Sunday, October 31, 2010

Well of tears

Does anyone know how deep a well goes and how much water will come from it? I know there are scientific measurements for physical wells but, I'm talking about emotional wells.

Here's the reason for the question. Last night, we were invited to a cookout with the young families of the church. Earlier, R had been very quiet and seemed rather sad (even though we had gone to a fall festival yesterday morning). During the drive over to the cookout, she had told me (very simply) that she wished that Daddy was here. My response was the same as it always had been... "I know, but he can't". R: "Why?" Me: "Because he's buried." R: "What's buried?" Me: "He's dead". R: "Why did daddy die?" Me: "Because his heart stopped working and his body is buried in the ground and his soul went back to God." R: "Oh. OK... Can I go play on the swings?" Me: "But of course! and the hayride later" R: (nothing but sounds of glee as she runs off to see her friends).

This same kind of talk has been going on for the last year and a half and I guess she just wanted to be reaffirmed that Donovan was really gone and not coming back. Once this is done, she goes back to being a kid.

For me, it's different. It took everything I had just to walk around to the back where everyone else was while being reminded that Donovan wasn't there and that he wouldn't be there to play with the kids, help with the bonfire, etc as he had 3 years ago. All I wanted to do was turn around and walk away but, I knew there would be consequences if I did that. One, I would have two very upset children who were excited to be able to have some fun with their friends. Two, I would be kicking myself later for not facing facts and just let the tears fall where they may. Managed to get our stuff where it belonged and having someone ask me how I was doing. I couldn't even look them in the eye or say anything. Managed to get in the kitchen and just let it all out. It felt like someone had just sucker punched me in the chest and nothing to do but bend over and cry hard. Thankfully, Velvet had come in to get a bottle for her little one and was there to offer a shoulder. Time just seemed to stand still for a few minutes but eventually, I had to get some air in my lungs (breathing is of necessity, hyperventilation is not).

This wasn't supposed to happen. I thought the well had finally dried up. Wrong! But, it is what it is and all I can do it pray for strength and guidance and get back to life. What is life if you don't have your up's and down's? God's constantly trying to help us get back up while Satan is constantly trying to keep us down.

Thankfully, there is my spiritual family who always pulls through (even though half the time, they don't even know it). So, thanks to Michael B and his comic relief of deciding what to drink, the guys that didn't mind picking J up or holding him when he needed a man's influence.... You guys are awesome in my book! To my "sisters" for hugs and just being extra hands (and feet) to get the kids ready to go home. That's what the christian family is like... They're there when you need a shoulder (or just to listen) and help wipe the tears and they're there when times are great and do "a happy dance" with you and I love them for that.

Over all, it was a great evening and not half as difficult as last year's bonfire. So, onward and upward!

More to follow.....

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing you experiences and thoughts. Love you and the kiddos. Praying for you all. J. Harris