Saying goodbye to the old life

Have you ever had a point in your life where (up to that point, there was a gradual change) you suddenly realize that you have to let go of the old you? You realize that your not the same person you were then? I'm sure that everyone has had those moments and sometimes they are full of joy and other times, it's a sad goodbye. Yesterday was a sad goodbye for me.

Yesterday morning, I woke up with that heaviness that almost feels like you're suffocating under and extremely heavy blanket and can't breath. I've had times before (last year) and it's no fun to experience. Yesterday morning, I cried.. Hard... and I couldn't seem to shake it off. When I went to Danny Mayberry's wedding last weekend, I was fine until they started cutting the grooms cake but was able to shake it off (for a little while at least). When I got the nerve to tell Leslie congrats and to enjoy every minute of it, I could barely get the words out and crashed emotionally (just a little) but then shake it off. Wednesday night was the topping on the emotional cake for me. Talking to Paige about the exciting new arrival of their baby girl (which will hopefully be sometime today) and finding out about Mendy and Erick expecting another one in Feb was great to hear and I'm genuinely happy for them. At the same time, there was a sense of loss as well. Loss of an old life that won't be coming back. Lost opportunities, bigger family, new beginnings with Donovan are gone.

I had let go of Donovan being here long ago (or at least it feels like it me :) ). And I'm ok with him not being here anymore. This time, it was the life that we had that I had to let go of and it hurt (just like letting go and saying goodbye to Donovan was painful). So I cried... hard... but it didn't make me get the point that I physically couldn't stand, just hard enough for me to know that I needed to get help. So, I called two of my friends and could barely leave a message on their answering machines. Got a hold of Rachel and she was willing to take the kids 30 minutes before the neurotherapy session (even tho she had made plans with her mom to go and visit a sick friend of theirs) and for this I am very thankful and blessed to be where I am now.

I tried to relate all of this to G and she took it the wrong way and told me that I should be happy for Paige and Mendy (which I am... ecstatic actually) so that all backfired. Then I had to realize that she (and K) aren't anywhere near what I am now (and it will be a long time before they are) which can be very frustrating for me but, they have to work through everything at their own pace and in their own way. I can't do it for them. I am thankful that they both have finally realized that the counseling that they are getting now is helping them to start working through their own emotional roller-coaster. I can't depend on them like I used to at the beginning so, blessed that I have some great sisters-in Christ that I can get things out with... Thanks Wendy and Jera and Wendy B. :)

I also got a healthy dose of a reality check yesterday. I read a post of a friend of mine that was truly heart-breaking. A friend of hers (who lives in Tampa, Fl.) lost her police husband in the line of fire last month and then lost her baby yesterday (still born) and knowing that that could have easily been me with J. Talk about God giving me a reminder of what my blessings are! :)

Back in Feb. I got myself a butterfly necklace. This reminded me that grief is like a cocoon but eventually, the caterpillar has to break out of it and start flying on it's own. It's not the same that it once was... much like myself. The grief is fading into the background and now it's getting time to fly!

More to follow....