Triggers

Even after almost 5 years, triggers can hit at any time. This last week was one of them. Yesterday, our neighbor had to be take to the hospital via the EMS. I went over to try and help and keep her little dog calm. I'm not sure what exactly was wrong but, she's usually a very active person and (at that time) she was very weak and lethargic. Seeing that EMS pull up set off a trigger for me. It made me remember when the EMS pulled up for Donovan and it made my heart sink. I had seen plenty of EMS zooming down the highways/streets to get someone but, seeing that thing yesterday just brought it all back. In some ways, it didn't help that I couldn't get a hold of Jeff either (he was at the Grimes prison) and I panicked. My mind went racing - briefly - and thinking the worse (somethings happened to Jeff to!) kind of thinking. In the back of your mind, you know you're just over reacting and that things will be ok but your mind can turn into overdrive after going through something traumatic. It also didn't help that it will be 5 years that Donovan's been gone (this coming Saturday) and the fact that R is turning 10! Needless to say, I broke down this morning in Bible class. I wasn't going to add to the prayer list for all of us to remember those who have lost loved ones and mention that the holidays are especially difficult for many of those people. I couldn't even get the words out. All I could do was just to close my eyes and let the tears roll (and manage a whisper to Jeff that it'll be 5 years). Once I got my composure back, I was able to say that. This is still uncharted territory that we're all walking thru and when the waves hit, you just have to roll with it, feel it, work thru it, and keep going. I'm soo thankful that Jeff is so understanding and can relate and talk things out. More to follow....