Monday, June 28, 2010

Out with the old, in the .... old???

This last Saturday, K and G had to clear out G's mom's apartment (since she's now living in a nursing home and mentally deteriorating quickly). As a result, they asked me if I wanted Margie's living room furniture which I quickly agreed to.

On the same day, R, J, and I went to Lawton to see the slide presentation from the Back to the Bible Campaign that was conducted last month in Cherokee Hills Church of Christ in OKC. It was great being able to see ol friends and family that I haven't seen in a year and I'm they were just as surprised to see us and how much the kids have grown (the last time they saw J, he was about 4 months old - amazing what a year's difference can make!).

Anywho, got back home today and I thought that I wanted to put some pretty, decorative things in the secretary and china cabinet that came from Margie's. So, I got out the fine china (they were Donovan's great-grandmother's china) that G gave me when Donovan and I got married and I just started out with about 4 pieces. I didn't realize what kind of impact those pieces would have on me.

The more I looked at them, cleaning a little bit, the more I thought and I started noticing that I was starting to become depressed. Those pieces were apart of my life that is gone and won't be back. Not only that but it's not a part of my life anymore. It's not who I am anymore. I'm not the same girl I was 2 years ago. Seeing those pieces of china did not make me happy nor sad (as in breaking down into tears) but, it's just not me anymore.

So, I took "New Mood" which is kinda like an anti-depressant but all natural and it's there when I need it and my life doesn't fall apart if I don't take it every day. The china pieces went back to their old home (aka storage for china) and I got some figurines out that I had found at an estate sale a few months ago. I enjoy going to these estate sales and seeing what I can find so now I have a new mission (besides clearing out Donovan's music stuff) and that if filling the secetary and china cabinet with little things that I like.

I will probably keep the china for R (just in case she may want it when she's older).

More to follow......

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Two steps forward, one step back...

Got through father's day pretty well. I was a bit down before the AM worship service and some points that Ken made kinda hit me hard (even a lady behind us was having to wipe her eyes a bit) but the biggest obstacle came Monday morning.

R woke up around 1 AM screaming and later that day, I found out why. Apparently, G has been either referencing her own life (being raised by her grandparents) or referring that K is now her "dad".

This has happened before and it backfired on G very badly. R was sooo angry that she didn't want to be around G, talk to her or have anything to do with her (and at that time, G told me that she had made the above mentioned references) and I told G that she shouldn't have said that to R. G simply dismissed it and said that R's anger was probably at something else and not what G had said. At that time, R was extremely emotionally unstable and couldn't handle it. Now, she's much more stable but she's not emotionally out of the "woods" yet.

Monday afternoon, there was (yet another) advertisement in reference to fathers. After watching this, R said "I have a father". Me: "Oh? Who?" R: "PawPaw". Me: "He isn't your dad. He's your grandfather." R: "But he's a father". Me: "He used to be a father but he's still your grandfather. If I marry a man, he would be your dad." R: "Oh. Ok."
Then she went to draw some pictures for K for his b-day. My thinking was to avoid some potential problems down the road.

I know I need to address this again with G but I'm thinking I'm going to be getting the same result again (or her going on defense). I know that G is emotionally raw right now and it hasn't been pretty so I'm just praying that soon, she'll realize that she needs to get help (actually both of them do).

So, R is going back in for some much needed neurotherapy tomorrow morning. This morning, she was in tears over the smallest things (another red flag for me in getting her some help).

Upside to all of this, tomorrow I get to meet some new friends and then get out of town for the weekend (with kids in tow) which is something R and I need to do.

More to follow.....

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Crazy days of summer

Now that summer is in full swing, so are the kids! Part of me is ready for R to go back to school and get back into a routine but, that will have to wait.

Thankfully, R will be doing some sort of schooling in order to be ready for the 1st grade (my how time flies). She will also be doing some lessons in the arts (ballet, theatre, etc). I am a little leery of her doing dance because I don't want to send the wrong kind of message as far as dress in concerned so after this summer, she probably won't be doing it again but rather (hopefully) other interest. G took these types of lessons when she was little so she's encouraging R to do the same (cringe!) and I'm limited as to what I'm able to do because I also have J (who still needs two naps a day) so yes, it gets frustrating sometimes.

This morning started off a little tough (emotionally) for me in that it's another year down since Donovan's death. This morning's sermon (or at least the opening statements) were a little hard "Children need their father". As each month passes, it becomes more and more clear that the kids crave that male attention. Anytime a man pays any kind of attention to J, J will want to be picked up and just held and R is the same way. If we go over to a friend's house and their dad is playing with them on the floor, R just right in there with them with a "me too, me too!" and it almost kills me. I know that God has a time for everything but sometimes I wish I could get a little note from Him telling me what the sequence is supposed to be (ha ha!) Just have to remember that it's all in good time and it has to be for the right reason... (me!... not the kids, not anyone else but me!).

Anywho... This is a new week so let the fun (and craziness begin!)

More to follow.....

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Father's day

That time of the year is approaching once again. This year, I was hoping that it would be easier on all of us. For me, so far, it has been easier but for R, it hasn't.

Last night, she watched an episode of Ni how, KiLan (sorry about spelling) and it focused on Tolie (again, sorry about spelling) having to be separated from their favorite toy. They sang about the fact that if something (or someone) does go away for a while, they always come back and I watched R's face go from being all smiles with her brother to pain.

Once the show as over, the tears came. In a way, I'm grateful that she was able to have a good, hard cry. I didn't have any tears to shed because it doesn't pain me as much as it does R. Of course, J was at her feet and patting her on her leg as if in comfort while I just sat and rocked her.

We talked about our family and how we have our physical family as well as our spiritual family. That always helps her to be reminded of people that she is getting closer to in the church family.

Ultimately, we ended with a tickle fest with both kids on the bed and laughing hard from tickling each other and being tickled. Objective achieved! I'd much rather end the day in giggles than tears.

More to follow.....

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A rough/ awkward moment

This morning, I called G to see if she could take care of J on Monday while R had a neurotherapy session. She reminded me that K's birthday was coming up and was asking me if I had any ideas of what to get for him.

One of the comments she said was "You know how hard it is to shop for a man." I actually didn't have anything to say at first. I wasn't sure if I should have said something like: Yes, I used to or nothing at all. In the end, I just lamely said Yup but after getting off the phone with her, I felt my heart just sink a little. That remark hurt... but, I can't just sit around and cry "woe is me!" and I don't have time to pine away either. There's too much life to live and too much fun to have with my little one's to crawl in a corner somewhere and say "forget it!"

It also makes me very aware of where G is emotionally. She's just now (barely) facing the fact that Donovan's not here anymore.

Yesterday, R and I went to Sylvan Learning Center to see if I could help her be ready for next school year. On the way back, we passed by the nursing home that Margie is at and also a cemetery. R asked me if "That's where daddy's lives?" I told her that it was at a different one and asked her if she wanted to go see where he was buried. At first, she said yes but after a while of thinking, she told me that she didn't want to so, I said ok and let it go.

Later that day, I asked G if R had made any comments about the cemetery (because she had taken R to see Margie). G said that R had said something along the same lines as she asked me and I could hear the emotion in her voice. It's the same with K and what's so sad is that neither one of them want to do anything to get some help.

I've told them about the help that R and myself have/ are getting and they just nod their head and smile.

There is an old saying that my dad used to tell me. "People can be like concrete. Th roughly mixed up and firmly set." K and G are like that and it scares me a little because(as a social worker) I see the red flags and want to get that across to them without sounding harsh or disrespectful. That being said, if anyone has some ideas, please let me know.

I am thankful that the children are doing so well and blessed that I have a HUGE church family that I can lean on, talk to, etc when the physical family doesn't get it or doesn't want to.

More to follow.....

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

One more BIG hurtle crossed!

For the last week and half, I have been without my desktop and itching to type so, be expecting a lot (when time permits! ha!).

Yesterday was a HUGE accomplishment for me. I had Verizon out to change out the Internet, TV, and phone connection (thanks to a unnamed company(s) that had me going in circles during the past week and half.

The technician had to drill a hole for the router to be placed next to the computer (which is in the back room and the only place I can put a computer right now). It's also the same room that I found Donovan. When I realized that the tech needed to be getting in and out of there, I knew I also needed to clean up the floor space around the computer.

Up until yesterday, I simply could not handle the floor being bear because (in my mind) I would always see Donovan on the floor bleeding. The mental image had been almost unbearable to deal with but, with God's help, lots of prayers, and time the floor is still cleared of "stuff" and I haven't had a breakdown from it.

I've told several friends as well as family that R and I have come to the point that it's time to finally "close the book" so to speak. Time to let it all go, say the final good-bye and start fresh.

When my parents were here during Memorial day weekend, I told them that I kinda felt like I wanted to just get EVERYTHING in the house, put it in all in a big, huge pile, and lite a match to it. Of course, the city may have a word to say about that and I don't have the funds to just refurnish the house all at once so, little by little, we're taking things out and R is helping me do that.

A few days ago, she had some things of Donovan's and she asked me if she could throw them away (they were in his drawer in the back room). I asked her why she wanted to throw them away and her response was this: "It's old and we don't need it anymore". I couldn't have been more proud of her for saying that. Granted, she still has some things to work through but, she's getting there and we are all much stronger (because of God's grace and healing) than we were a year ago.

There's ALOT of stuff to do and it is slowly getting done... a step at a time.

More to follow.....