Saturday, November 27, 2010

The Christmas Tree

This year, in order to make new memories, I got our family a new Christmas tree and "new" ornaments.

Last year, we were blessed to have three of my "girlfriends" over to help us put that old tree up and help decorate. This year, I got one that was already pre-lit (Yea!!!!) and not quite as tall so it would be much easier for me to handle on my own in putting it up. Amazingly, it was VERY easy to put up (even while both of the kids were up). J was automatically fascinated by the lights and just couldn't seem to leave the tree alone. I can't tell if R is more excited by Christmas or that her birthday is just 3 days before Christmas. R is all into decorating everything and wants to put lights outside (which may be a bit of a challenge for me) but, hopefully she'll be continent with some mesh of lights over the shrubs and on the light poles.

What's weird for me is that I honestly don't remember putting up the tree last year. I know that we did but,I also know that I was still (somewhat) on autopilot... Boy what a year of change can make! I was a little bit happier then but not festive like this year. Last year, I dreaded the holidays. This year, I don't dread it.

Yesterday, K wanted me to walk through the old house one more time with him and make sure that there wasn't anything that I wanted to get out. The guy who is going to be doing the estate sale on the 17th has already been over there and starting to slowly get some things organized so, I KNEW that this was it. I was fine until we got in the back room. It was starting to get dark and all those mental images of that night came flooding back. All I wanted to do was get out of there as fast as I could and not ever have to look (or go) back. Managed to get some things (like a record player for the kids to have down the road and some things to go through that were stashed up on the top shelves that I couldn't get to) before the panic started creeping back in. Realizing now, after being in there for those few minutes, how bad (emotionally, physically, and mentally) it was for me and for R, I can only thank God, friends, and family for helping us get through that first year and half intact! It's just like after I had gone through the neurotherapy, I realized how far down (emotionally) I had sunk once that burden had been lifted off (major relief!).

In a way, it was important that we stayed as long as we did in that house in order to work through things and get to the point of letting go. God has a way of leading us to what is best in His time. He knows me better than I know myself... I just had to learn to let go and listen and be patient. It's not easy and it can be downright painful but, the outcome is sooo much better than you, me or anyone else could plan for. He knows what's ahead of us and prepares us for whatever is ahead if we're willing for Him to direct us. Before the move, I had a lot of fear for myself and the children. I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do but, that's where a large amount of faith comes into play and just remembering that He ultimately is in charge. For this, I am thankful because I know that the reality of being in a straight-jacket and losing a baby could have happened.

Do I know what's next? No... Do I have plans for the future? Sure! I'm no different than anyone else... There's always going to be hopes and fears for what lies ahead. All I can do is try to prepare for whatever and pray for the strength to take that next big step (even if I may or may not be ready for it).

More to follow.....

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