A little difficult this year...

There's an old saying that (in dealing with grief) the actual day is not near as difficult as the days leading up to it. This year, that saying proved very true for me. In the past, the days leading up to J's birthday didn't bother me very much. This year, for whatever reason, it did. This year, Super Bowl Sunday was difficult. I kept having flashbacks of the night before I was admitted to be induced in having J. At that time, everything was unraveling for me. It was like my brain was split in half. One side wanting to run into light poles just to escape the pain and uncertainty of bringing that baby into the world with out his father being there, and the other half saying Stick it out! It will all be ok. The Lord was definitely looking out for me that night. Most of the young families at the congregation where I was going to were having all the ladies (and kids) meeting at one house and all the guys at another house to watch the game. I had never been to the house that the girls were meeting at so, I had to follow someone. In doing so, I stayed in my lane instead of veering off and hitting a light pole instead (and no, there wasn't a warning that this kind of break down was going to happen - it just did). Had some fun and was able to talk to a fellow social worker (Thank you Velvet!) and then able to get home (again, following someone's tail lights). This last Sunday, those memories and feelings came flooding back and I actually felt panicky. Jeff and I watched the last half of the game and all the jumbled thoughts in my head calmed down. Yesterday was rough as well. I told Jeff that all I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball someplace and just cry it all out. Sad about what was lost and over thinking about the future. Knowing that J will never know who is father was and worried about how we are going to react (and talk out) when he discovers that (and ask) why his last name is different than ours. I understand and respect the wishes of K in having R and J keep their last name. With R, it's not going to matter as much since (hopefully) one day her last name will change anyway but J... he's the last Spear of the family. That's a lot to ask of a little boy who doesn't have any comprehension of what a legacy is. Thankfully, Jeff and I were able to talk it out last night in helping me work out my "what if's" and then gently reminding me that we'll deal with it when we get to that point. It's sooo easy to play the what if game and then easily get depressed by things that haven't (or may never) happened yet. That is when the verse "put all your cares on God for He cares for you" comes in. It's easy to say and sometimes very, very difficult to do. More to follow....

The suprise

Last week, I asked Jeff what he thought of having a combined birthday party for him and for James since they both "almost" have a birthday in the same week. Jeff was all for it so, we figured out when (the 1st) and who we wanted to our first ever party at the house and started getting things set up... Or at least somewhat set up. At the time of the party, we still had a lot of empty boxes close to the back door (which Jeff will be using to get his stuff out of his old house), boxes in the hallway, and a corner full of boxes in our room. One day, we will be box free! Anywho, when R came home from school yesterday, and became really excited. She told me she had a surprise for Daddy but not to tell him. She told me that she had made him something but didn't show me what it was.... It was to be a surprise. She then helped Jeff get the carport cleaned up and set up for some BBQ (which turned out delish!) and waited anxiously for everyone to show up. In all, we had 19 people in the house and it was sooo relaxing and fun to just hear and watch everyone in the den and then in the dinning room. When there was only one family left, R decided to bring out her surprise. It was soo sweet to watch Jeff's reaction and also the other family's reaction. You see, she did all of this on her own. I knew that she got tickets for good behavior and grades from their teacher that they can then use for prizes. R must have saved up quite a few to get the candy and I have no idea when she made the card (but I'm guessing it was while at school). This was HUGE from her. She doesn't show emotions very often (ie: hugs, holding hands, etc) or even saying "I love you" very often either. Of course, this just made Jeff's day and got him wrapped around her little pinkie even more (of course, she has had him wrapped around her pinkie from the beginning but he wouldn't let her know that). Later that night, Jeff asked me what K and G would have thought if they had seen the card. I'm not sure what their response would have been. They probably would have thought it was sweet and give R praises for it but, as to what they really thought, not too sure. They are still very guarded about their emotions (K especially) but, their eyes usually git it away. Overall, it's been a good way to start off the month. :) More to follow.....