 9 times out of 10, she would fall asleep because it wears her out mentally (which means she needed it in a big way). This year, the focus is still on mental stability and also being able to get past ADHD (focus).

Two days after the first session, she started wanting to read me a book before bed. Now, this may not seem like a big deal but for someone who wasn't able to stay on task for a 2 minute homework assignment and saying "I Can't! I Can't! It's too hard" to being able to sit down, do the homework (with a little bit of "I don't want to" thrown in) in a few minutes time and reading books (where there wasn't any interest before) is huge for me. She's also more confident in herself and I know that it will continue to grow as time goes on.

As for me, the last time I went in for a neurotherapy session was when J turned 1 (back in Feb). Sure, there have been some rough spots but nothing compared to last year and what I can handle or work through (aka: This blog! ha!). Granted, this year isn't over yet but, there (I think) isn't anything that I haven't had to deal with yet that I haven't had to face already (but I'm sure there's always a first). Also, I know that God and my church family is always there for me when I need it the most (even when I don't always see it sometimes).

More to follow......

Monday, October 18, 2010

Cooking.... Full steam ahead!

For the past two weeks, I've been cooking something every night. Now, most people may think that that is not uncommon. For us, it is.

For the last (a little over) year and a half, I could not seem to motivate myself to fix anything (breakfast, lunch, or dinner). Since we've moved to a new house and in the process of making it our home, I've been cooking a little bit every day. A lot of the time, R will pick out what she likes (sees) from recipe cards and then I ask her which one she wants me to fix for supper.

A friend once told me that I (we) would never have complete peace until we moved out of that house and I didn't realize how right they were until now. It's been totally liberating and not just for me but also for the children. I didn't realize how far down I had sunk until we got out of that house. Some people can be dragged down by other people. Others can be dragged down for situations that may (or may not) be out of their control. Still others can be dragged down by where they are physically and that was the case for me and I hated it. However, I won't (and shouldn't) do the would have/ should have/ could have game. Partly because I have two small children who mirror what I show them (or sometimes try to hide from them which can be just as damaging).

So, with all that being said, there will continue to be alot of messes to clean up in the kitchen but, I'm not going to complain (even if J does get jello up under the table... ha!).

More to follow.....

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Pressing on

The last couple of days have been pretty busy for us.

On Wednesday, I took R back in for some neurotherapy. Her teacher(s) had put a note that R was having a very difficult time in staying focused (even in small groups) and I knew that it was now time to get over the hurdle of getting her back on focus. At first, she told me that she didn't want to play a video game (which is what she does and her mind controls the game and gets everything back into focus). The technology is now to the point that they can go as low as .001 (which is what most children can function at) and help them with their attention difficulties.

R also really surprised everyone. She sat in the chair by herself for the first time. All the staff could say was "WOW!!". I knew that the old fears/stress that she had had at the old house were now (pretty much) gone. She hasn't had any panic attacks at night and gets a much better sleep and happier.

Thursday night, we went back to GriefWorks (which R really enjoys) and they did a session about different feelings/emotions that we all deal with a different times and at different levels. R also got to meet some new kids that had lost their mom a few months ago. In our group, it was a kind of meet and greet type of setting. Several had lost their husbands, one lady had lost her daughter, and a gentleman had lost his wife. Needless to say, just about all of them were emotionally raw. There was also a girl (age 23) who had lost her mom 2 months ago to cancer and she has 4 younger siblings. Up until the loss of her mom, her dad had pretty much kept out of the picture but now (thankfully) he's stepping up and taking responsibility (slowly). She had a lot of questions as to if the things that she was feeling were normal or not (which they were) and a general question came about the holidays and how we each prepare for those holidays.

To be honest, the thought of the coming holidays is a bit depressing for me. I also know that this is good time for us to start some traditions of our own and make them as good and happy as any. So, onwards and upwards!

More to follow......

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Have you ever had one of those feeling like you wish you could have a magic wand and it would do everything that you didn't want to do yourself. This morning, I did.

This morning, I managed to stay for about 30 minutes at the old house and started going through papers that were stashed here and there in the back room. Granted, if I had been a better housekeeper, there probably wouldn't have been stashed but, at least it was all mainly in the back corner (also the same room that I found Donovan in and yes, he was still alive when I found him).

Anywho, we had a file cabinet back there as well as a bookshelf with books and papers. There were also (I discovered) Donovan's stash of Birthday, valentines, holidays, or "just because" cards and notes that he saved. Needless to say, it wasn't easy going through those but, I didn't get teary-eyed.

What got me was a box that I found from a "secret Sis" that I had back when I was at Freed. In that box was a card and on the front were the words "The Lord Bless You and Keep You, May His Face Shine On You". Those words rang true then and they ring loud and clear now. That's when I got teary-eyed. Many times, it gets so easy to get bogged down with everything that we forget to look up and remember that His face is shining down on us.

More to follow.....

Monday, October 11, 2010


Last Friday, I ran across two zip lock bags that were in the back room and under a lot of stuff (at the old house). In them were cases and little boxes that you would see for rings/bracelets, etc.

I didn't have the heart to open them and see so, I took them home and put them in a corner until I could deal with those items. This afternoon, I went through them. There were high school rings, college ring, and things that Donovan probably got when he was either in high school or earlier.

Now, I know that wedding rings care a great deal of significance but, until you have to go through those kinds of things of someone that has been dead for over a year and a half, those little things take on a whole different meaning and significance. I asked G if she wanted anything of his and she said no. So, I'm putting back most of if for R and J (when they are much older).

Of course, this setting aside hurts because it just makes all that more real of what they are missing right now.

I'm not sure if it's jut me or if it's because a bunch of holidays are coming up or if it's just because it's overcast today, but it's hard to shake the blues off sometimes. So, what do you do when you feel yourself getting down? Me? I still have boxes clustered in various corners that are begging to be gone through, put up, and boxes reused for more stuff. In a large way, I am very ready to be done with having to back to the old house and just say "ENOUGH!". I also know that if I don't go through EVERYTHING, I could very well be kicking myself later for not doing so.

R, on the other hand, is starting to show signs of being stressed. Night before last, she woke up in the wee hours of the morning, asked me if it was time to get up and then crawled into bed with me (little sleep on my end since I'm not used to a kicker... Ha!) and then last night, she couldn't settle down to go to sleep so, I had to be in there with her and read my book (Pride and Prejudice to be exact) until she did (which took about 15 minutes). So, I think it's about time to go back into therapy (counseling and neurotherapy).

Gotta go get R from school. At least in that aspect, she's doing better. :)

More to follow......

Friday, October 8, 2010

Pictures and condolences

This morning, I was able to go through some more stuff at the old house, chiefly a box of sympathy cards and some pictures that were stashed on a shelf.

The cards/letters of sympathy had been read long ago (I actually made myself read them as they came in which helped a great deal) and seeing some of them again now has made an even bigger impact than a year ago. The hard part was the pictures that were taken over the last 7 years or so. I managed for about an hour or so and then I could feel myself starting to get heavy-hearted and knew that I needed to get out of the house and do something that I enjoyed.

So, off to an estate sale I go. New house, "new" stuff but at a better price. :) At the sale, there was a guy that was taking his time looking at everything and automatically started up asking general questions and being a very big flirt. All I could managed was a grin there or there and answering his general questions.... I am so out of the loop of these things but, it was a very welcome change to what I had been doing before hand.

Anywho, manged to get out with some pretty good deals and also got a new table and chairs (since the one we had broke - a leg gave out when R was sitting at the table and J was pulling himself up to sit with her). Needless to say, scary incident but, all is well and now we have a very sturdy table (no matter what).

So, over all, a good end to a somewhat difficult morning. I was hoping to get everything done at the old house by this weekend but, don't think that's going to happen quite as quickly as I had hoped *sigh*. Oh well... Baby steps!

More to follow.....

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Getting ready

I'm just about done with getting everything moved from one house to our home and this week is going to be tough.

One last chance to box anything up that I won't regret NOT getting later for my benefit (or the kids). I've pretty much gotten to the point that it's almost like pulling teeth just to go over there and stay for several hours to continue boxing things up. R has no interest of going back over there either. If she thinks of something that she forgot to put in her box, she'll ask me to go over there and get it for her. When I ask her if she wants to go with me and get it, it's always a resounding NO.

We've been at the new house for two weeks now and she hasn't had any panic attacks at night. There have been two times that she wanted me to be in her room with her until she fell asleep. Even then, she was sound asleep with 5 minutes. The first instance was after a really bad thunderstorm (which knocked the power out for a few minutes) and the other was because she was overtired and hot. She also doesn't have to have the overhead light on - just a little lamp. J, on the other hand, hasn't had any problems in the transition. It's the same routine for him and as long as he has his blanket, sound maker (lights up with lullaby music), and passy's - then he's set.

I'm hoping to get everything done so that I can do an estate sale by next weekend. I'm not going to do it myself for the simple fact that I don't think I could handle watching everything of my past life be taken out the door by strangers.

More to follow.....