Silence is golden... Or is it?

One thing that stood out for me, during our visit with K and G during the Christmas holidays is that the house was never quiet. Sure, there's a total of 7 people in the house (and 3 of them under the age of 10) but, even if the kids are quiet (or asleep) the house was never completely quiet. Why? Simple. The TV was always on. One afternoon, I turned the living room TV off. I then made a comment to K of "Silence doesn't kill." He responded by half chuckling and then saying "Sometimes". I understand where he's coming from because I used to be like that. Shortly after Donovan died, I couldn't stand to be in a quiet house. It was too surreal and made reality hit even harder. I didn't like reality hits. That heaping does of reality hurt sometimes, almost to the point of being unbearable. As much as I didn't like it, reality hit anyway and then you learn to roll thru the waves or go for help when it gets to be too much. THAT is when silence comes in. It's soothing. It's peaceful and comforting. It's like a nice, warm, comfy blanket that doesn't make you feel smothered. Silence is also very difficult to face. Like with K and G, they've come a long way in letting their son go and being at peace with everything that happened. Sure, there are still a lot of questions that will never be answered this side of heaven. There are (and will be) some tough bridges to cross as the children grow up. The toughest thing is looking at yourself (without the world's noise blaring in your ears) and enjoying the silence (and presence of the Almighty). Being ok with who you are as a person and being ok with unanswered questions. Being ok with not having instant gratification or entertainment in order to feel happy. In grief, as in life, this is a must. It's difficult to accomplish and it is a constant work in progress. However, it is soo worth it. So, where are you at? Do you fall asleep with the TV (and sound) on or, do you savor the silence when you can or, are you still a work in progress (like myself) :). More to follow.....

5 years gone.

In some ways, it's hard to believe that Donovan has been gone for a little over 5 years now. That reality was a tough one to swallow tho. I had a lot of triggers that were set off (which I've written about before this one). It was (I think) really difficult for his parents. We actually left here to go to K and G's house a day early due to bad weather that had been issued at home. I'm thankful we did go early tho as we got about 3 - 6 inches of rain (and still under flood warnings still from all the rain). Since we were in Garland on that Saturday, I had thought that I would have at least shed some tears at some point during the day. I didn't. I was strangely at peace (emotionally speaking). It was not that way for K tho. Shortly after breakfast, he broke down but then had to recover quickly because R came in to ask him about something. R still doesn't know that her father died on her birthday but, I know she will someday (and hopefully when she is much, much older). I still dread when she ask the question of when did Donovan die but, as Jeff reminds me, that will be a bridge we'll cross when we get to it. No need to worry about it now. Christmas came and went. J got sick with the stomach bug (but only threw up once), then R and I got hit hard with the same bug. Then, L got it and K. Jeff and G were the last ones and Jeff was the last one to go down. Unfortunately, this all started up on Christmas day with J. I guess the saying is true that a family that shares together....*sigh*. Needless to say, THAT is something I don't want a repeat of. Ever. As a result of this "shared" bug, we ended up staying a day longer than we had planned. Thankful that we didn't HAVE to rush back home or feel majorly stressed out by staying a little longer. More to follow....

Triggers

Even after almost 5 years, triggers can hit at any time. This last week was one of them. Yesterday, our neighbor had to be take to the hospital via the EMS. I went over to try and help and keep her little dog calm. I'm not sure what exactly was wrong but, she's usually a very active person and (at that time) she was very weak and lethargic. Seeing that EMS pull up set off a trigger for me. It made me remember when the EMS pulled up for Donovan and it made my heart sink. I had seen plenty of EMS zooming down the highways/streets to get someone but, seeing that thing yesterday just brought it all back. In some ways, it didn't help that I couldn't get a hold of Jeff either (he was at the Grimes prison) and I panicked. My mind went racing - briefly - and thinking the worse (somethings happened to Jeff to!) kind of thinking. In the back of your mind, you know you're just over reacting and that things will be ok but your mind can turn into overdrive after going through something traumatic. It also didn't help that it will be 5 years that Donovan's been gone (this coming Saturday) and the fact that R is turning 10! Needless to say, I broke down this morning in Bible class. I wasn't going to add to the prayer list for all of us to remember those who have lost loved ones and mention that the holidays are especially difficult for many of those people. I couldn't even get the words out. All I could do was just to close my eyes and let the tears roll (and manage a whisper to Jeff that it'll be 5 years). Once I got my composure back, I was able to say that. This is still uncharted territory that we're all walking thru and when the waves hit, you just have to roll with it, feel it, work thru it, and keep going. I'm soo thankful that Jeff is so understanding and can relate and talk things out. More to follow....

3 deaths in 5 yrs time.

Five years seem like a long time. However, when you talk about loosing family members in that amount of time, it doesn't seem long at all. Those words "3 deaths in 5 yrs time" really hit me hard when Jeff asked for prayers for our family (in Bible class on Sunday) as we were about to head back to TX for Jay's funeral on Monday. A few tears while the prayers were being offered up to the one that understands better than anyone but heavy hearted tears once class was over and just about everyone had already left the room. I'm sooo thankful that Jeff was just there to cry into his shoulders and be told that I don't have to pull myself together and get a grip but, just to let the tears come out. Sometimes, ya just gotta let the emotions out. The trip down was ok (except for being at a stand-still for several miles but no accidents - just crazy drivers). K and G, and Sue (K's sister) and her husband Ed were already getting settled in for the evening when we finally got in. Of course, the kids got everything ramped up but it was still relaxed enough that we were able to get all 5 of us in one room (thankful for bunk beds!) by 11. The big problem I had was that the mental images of Donovan's casket kept coming up for me so it took me a while to get to sleep and even then, having R and J trying to sleep in the top bunk and feeling every move that J made didn't help either. Thankfully, L slept until about 5 and then went back to sleep after getting a few oz. Jay's funeral was at 11:15, Monday morning and it was at DFW National Cemetery. We were able to drive around the place for a bit (and it is HUGE). Jay was a Marine and also flew in the Vietnam conflict. I had seen the folding of the flag in TV (watched a special about Arlington Cemetery) but had never seen it done up close. There is soo much respect by those who perform their duties for the Vets. It was very touching. They have a special place for the service itself. Taps was played and the casket is never left alone until it's in the ground. I knew that this was done at Arlington but didn't know it was done nationwide. The director even asked K if they had permission to bury Jay. R didn't say (or do) much of anything during the service. She sat very close to Jeff while I had to get up with L halfway thru. J, on the other hand, wasn't sure what to think at the beginning. He told us he was scared and sat on G's lap the whole time. He also provided the comic relief as soon as the director indicated that the service was over. He said "When's Uncle Jay going to be buried?" "I don't have a back hoe to help but I can still dig!" This, of course had Sue and G in stitches. Children have a way of making things that seem unbearable, bearable. So blessed. When we were about to leave, Jeff took a few minutes to salute Jay (gut cry for that). Once a Marine, always a Marine and the core runs deep - even if you meet only once. Once again, blessed. We headed back home on Tuesday (as did Sue and Ed). I know that by us being there with family, it helped K, G, Sue,and Ed a great deal. We were all able to talk about the good times, share some laughs and become even closer as a family. I'm also proud of G. She is finally letting go of Donovan. She replaced all of the old pictures of Donovan in the living room with pictures of the children. There are still a few pictures up and that's ok. Everyone moves at their own pace. The key is to keep moving forward and not bottle things up (which is my big fear for K). Having to loose your child, your dad and then your brother in (almost) every 3 years is a lot and K is the type to not let any emotion come out. He's getting better about it tho. Also thankful that Ed and Sue are seriously talking about moving to the DFW area to be closer to K and G. My prayer is that they do move closer. More to follow.....

A time of first....

To start, allow me to apologize for not posting anything for the last month or so. The following will explain why. For the past month and a half, I have been rigorous agenda of getting something done that has never been done before. Straightening my back. The reason? My biological mother tried everything she could to hid the fact that she was carrying me. Towards the end, she got desperate. As a result, the MD's told my adoptive parents that I would either need to get cast on my legs (from the tips of my toes to my hips) for 8 months or, wait until I was a bit older, break my legs and then set them in cast. Otherwise, walking would be a challenge (if not impossible). What they didn't know (or understand) back in the early 70's was that the whole spinal/ muscle structure was messed up. Up to this point, my back has never been straight and, over the years, it has only gotten worse (don't ask how in the world my children were born when my hips were pointed 90 degrees down and tilted to one side - I have no idea except God's hand is always at work. Anywho, for the first time EVER, I've been able to lay down in bed and actually feel my lower back touch the mattress! For the past month, I've had my spinal cord literally rolled (it felt like a rolling pin) straight. It's been extremely painful at times and I know I wouldn't have been able to get through the last month without the love and support of my ever loving husband and 3 very understanding children. I am now, almost, pain free. :) In other news, R has really opened up and torn down her own mental walls since Donovan's death. She started Middle school and has a great teacher. She has become more loving and not so afraid to say "I love you too" to Jeff. She's developing her own come backs with with him that has sometimes caught him off guard and they both end up having laughing fits. :) The big concern we have right now is that she is failing math... Big time. At the parent/teacher conference, her teacher suggested that R be tested for Asperger syndrome (which I think she's borderline on) to see how we can help her grasp concepts. She's done really well in the other subjects tho. :) Things are definitely looking up and I am blessed beyond measure. More to follow.....

Rebecca's other dad...

Those words... "Rebecca's other dad" has become a new saying around our house and it's one that I'm not sure I'm ready to try and explain to a certain 4 yr old. J has seen pictures of Donovan with R lots of times. R calls him her first dad and she still has fond memories of him. The other day, J asked me if R's other dad died. I told him yes. Why? (at least this wasn't new territory for me but, it is new for Jeff to help explain) Answer: His heart stopped working. Reply: Oh. Ok. And then J goes on to play with R on something else. The first time this talk came up, I told him that Donovan was his first dad too. That only lead to confusion for J. R was 5 when Donovan died and that was difficult enough to work thru some of the questions (others haven't even been asked yet). How are we going to do this with a 4 yr old?!? In some ways, it's a blessing that J hasn't felt loss yet and isn't aware of the pain that goes with it. The only Dad that he's aware of and loves is Jeff. I know that this is just the beginning of J's travel thru knowledge and experiencing loss.... Just wish it hadn't started this soon... Oh well. As Jeff reminds me *quite often*, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Just so thankful that I do have Jeff by my side and we work thru things as a family. Blessed and more to follow.....

A blessing

I was reading something a few days ago and it hit home. It's something that I've been blessed with several times over the years and was thankful for at those times but didn't think much about it after those moments passed. It's something very simple but can be very profound for all involved. What I'm referring to is something many of us do. At some point in our lives, we all (at least hopefully all) rise to the occasion when someone we know is going thru a life changing event (ie: death in the family, a birth in the family, moving family members, etc). I'm sure we all get emails from our congregation(s) or group that there's someone in need of help. Question is, what do we do when the help is no longer needed and no one else that we know needs help? If you're like me, we go back to our daily, CrAzY routine (or lack of it) and don't think anything else about it. The problem is, the need (many times) is still there. The crisis may be over but it doesn't stop. The effects of a loss in the family is still felt month and years later (which is part of the reason why I'm still writing). While I am ever so thankful to those who rose to the occasion shortly after Donovan died, there is still an emptiness. There are still questions (tough questions) that some very young children are going to be asking and emotions that they haven't had to deal with that will come up. The shock wears off in time but the pain comes back and in many different forms. Same thing applies to the birth in a family. Children grow (thankfully) but the need for help is still there. I have a friend on FB that recently posted a thank you to a couple who (without being asked - and with several children at home of their own) took all 5 of her children so that she could have a few hours to get her hair cut and some down time for herself. This simple statement of thanks made me feel guilty. What was I doing to help others? What am I teaching my children? Children learn more from what they see than what they're told many times so, what am I doing to help them learn the importance of being helpful to others who aren't in a big occasion but still need kindness, compassion, or just a simple "You're important to me" action? It is soo easy to get wrapped up in our own family and their needs that we may be blind to others or, use the excuse (that I find myself using) of, I just don't have the time or the energy. Granted, there are times when we do need to slow down and rejuvenate ourselves and our family time. The thing is, we don't need to wait for life's big changes to rise to the occasion for someone. We need to be a blessing to those around us on a daily basses so that we can be what God calls us to be. Servants of His. More to follow....