Rebecca's other dad...

Those words... "Rebecca's other dad" has become a new saying around our house and it's one that I'm not sure I'm ready to try and explain to a certain 4 yr old. J has seen pictures of Donovan with R lots of times. R calls him her first dad and she still has fond memories of him. The other day, J asked me if R's other dad died. I told him yes. Why? (at least this wasn't new territory for me but, it is new for Jeff to help explain) Answer: His heart stopped working. Reply: Oh. Ok. And then J goes on to play with R on something else. The first time this talk came up, I told him that Donovan was his first dad too. That only lead to confusion for J. R was 5 when Donovan died and that was difficult enough to work thru some of the questions (others haven't even been asked yet). How are we going to do this with a 4 yr old?!? In some ways, it's a blessing that J hasn't felt loss yet and isn't aware of the pain that goes with it. The only Dad that he's aware of and loves is Jeff. I know that this is just the beginning of J's travel thru knowledge and experiencing loss.... Just wish it hadn't started this soon... Oh well. As Jeff reminds me *quite often*, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Just so thankful that I do have Jeff by my side and we work thru things as a family. Blessed and more to follow.....

A blessing

I was reading something a few days ago and it hit home. It's something that I've been blessed with several times over the years and was thankful for at those times but didn't think much about it after those moments passed. It's something very simple but can be very profound for all involved. What I'm referring to is something many of us do. At some point in our lives, we all (at least hopefully all) rise to the occasion when someone we know is going thru a life changing event (ie: death in the family, a birth in the family, moving family members, etc). I'm sure we all get emails from our congregation(s) or group that there's someone in need of help. Question is, what do we do when the help is no longer needed and no one else that we know needs help? If you're like me, we go back to our daily, CrAzY routine (or lack of it) and don't think anything else about it. The problem is, the need (many times) is still there. The crisis may be over but it doesn't stop. The effects of a loss in the family is still felt month and years later (which is part of the reason why I'm still writing). While I am ever so thankful to those who rose to the occasion shortly after Donovan died, there is still an emptiness. There are still questions (tough questions) that some very young children are going to be asking and emotions that they haven't had to deal with that will come up. The shock wears off in time but the pain comes back and in many different forms. Same thing applies to the birth in a family. Children grow (thankfully) but the need for help is still there. I have a friend on FB that recently posted a thank you to a couple who (without being asked - and with several children at home of their own) took all 5 of her children so that she could have a few hours to get her hair cut and some down time for herself. This simple statement of thanks made me feel guilty. What was I doing to help others? What am I teaching my children? Children learn more from what they see than what they're told many times so, what am I doing to help them learn the importance of being helpful to others who aren't in a big occasion but still need kindness, compassion, or just a simple "You're important to me" action? It is soo easy to get wrapped up in our own family and their needs that we may be blind to others or, use the excuse (that I find myself using) of, I just don't have the time or the energy. Granted, there are times when we do need to slow down and rejuvenate ourselves and our family time. The thing is, we don't need to wait for life's big changes to rise to the occasion for someone. We need to be a blessing to those around us on a daily basses so that we can be what God calls us to be. Servants of His. More to follow....

Before and After

All of us have our before and after moments. Times that have changed our lives forever and sometimes, they happen in a blink of an eye. Those moments may also affect our families, friends, even co-workers. Those moments also define our faith (whether we like it or not). I've had several of those moments over the years. Getting adopted, leaving the children's home, becoming a Christian, going to college, figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, getting married, having a daughter, becoming a widow, having a son, dating again, Jeff finding me, getting married, and having another son. Some of the things I just mentioned, you have experienced yourself. Some of those things, I pray none of you ever have to face until you're in the twilight of your years and very ready to go Home. Through all of those moments (and the day - to- day task), God's providence has always been there. Even in the darkest times when I felt I couldn't get up. We've all had those times. Some that have only lasted a few seconds and some that have last several years. The challenge for each of us is to keep looking ahead for the "after" moments instead of constantly looking back at our lives before. We will never grow or become stronger in looking back and longing for the past. Each person has to keep going and always remind each other and ourselves that God is always present. More to follow....

How to deal.....

I haven't written on here in quite a while and, I apologize for that. Those of you who are parents, you KNOW how busy life can get...especially if there's 3 children running around and one of them is a 10 month old wanna-be walker/crawler. EEEEeeeekkkkk! Anywho, I wanted to get everybody caught up (somewhat) of what life has been like around here. The past couple of months have been CrAzY busy but, pretty much, in a good way. Jeff FINALLY got to meet my parents in person in May. It's the first time they got to see Lex as well and it had been three years since they had seen J or R. It was a nice trip over all but, we won't be staying in a hotel in Taccoa next time we go back (THAT is a whole ballgame in itself!). Also got to see some of Jeff's cousins in Birmingham (which is always great) and R got to spend some one-on-one time with one of her favorite people. :) The kids and I also spent the week with K and G while Jeff was in the Dominican Republic on a singing/mission trip in June. We were able to be there for Father's Day and to help celebrate K's birthday and Margie (G's mom) birthday as well. The week had it's challenges but, overall, a good week. On Father's Day, Jeff was able to talk to K a little bit and wish him a happy Father's Day as did I. The sad thing is, he was on auto pilot. It was very obvious that K didn't want to think or feel anything so, like most people who don't want to face (or deal with) their grief, they go on auto pilot. It will be 5 years come December and the signs are showing up in K (complexion, lack of sleep, weepy, etc). Of course, they both have their plates full. K's brother Jay, has been mentally going downhill at a fast rate. Six months ago, Jay was functioning on a 4 or 5 year old. Now, he's functioning on a 1 or 2 year old. Margie has started refusing to eat at times or to take her meds so, the facility that she is at has to call G and then Margie will eat for her (or meds, shower, etc). I am worried of how they will cope when Jay passes. K hasn't allowed himself to completely grieve from Donovan's death or his dad's passing 2 years later. I'm sure that they both tackle with the "If Only" game.... If only we had done this or that. Life would be much more different than it is now. I used to do that until I finally just took this life for what it was, let the Almighty deal with whatever consequences that other people had, and just do the best I can for Him and His glory. I constantly see on FB (there are three groups specifically for widow's/widower's and I see this "What if" mentality over and over again. The truth is, no matter how much wishing you or I do every day, our lives have nowhere else to be but with us. Too many times, we all fall into the "what if" and waste time by either wishing or wondering the day away. God hasn't jumped ship on us and we shouldn't jump ship with Him either. If we do, Satan has won the day. It's each of our choices whether we get back up on our feet and keep trusting and obeying Him or let Satan keep us down. Keep your head up! :) Also, please keep K and G in your prayers and thoughts. It's going to be a rough road ahead and they're going to need all the love and support that they can get! Thanks! More to follow.....

"Best day of my life"

This week, we had a bit of a celebration in our house. R got a medal and a certificate for being on the A, B honor roll this year. The school had a reception for the students in 3rd grade who made either all A's or AB honor roll. They had video clips of the students and what they liked the most about their school/teacher(s) and what they will miss the most in moving forward in the fall. The video's were cute and moving at times and R was proud to see a video of herself. They also had each student go forward and receive their medal and certificate in this accomplishment and say thank you to their teacher(s). After R got back from getting her's, she said "This is the best day of my life!" I haven't seen her so excited and happy about something in a while so, it was a nice change. Things have been a bit crazy around our house since we started having a neighborhood kid coming to play. This little girl is in R's grade but is 10 yrs old and hasn't had it very easy at home. I'll call her T. T's mom has a live-in boyfriend and (I think) they are trying to make it as a couple and as parents (without being married) and they have caught on that T lies about everything as easily as she does breathing. T goes to be with her dad every other weekend in Tx (somewhere) and the live-in boyfriend of her mom's also has a daughter (which, understandably causes friction from T). T is very needy and would love to be anywhere else than at home. Lately, she has taken on some behaviors that have been unsettling for Jeff and I. T knows about us loosing Donovan and lately, she's been acting (and talking) about either loosening a grandfather (somehow a rock he gave her made its way at M's house and in M's driveway) or a friend who passed away recently. When T does this kind of talking, she puts on the big show of crocodile tears and acts all sad and such. Granted, she doesn't do this show at our home but, she does it over at M's and it causes R to become very quiet and go into a shell of course. Jeff has suggested that we (and M's mom) talk things out with T's mom so that she knows what's going on and then figure out how to teach T that this behavior isn't acceptable. I don't want to come down on T so hard that we aren't able to show her what true friendship and loving God is all about (she goes to Bible class with us on Wednesday nights). Any suggestions? Anywho, R has been wearing her medal *almost* everywhere she goes. It's a true testament of how far she's come and how hard the teacher(s) have worked to get her to where she needed to be. More to follow.....

Stability

I haven't posted anything in soo long! Sorry about that. The latest (and greatest) news involves R. :) Yesterday afternoon, Jeff and I had a conference with R's teacher, math teacher, and speech therapist. We came in and one of the first things the therapist told us was that she was going to go slow since it was obvious that both of us are running on very little sleep. This has been a HUGE challenge in our home for several reasons. One is that L is teething (he has managed to get one tooth out so far and working on more) and that cuts into his sleep. I'm just thankful that they only go thru this painful ordeal once and don't remember anything later. The other challenge is that J hasn't been sleeping through the night every night either. It's almost like he and L have this unknown code between them that if one does sleep thru the night, the other will wake up at 1, 2, or 3 am and cry about something (ie: growing pains, wet the bed, bad dream, etc)... One of these days, we WILL get a full week of uninterrupted sleep! Anywho, R's therapist said that all of the teachers have agreed that they don't think R needs special assistance anymore. This means that, next year, she won't be pulled out of her class for speech therapy, counseling, or small group math class. This is a huge accomplishment for her. When she was test last year, she was struggling to put a whole sentence together that made sense (ie: given the beginning of a sentence and then asked to finish it) and she stuttered a lot. The stuttering made it really frustrating for her in trying to get out what she wanted to say. She still does stutter a little (especially when she's really excited about something) but she kinda stops to think about what she's going to say next. One thing that the teachers said that really hit home for me is that R is much more confident about herself. She's happy and willing to work hard at whatever task she's given. It will take her a while to figure things out but, she tries hard and it's paying off. They also said that a large part of her self confidence is because there's stability at home. If Jeff and I hadn't met and married, that stability would still be off track, even now. The fact that Jeff had been able to be at home in the mornings and take her to school and then be able to pick her up (or walk her home) in the afternoons made a big difference. She is finally coming out of her shell more and it's beautiful to watch. Sometime last year, R asked me "When this daddy dies, are we going to move back to Dallas?" That question hit hard for Jeff and I both. After I told her that I wasn't planning on that happening for a long, long time from now, she seemed more willing to let her guard down a bit. Jeff has been awesome in taking the time to reach out to all 3 of the children and to answer R's questions. Case in point: We have a neighbor who lives catercorner to us. They have a daughter who is in 1st grade (I'll call her M) and she and R have been two peas in a pod since we moved her. They HAVE to see each other at least once a day (even if it's only for 15 - 30 minutes). Last year, M lost her Grammy to cancer. Grammy used to keep M whenever M's mom had to be out during the evening. Last week, M's mom had to go to be gone for about an hour and a half and we had both girls over and playing in the back yard. They (and J) get along great and everything was fine until about the last 30 minutes or so. M started getting homesick and missing her grammy. She hurt her finger somehow and that started the tears. It also got R to missing Donovan. They cried together, M's mom came home and M went home and R came in sobbing hard (right at the same time of feeding L). Got L down to play, Jeff and I got R to her room and let her cry and talk it out. Once the tears had dried up, R started asking the hard questions that we adults have a hard time with (ie: Can he see me? Why can't I see him? When am I going to see him? How can he see me in heaven? etc). Jeff made things simple enough that she was happy with the answers. Then, back to the normal routine of supper, homework, etc. I am so thankful that R feels comfortable enough to ask Jeff those tough questions. I am also thankful that the teachers at Sidney Deener Elementary School are willing to take students from where they are to where they need to be academically. Blessed. More to follow...

Seeing a casket...

Yesterday, R and I were driving home from the store when we passed by a cemetery. At that exact moment, there were a group of guys starting to carry a casket to the grave site. This, obviously, got R's attention. She seen a casket before but, it was from the very back of the auditorium and we had emphasized that it was a celebration of life and not a funeral. So, upon seeing the guys with the casket, R begins to ask questions such as, why are they doing that, what happens to the body, and finally, what is a soul. Sometimes, children can really put you on the spot with their questions. During the whole conversation, R never mentioned Donovan or anything related to his death. Her conclusion was simple. "I don't want to go to dust, Mom". Oh the simplicity! :) More to follow....