Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Question for everyone

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been debating on whether or not to change the title of the blog. The reason is simple. I am no longer a widow. Yes, I still have painful times and challenges that will eventually come up (either with me or with the children). Yes, Donovan will always be a part of my life in some way. He gave me two wonderful children who are being lead by a great man (and myself).

So, the question remains. Do I change the title or not and if so, what do I change it to? Any and all suggestions, comments, idea are welcome!

More to follow.....

Sunday, October 23, 2011


The past is never dead, it is not even past. ~William Faulkner

The above statement became very true to me this afternoon.

Over the past few days, Jeff has slowly been getting his stuff out of his old house and (whatever can be) moved into our house. As a result, there has been additional room made so that we can both store DVD's, CD's, etc and put into bookshelves.

We also have had a corner of boxes that were moved and emptied. One of these boxes had "Family video's and DVD's" written on it. Little did I know how big a flood of memories would come about when I unpacked that box. It had homemade video's of R when she was growing up (in her first year of life) which always brings a smile to my face. It also had a disc video of my grandmother (3 months before she passed) and her getting to see and visit with R. The box also had Donovan and I's wedding video and pictures/ video's of our first year of marriage and a CD's that Donovan had made for me while we were dating (with it's original artwork on the front of the jewel case).

I had packed those items twice before but never really looked at the cases because it was just to painful to even think about and I knew during those packing times that I couldn't emotionally handle it then. I still can't now. I didn't think I'd start gut-wrenching tears again, but I did. Even though it's been almost three years now and a lot has changed since then.

Thankfully, Jeff saw those tears and kissed/ wiped them away. As if on cue, Buddy (Jeff's marmalade cat) decided he needed to intervene as well and promptly put himself in between me and the cases that I had in my hands and started purring and wanting attention. Jeff put the cases back in the box that they came from and said "Let him (Buddy) love on you for a while. You don't need to deal with this (the video's) right now." And he was right. There is a time for everything and things aren't usually on our time frame anyway.

I have loved, and lost and then loved again and so blessed because a man loves me for who I am and understands me better then I do myself (sometimes). :) Thank you Lord, for great blessings!

More to follow......

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tough to hear

This morning, Jeff and I went to R's school to talk to the speech therapist, her teacher, and the assistant principal about R's stuttering problem and the test results that the therapist found.

R has been stuttering since she was 2 or 3 and it never stopped but only got worse as she has gotten older. Most children go through a stuttering phase at around age two and then grow out of it by around age four. When this doesn't happen, the brain's neurological pathway for speech is diverted another way so that she can get her sentences out but it's delayed (hence the stuttering).

The test results for R proved that she needs speech therapy and will be getting therapy 60 minutes a week for 90 weeks (for starters). The challenge is to help her slow down (and retrain) her brain so that her speech flows like it should. She will also be talking to the school counselor (just to talk about whatever) because it's hard to tell if her attention (or lack of it) is due to emotional turmoil (still dealing with Donovan's death, changes in family dynamics, etc), or possibly ADD, or just having a frustrating time of trying to get out what she wants to say. R is having a hard time in comprehending what's being required of her and staying focused to the task at hand but, everyone agreed that the speech therapy is a must and we will see where we stand at a later date.

This was all kinda hard for me to hear. It's not easy for a parent to be told by someone that there's something wrong with your child (whatever the case may be) and (as a parent) we want to protect and shield our child as best we can from any difficulties or pain. I told Jeff that (in the back of my mind) I wondered if there was something I could have done so that R wouldn't have such a difficulty now (knowing full well that this is something out of my control). I do know that this is all in God's hands and in good hands of a school that truly cares about the educational welfare of their students. R is also a very tough little girl and she has a willingness to try her best. She enjoys going to school and she has a group of friends (and one "BFF" that lives across the street from us). Last year, she would cry on her way to school because she didn't want to go (and this was throughout the school year). She didn't want to read or do much of anything school related. This year, she enjoys telling us what she has learned that day (or the day before) and has a big grin when she goes to school in the mornings.

More to follow....

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The sweater

Last night, Jeff got all of his winter cloths from storage and brought them home (since the high today is 58 degrees). He brought out three really heavy sweaters. One of them looked just like a sweater that Donovan wore when it got really cold. I couldn't say much at first because the reaction to a sweater caught me by surprise.

After we got the kids down for the night (about 30 min later), I told Jeff about the sweater and the tears came. In my mind, I could still "see" Donovan throwing snowballs at me in that sweater. Jeff's instant reaction was priceless (and one of the reasons I love him so much). He said "Guess I won't be wearing this sweater again". My reaction was that this was something that I was going to have to work through and deal with. Jeff (in essence) disagreed. Won't be seeing that sweater again.

I have moved forward with the life I've been given and so blessed to have Jeff a part of that life and thankful that he understands that Donovan has a special place. Thankful to God for the life that I have been given.

More to follow.....

Monday, October 17, 2011

Getting adjusted

Marriage in and of itself is always an adjustment (at whatever stage you are in your life). Ours is no different. :)

For the first couple of weeks, it was a major adjustment getting used to sleeping next to someone who wasn't 7 years old and didn't kick... Which was a very nice change by the way but the downside was that Jeff had to be up at 4AM (Monday - Thursday) and work 10 hour shifts. Not only was this a bit tough for Jeff and I but it was also difficult for R and J. Both of them were still unsettled from being moved to a new house, new school, new state, etc... and then having to get used to seeing someone (other than myself) every day and confused because he wasn't always there first thing in the morning.

That all changed two weeks ago. Up to that point, we had talked and prayed about Jeff eventually going full time in working with the jail and prison ministry. Initially, we thought that Jeff could still work at Road Systems and on the weekends, we could go out and raise some more support so that he could get away from Road Systems altogether. One Sunday morning, we got a rude awaking. Jeff couldn't be up for any longer than a few minutes. His back had finally given out form all the stress and strain of using jack hammers, and other heavy equipment in restoring trailer beds for 18 wheeler trucks. The doctors orders were simple. No going back into the trailers. What's kinda funny is that Jeff had put in his two week notice the Thursday before his back went out. All I can say is God can definitely have a way of letting you know what the right course of action should be sometimes.

Now, (besides going to the MD every week and sometimes several days a week) things are much calmer. Alarm goes off at 6:30 (R is usually up by then), J wakes up (sometimes around 7, sometimes earlier) and we have breakfast. R is more settled and doesn't ask for me to stay with her before she falls asleep anymore. J is at the age of challenging where his boundaries are and has learned very quickly not to mess around with Daddy. One look from Jeff and J scrambles back to what (or where) he's supposed to be. He's also latched on to Jeff more in the last couple of days than previously. He wants Daddy to play or just to give Jeff a hug. Of course, Jeff's being home more has helped me a lot as well. It's given us more time together (not only as a couple but as a family). My hat goes off to those how are a one parent family. It's very difficult to try and raise children with just your own set of eyes, ears, and hands. It's much easier when there's two and you work as a team (and the kids know it!).

So blessed!

More to follow....

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The wedding!

Moving from TX to AR - expensive. Moving into a rental home - a weeks worth of very little sleep. Getting married to a wonderful Christian man - priceless!

From the day that we had decided to move the wedding up to Sept. 10th to our actual wedding day, gave me about 2 weeks to get everything done. Was I in a panic? Not a chance! Why? Because Jeff did just about everything (including setting up the tables and chairs for the meal before the ceremony). My job was to get the food coordinated, get the kids taken care of, and get whatever needed to be done, done. Simple!

Jeff's roommate decided to grill some tri tips, people signed up to be side dishes and we even got an oriental plate of meat and deserts. The whole meal in and of itself went very well. Everyone got as much food as they could handle and the gathering was small (which is exactly what Jeff and I wanted).

The ceremony itself was very special (even it it was mostly a blur) and I think it may have brought a few tears to those who were there. The reception (which is going to be on the 15th of this month) is going to be great and special as well.

I am so thankful to Jeff in everything that he does (and did) for me and for the children. There are two things that stand out on our day. One was that K and G drove up from Garland and kept the kids that night (even if they didn't get much sleep). BIG kudos's for that! Also that as soon as the preacher had introduced us as husband and wife, James ran straight to Jeff yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" James may be only two but, he's a smart cookie. He understood what was going on. Especially considering that he had never had a reason to say the word Daddy up to that point.

More to follow......