A little difficult this year...

There's an old saying that (in dealing with grief) the actual day is not near as difficult as the days leading up to it. This year, that saying proved very true for me. In the past, the days leading up to J's birthday didn't bother me very much. This year, for whatever reason, it did. This year, Super Bowl Sunday was difficult. I kept having flashbacks of the night before I was admitted to be induced in having J. At that time, everything was unraveling for me. It was like my brain was split in half. One side wanting to run into light poles just to escape the pain and uncertainty of bringing that baby into the world with out his father being there, and the other half saying Stick it out! It will all be ok. The Lord was definitely looking out for me that night. Most of the young families at the congregation where I was going to were having all the ladies (and kids) meeting at one house and all the guys at another house to watch the game. I had never been to the house that the girls were meeting at so, I had to follow someone. In doing so, I stayed in my lane instead of veering off and hitting a light pole instead (and no, there wasn't a warning that this kind of break down was going to happen - it just did). Had some fun and was able to talk to a fellow social worker (Thank you Velvet!) and then able to get home (again, following someone's tail lights). This last Sunday, those memories and feelings came flooding back and I actually felt panicky. Jeff and I watched the last half of the game and all the jumbled thoughts in my head calmed down. Yesterday was rough as well. I told Jeff that all I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball someplace and just cry it all out. Sad about what was lost and over thinking about the future. Knowing that J will never know who is father was and worried about how we are going to react (and talk out) when he discovers that (and ask) why his last name is different than ours. I understand and respect the wishes of K in having R and J keep their last name. With R, it's not going to matter as much since (hopefully) one day her last name will change anyway but J... he's the last Spear of the family. That's a lot to ask of a little boy who doesn't have any comprehension of what a legacy is. Thankfully, Jeff and I were able to talk it out last night in helping me work out my "what if's" and then gently reminding me that we'll deal with it when we get to that point. It's sooo easy to play the what if game and then easily get depressed by things that haven't (or may never) happened yet. That is when the verse "put all your cares on God for He cares for you" comes in. It's easy to say and sometimes very, very difficult to do. More to follow....