Triggers

Even after almost 5 years, triggers can hit at any time. This last week was one of them. Yesterday, our neighbor had to be take to the hospital via the EMS. I went over to try and help and keep her little dog calm. I'm not sure what exactly was wrong but, she's usually a very active person and (at that time) she was very weak and lethargic. Seeing that EMS pull up set off a trigger for me. It made me remember when the EMS pulled up for Donovan and it made my heart sink. I had seen plenty of EMS zooming down the highways/streets to get someone but, seeing that thing yesterday just brought it all back. In some ways, it didn't help that I couldn't get a hold of Jeff either (he was at the Grimes prison) and I panicked. My mind went racing - briefly - and thinking the worse (somethings happened to Jeff to!) kind of thinking. In the back of your mind, you know you're just over reacting and that things will be ok but your mind can turn into overdrive after going through something traumatic. It also didn't help that it will be 5 years that Donovan's been gone (this coming Saturday) and the fact that R is turning 10! Needless to say, I broke down this morning in Bible class. I wasn't going to add to the prayer list for all of us to remember those who have lost loved ones and mention that the holidays are especially difficult for many of those people. I couldn't even get the words out. All I could do was just to close my eyes and let the tears roll (and manage a whisper to Jeff that it'll be 5 years). Once I got my composure back, I was able to say that. This is still uncharted territory that we're all walking thru and when the waves hit, you just have to roll with it, feel it, work thru it, and keep going. I'm soo thankful that Jeff is so understanding and can relate and talk things out. More to follow....

3 deaths in 5 yrs time.

Five years seem like a long time. However, when you talk about loosing family members in that amount of time, it doesn't seem long at all. Those words "3 deaths in 5 yrs time" really hit me hard when Jeff asked for prayers for our family (in Bible class on Sunday) as we were about to head back to TX for Jay's funeral on Monday. A few tears while the prayers were being offered up to the one that understands better than anyone but heavy hearted tears once class was over and just about everyone had already left the room. I'm sooo thankful that Jeff was just there to cry into his shoulders and be told that I don't have to pull myself together and get a grip but, just to let the tears come out. Sometimes, ya just gotta let the emotions out. The trip down was ok (except for being at a stand-still for several miles but no accidents - just crazy drivers). K and G, and Sue (K's sister) and her husband Ed were already getting settled in for the evening when we finally got in. Of course, the kids got everything ramped up but it was still relaxed enough that we were able to get all 5 of us in one room (thankful for bunk beds!) by 11. The big problem I had was that the mental images of Donovan's casket kept coming up for me so it took me a while to get to sleep and even then, having R and J trying to sleep in the top bunk and feeling every move that J made didn't help either. Thankfully, L slept until about 5 and then went back to sleep after getting a few oz. Jay's funeral was at 11:15, Monday morning and it was at DFW National Cemetery. We were able to drive around the place for a bit (and it is HUGE). Jay was a Marine and also flew in the Vietnam conflict. I had seen the folding of the flag in TV (watched a special about Arlington Cemetery) but had never seen it done up close. There is soo much respect by those who perform their duties for the Vets. It was very touching. They have a special place for the service itself. Taps was played and the casket is never left alone until it's in the ground. I knew that this was done at Arlington but didn't know it was done nationwide. The director even asked K if they had permission to bury Jay. R didn't say (or do) much of anything during the service. She sat very close to Jeff while I had to get up with L halfway thru. J, on the other hand, wasn't sure what to think at the beginning. He told us he was scared and sat on G's lap the whole time. He also provided the comic relief as soon as the director indicated that the service was over. He said "When's Uncle Jay going to be buried?" "I don't have a back hoe to help but I can still dig!" This, of course had Sue and G in stitches. Children have a way of making things that seem unbearable, bearable. So blessed. When we were about to leave, Jeff took a few minutes to salute Jay (gut cry for that). Once a Marine, always a Marine and the core runs deep - even if you meet only once. Once again, blessed. We headed back home on Tuesday (as did Sue and Ed). I know that by us being there with family, it helped K, G, Sue,and Ed a great deal. We were all able to talk about the good times, share some laughs and become even closer as a family. I'm also proud of G. She is finally letting go of Donovan. She replaced all of the old pictures of Donovan in the living room with pictures of the children. There are still a few pictures up and that's ok. Everyone moves at their own pace. The key is to keep moving forward and not bottle things up (which is my big fear for K). Having to loose your child, your dad and then your brother in (almost) every 3 years is a lot and K is the type to not let any emotion come out. He's getting better about it tho. Also thankful that Ed and Sue are seriously talking about moving to the DFW area to be closer to K and G. My prayer is that they do move closer. More to follow.....