Monday, February 28, 2011

Catching up... again.

Hello again! Thought I had forgotten?? Not really... Have been really busy and feeling an overwhelming urge to get (almost) everything out before I burst. I didn't realize that I hadn't written since Dec. 14th! Yikes!

Ok... In a nutshell. Christmas this year (for me anyway) was a lot easier to deal with. Yes, it was still painful but I didn't cry much this time. K and G still had a hard time. As usual, G had her "mask" on but K had to wipe tears from his eyes a few times. It hurts to see them upset or hurting but, I also know that, in order to heal, they have to deal with the pain. Accept it for what it is and keep going. The big problem is that too many times, people would rather stay in the pain (especially if they've experienced it for soo long) because they've become numb to it, than getting up the courage to forge ahead.

New Year's Eve was an exciting day for me in many aspects and I can only hope that I have many more exciting New Year's ahead for me and the kids. For the time being, it's back to basic's and taking care of me (and learning along the way) and the children.

J's birthday was bitter sweet in that it was another realization that another year had passed of missed opportunities for J and R. Another year gone that they've missed of being around a real man and leader. I also realized that I can't really be a father and mother to them. I can only be me and a mom. They will only be able to learn (for now I hope) from a distance and from watching the men at church and how they act and behave.

R has done pretty well this year... At least until this last Saturday. She had a melt down of sorts and cried hard. Asking the same questions of why Donovan wasn't coming back. If we could go to heave and get him back and just repeating over and over that she wanted him back. She knows that he wouldn't be able to be the same dad that she remembers if he did survive. She said that she didn't want him to stay alive in a hospital or unable to play like he would have. She also said that "when I get old, I'll obey God so that way I can go to heaven and see Daddy." Then it was off to play and a good night's sleep. I still have a lot to learn from her. I was still heavy-hearted after that talk. I felt a little happy about her ability to understand more but I wish I didn't have to sit there, rocking a little body sobbing from tears. That part kills me but, it's something that she has to walk through on her own. I can only empathize and try to help her understand things that we mere humans can grasp.

Meantime, J is blissfully unaware of such things. He as busy trying to climb on top of us in giving his sister some much needed hugs. Part of me was chuckling at him and hurting for her.... Talk about polar opposites! I know that I will be having the same type of talks with him when he is older (and hopefully he'll be at an age to grasp things).

On a completely different topic.... I did read "Eat, Pray, Love" and made lots of notes so, I will be trying to write my two cents on that book (but probably from a different view than the original writer).

More to follow.... :)