Monday, December 19, 2011

Antcipation and dread

The above title probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people but this time of year makes me nervous. You would think after three years, it would be easier and not so difficult but it is.

I look forward to R becoming another year older and get caught up in her excitement of having another birthday. I also dread it. I know that one day, she will be asking of when did Donovan die (her birthday). I just pray that she never looses that glow in her eyes when it gets to be her birthday and Christmas. I'm so proud of the young lady that she is becoming and know (as Jeff pointed out) that she has a lot of growing up to do before she could even emotionally handle the fact that her father died on her birthday.

When we were at K and G's for Thanksgiving, I caught myself expecting to see Donovan come walking down the hall sometimes but am at peace that Jeff is always there and he understands. Even the simple task of going to bed brought back not-so-pleasant memories of those countless nights of heaving into bed (and the bed is pretty high off of the floor) to calm a very terrified little 5 year old and wishing I could just get a little boy out of my tummy and that the nightmare would just go away.

The nightmare's have gone and only blessings remain (and the intermittent why-did-that-mental-image-have-to-come-back-now) and I am so thankful to have two healthy children and a loving and patient husband. God knew EXACTLY what He was doing in putting us together. :)

This year will be different in that we won't be in Garland on THAT day but will be able to celebrate with R (and her long time friends) on the 22nd. Jeff will be with us this Christmas as will Jay (K's brother) *at least for a few hours anyway* and J's new appreciation of presents (which I'm sure he will be trying to open more than his own.. LOL). Overall, good times ahead and looking forward to a New Year with my family.

My prayer is that each of you that reads this has a great and safe holidays. That your Christmas time is spent in laughter and joy and if there is some sadness, that it will only be fleeting. Life is too precious to go through it with tears and regret. So, here's looking to some fun, and a bright New Year! :)

Merry Christmas and God Bless!

More to follow....


  1. You, the children and K & G have come so far. You all have shown such faith and strength (even when you didn't think you were). I thought the other day about "this time of year" for you all and said a prayer that you will all have joy in your lives. It is great to see that you, R & J are so happy and thriving. Prayers are being answered. I admire you for keeping R's birthday a "Happy" day and looking forward. She will see that in time. God bless you and your wonderful family.