Ever had the feeling that you thought you had everything under "control" and then something comes up and pretty much knocks you flat on your face? That happened to me last night.
Actually, yesterday and today have been kinda rough for me (emotionally speaking). First time was about dusk (aka 4:30 - 5 pm here) and it felt like a big, huge blanket of emptiness and loneliness tried to cover me up. About the same time, a friend of mine that I haven't "talked" to since college decided (as she put it) to do some "catching up" aka chat on FB for a while which totally made my day and made the evening a lot easier.
Then, today at the same time the same feelings came back.. This time, I called my dad and got a bit overwhelmed and cried... R (being the comic that she is), came in the room. Asked me what was wrong. Then told me "Mommy, do you miss daddy?" "It's ok! Wipe off your face!" *while giggling*. Needless to say, the tears didn't last long and we were both laughing while she kept telling me to "wipe your face off!".
Once she had left and gone to go play, I realized that I didn't really miss Donovan (like the person he was) but rather of just having to do everything on my own... 24/7. I do have friends that I can confide in and they're super sweet about it but, it's not the same. When you marry someone, you become a team and I don't have that teammate anymore. Life still goes on and (as my friend Wendy put it) it's becoming the same thing every day... almost. I do try to change things up a bit (for my sake as well as the kids) but, at the end of the day, it's the same.
Last night, I was in the kitchen cleaning up and listening (and singing along with) some music. R asked me if that was the kind of music that daddy liked. I automatically said yes (even though I'm not completely sure if he would or not - but at least it was the same style). What R said next floored me. "Oh good! Then I like it to! I want my daddy back". Very simply put but profound at the same time. She hasn't said anything like that in the last 3 months. Rather, it had been "I want a new daddy". I relayed all of this with Wendy earlier and she point out that daughters (even if they're adults) will always miss their daddy. Which is true. I know that Donovan will always have a special place in her heart. Not matter how vague the memories may become as she gets older. I can only pray that one day, she'll have even greater memories for another man in her life.
Tonight, we have a "in memory of" at GriefWorks and R is really looking forward to it because it's very christmasy and they'll have some fun games for the kids. It will also help remind her that there are others who have had to experience a loss like hers. It helps sometimes to know that you're not the only one that's having to deal with the loss of a spouse but, the thing that strikes me the most is that most (if not all) of the adults look so downcast and sad.
Sure, it's not easy and there's a lot of issues that you have to go through and make the best of but... why go through life looking like you were raised on vinegar and feed pickles? I've also learning that a large majority of them have different religious backgrounds and I'm not about to tell them that their loved one may not be where they they think they are. But it makes a BIG difference when you have a sure thing and you know it beyond a doubt. That there is hope in this life and in eternity.
Ok... enough of the soapbox.. ha! Better get off of here and make sure R hasn't had a snack from the cake for the get together and get J up and dressed and out the door (whee!)
More to follow.....
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