Last night, R, J, and I went to GriefWorks Candle lighting ceremony. I think there were a total of 80 families present and then the staff that work so hard with the kids in helping them work through what they're feeling and how to cope.
All of the kids started off by making Christmas decorations and then we all got to eat. Griefworks is sponsored by the Prestoncrest Church of Christ and they provided the meat. Each family had to bring either a side dish or a desert. R was very proud of the fact that she got to help make a confetti Christmas cake and put the icing on (and she told everyone about it too!). Then, each family was challenged to make their own gingerbread house (materials provided of course). Problem was that J had enough of sitting and wanted to get down after eating a good meal. So, I tried to keep him out of mischief and one of the staff helped R with her gingerbread house (which looked pretty good). She managed to use every single M&M (no wisecracks from the suite 9 gang! Ha!) and lots of sugarplums.
Then it was time to get serious (music induced). I had to explain to R what the candles were for and what it means "in remembrance". She took this all in and just simply stated (again) that she wanted daddy back and then told me not to cry. It's hard not to get a little emotional when there's so much loss gathered in one room. Parents who have lost young children and adult children, people who have lost someone to cancer, the swine flu, auto accidents (a whole family of 5,, and wife and unborn son), the list goes on... It was especially hard when the children who had lost a dad or a mom would talk about their family... Heartbreaking but hopefully healing at the same time. Right before it was time for us to get up, R told me not to cry and I didn't. Donovan's death doesn't kill me like it used to. R is still trying to wrap her mind what death actually means. She gets the concept I think but it's still difficult for her to understand why you can't get the heart to start beating again. I know that I wouldn't want to have Donovan back now because he would probably either in a hospital still or a coma and he wouldn't want that. The hard part that I'm having to work through now is the emptiness/ loneliness that tries to creep in every once in a while (and it's very, very seldom and only last for a few minutes).
This morning, I found myself fighting back tears for the families that were so willing to share their grief and still be able to smile at the end. So I just let the tears fall. I cried for them, for my children, and for the last year of lost opportunities that could have been. Another year of growth and maturity for myself and the kids. Wishing that things were different but knowing that I have to learn to be content and at peace. It doesn't do me any good to do (as my dad calls it) stinkin thinkin and do the what ifs, whys, etc. It is what it is and there's no going back so, just keep praying for peace (which came quickly this morning), wisdom and patience with my children, and hope for the future (whatever that may hold).
Onwards and upwards!
More to follow.....
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