Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Silence is golden... Or is it?

One thing that stood out for me, during our visit with K and G during the Christmas holidays is that the house was never quiet. Sure, there's a total of 7 people in the house (and 3 of them under the age of 10) but, even if the kids are quiet (or asleep) the house was never completely quiet. Why? Simple. The TV was always on. One afternoon, I turned the living room TV off. I then made a comment to K of "Silence doesn't kill." He responded by half chuckling and then saying "Sometimes". I understand where he's coming from because I used to be like that. Shortly after Donovan died, I couldn't stand to be in a quiet house. It was too surreal and made reality hit even harder. I didn't like reality hits. That heaping does of reality hurt sometimes, almost to the point of being unbearable. As much as I didn't like it, reality hit anyway and then you learn to roll thru the waves or go for help when it gets to be too much. THAT is when silence comes in. It's soothing. It's peaceful and comforting. It's like a nice, warm, comfy blanket that doesn't make you feel smothered. Silence is also very difficult to face. Like with K and G, they've come a long way in letting their son go and being at peace with everything that happened. Sure, there are still a lot of questions that will never be answered this side of heaven. There are (and will be) some tough bridges to cross as the children grow up. The toughest thing is looking at yourself (without the world's noise blaring in your ears) and enjoying the silence (and presence of the Almighty). Being ok with who you are as a person and being ok with unanswered questions. Being ok with not having instant gratification or entertainment in order to feel happy. In grief, as in life, this is a must. It's difficult to accomplish and it is a constant work in progress. However, it is soo worth it. So, where are you at? Do you fall asleep with the TV (and sound) on or, do you savor the silence when you can or, are you still a work in progress (like myself) :). More to follow.....

Monday, January 13, 2014

5 years gone.

In some ways, it's hard to believe that Donovan has been gone for a little over 5 years now. That reality was a tough one to swallow tho. I had a lot of triggers that were set off (which I've written about before this one). It was (I think) really difficult for his parents. We actually left here to go to K and G's house a day early due to bad weather that had been issued at home. I'm thankful we did go early tho as we got about 3 - 6 inches of rain (and still under flood warnings still from all the rain). Since we were in Garland on that Saturday, I had thought that I would have at least shed some tears at some point during the day. I didn't. I was strangely at peace (emotionally speaking). It was not that way for K tho. Shortly after breakfast, he broke down but then had to recover quickly because R came in to ask him about something. R still doesn't know that her father died on her birthday but, I know she will someday (and hopefully when she is much, much older). I still dread when she ask the question of when did Donovan die but, as Jeff reminds me, that will be a bridge we'll cross when we get to it. No need to worry about it now. Christmas came and went. J got sick with the stomach bug (but only threw up once), then R and I got hit hard with the same bug. Then, L got it and K. Jeff and G were the last ones and Jeff was the last one to go down. Unfortunately, this all started up on Christmas day with J. I guess the saying is true that a family that shares together....*sigh*. Needless to say, THAT is something I don't want a repeat of. Ever. As a result of this "shared" bug, we ended up staying a day longer than we had planned. Thankful that we didn't HAVE to rush back home or feel majorly stressed out by staying a little longer. More to follow....