Seeing a casket...

Yesterday, R and I were driving home from the store when we passed by a cemetery. At that exact moment, there were a group of guys starting to carry a casket to the grave site. This, obviously, got R's attention. She seen a casket before but, it was from the very back of the auditorium and we had emphasized that it was a celebration of life and not a funeral. So, upon seeing the guys with the casket, R begins to ask questions such as, why are they doing that, what happens to the body, and finally, what is a soul. Sometimes, children can really put you on the spot with their questions. During the whole conversation, R never mentioned Donovan or anything related to his death. Her conclusion was simple. "I don't want to go to dust, Mom". Oh the simplicity! :) More to follow....

A month of sickness (actually two)

I haven't written much over the last month or so because our whole family (or at least 3 at any given time) have been sick (yick!). Mostly, it has been both of the boys and either me or Jeff that catch something. R has escaped most of whatever is going around ( or managed to hide it well enough so that she can still go to school - which she HATES to miss). This whole sickness ordeal has been kinda frustrating for Jeff in that, he usually only gets sick (maybe) once a year. Since he now has a rather large family, he's been sick more times than he can remember. LOL. But, at least the family that shares together, stays together. More to follow....

A little difficult this year...

There's an old saying that (in dealing with grief) the actual day is not near as difficult as the days leading up to it. This year, that saying proved very true for me. In the past, the days leading up to J's birthday didn't bother me very much. This year, for whatever reason, it did. This year, Super Bowl Sunday was difficult. I kept having flashbacks of the night before I was admitted to be induced in having J. At that time, everything was unraveling for me. It was like my brain was split in half. One side wanting to run into light poles just to escape the pain and uncertainty of bringing that baby into the world with out his father being there, and the other half saying Stick it out! It will all be ok. The Lord was definitely looking out for me that night. Most of the young families at the congregation where I was going to were having all the ladies (and kids) meeting at one house and all the guys at another house to watch the game. I had never been to the house that the girls were meeting at so, I had to follow someone. In doing so, I stayed in my lane instead of veering off and hitting a light pole instead (and no, there wasn't a warning that this kind of break down was going to happen - it just did). Had some fun and was able to talk to a fellow social worker (Thank you Velvet!) and then able to get home (again, following someone's tail lights). This last Sunday, those memories and feelings came flooding back and I actually felt panicky. Jeff and I watched the last half of the game and all the jumbled thoughts in my head calmed down. Yesterday was rough as well. I told Jeff that all I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball someplace and just cry it all out. Sad about what was lost and over thinking about the future. Knowing that J will never know who is father was and worried about how we are going to react (and talk out) when he discovers that (and ask) why his last name is different than ours. I understand and respect the wishes of K in having R and J keep their last name. With R, it's not going to matter as much since (hopefully) one day her last name will change anyway but J... he's the last Spear of the family. That's a lot to ask of a little boy who doesn't have any comprehension of what a legacy is. Thankfully, Jeff and I were able to talk it out last night in helping me work out my "what if's" and then gently reminding me that we'll deal with it when we get to that point. It's sooo easy to play the what if game and then easily get depressed by things that haven't (or may never) happened yet. That is when the verse "put all your cares on God for He cares for you" comes in. It's easy to say and sometimes very, very difficult to do. More to follow....

The suprise

Last week, I asked Jeff what he thought of having a combined birthday party for him and for James since they both "almost" have a birthday in the same week. Jeff was all for it so, we figured out when (the 1st) and who we wanted to our first ever party at the house and started getting things set up... Or at least somewhat set up. At the time of the party, we still had a lot of empty boxes close to the back door (which Jeff will be using to get his stuff out of his old house), boxes in the hallway, and a corner full of boxes in our room. One day, we will be box free! Anywho, when R came home from school yesterday, and became really excited. She told me she had a surprise for Daddy but not to tell him. She told me that she had made him something but didn't show me what it was.... It was to be a surprise. She then helped Jeff get the carport cleaned up and set up for some BBQ (which turned out delish!) and waited anxiously for everyone to show up. In all, we had 19 people in the house and it was sooo relaxing and fun to just hear and watch everyone in the den and then in the dinning room. When there was only one family left, R decided to bring out her surprise. It was soo sweet to watch Jeff's reaction and also the other family's reaction. You see, she did all of this on her own. I knew that she got tickets for good behavior and grades from their teacher that they can then use for prizes. R must have saved up quite a few to get the candy and I have no idea when she made the card (but I'm guessing it was while at school). This was HUGE from her. She doesn't show emotions very often (ie: hugs, holding hands, etc) or even saying "I love you" very often either. Of course, this just made Jeff's day and got him wrapped around her little pinkie even more (of course, she has had him wrapped around her pinkie from the beginning but he wouldn't let her know that). Later that night, Jeff asked me what K and G would have thought if they had seen the card. I'm not sure what their response would have been. They probably would have thought it was sweet and give R praises for it but, as to what they really thought, not too sure. They are still very guarded about their emotions (K especially) but, their eyes usually git it away. Overall, it's been a good way to start off the month. :) More to follow.....

Donuts with Dad

Yesterday morning.... Jeff and R had "Donuts with Dad" at R's school (30 minutes before school started). For several weeks before this event, R kept checking to make sure if Jeff was going to be going. Each time, he assured her that he would be there. The thing that R didn't know is that Jeff didn't get much sleep the night before. He woke up at 3 something and didn't go back to sleep (he had gotten up to feed L the night before and was up with him from about 1 to 4 AM - resulting in his biological clock being WAY off wack). Anywho, R was sooo excited to have donuts with her Dad at her school that morning. Jeff may have been blurry eyed but, it made a HUGE difference for R. She was bragging to the other students about her Daddy. Jeff also said that there were several other dad's there. Glad to see that other parents take the time to spend some quality time with their children. They are laying the foundation for their children and their futures (even when being sleep deprived). Thank you Jeff for being the awesome man, husband, and father that you are. I love you! More to follow....

Digging out

First of all, I need to apologize for not posting sooner. Things have been very busy for us but, thankfully, it's getting back into some sort of routine (just ready for this bug to leave me alone). The last week or so, R has been wanting to sleep with Jeff's "blanket" which is actually a tarp from his Marine days. This has left him wondering if she is slowing digging out of the wall she's built up in not allowing herself to get too close to Jeff in fear of losing a dad again. She will occasionally grab his hand whenever they walk back from school but the only hugs she gives out are to Lex. She has also asked Jeff to go to a school function of "Donuts with Dad" at the end of this month at school. Hopefully, he can go (even if it is super early in the morning for him). We did go to K and G's for Christmas/ R's b-day. I've noticed that every time we go down, K's coloration in his face changes to pale but eventually goes back to normal. It's like each year of Donovan's passing date is very difficult for both of them but, they put on the brave front and smile like it's all ok. This visit tho, there is/was something wrong with K. His hands had swollen to twice their size and his left arm would go from tingling sensation to numb and then back to normal. I told K before we left that he needed to get blood work done to get things checked out. He did and still don't know what's wrong (even tho his hands have gone somewhat back to normal). They still have the tingling/ numbness sensation so, waiting to see a specialized MD so, prayers would be appreciated on their behalf. As for me, this time wasn't difficult. I thought of Donovan briefly and knew he would have maybe enjoyed the festivities and be proud of R and J. More to follow.....

Flashbacks

This last weekend, we made a trip to AL. This was a good trip overall but, the reason for the trip wasn't pleasant at all. Jeff has a church family that (in all aspects) is family. They were there for him during the times that he needed family the most. He may have been the only peanut in the chocolate fudge but, as his "brother" put it, Jeff was his brother...from another mother. :) That being said, he keeps in contact with a lot of people via facebook. Unfortunately, he also found out that one of the sisters in the congregation was brutally murdered last week so, after making several phone calls, we made the decision to drive to AL to be with the church family there on Sunday. This was not going to be an easy feat... Not only did it mean that Jeff and I were going to be pulling an all-nighter to get things packed up for the family to leave out at 2AM but also the emotional bomb that went off for both of us. The news of having a dear, sweet, God-fearing, always trusting sister to be taken advantage of and then murdered shook Jeff down to the core. It hurts when you see another in emotional pain. It also brought back very vivid memories for me as well. Mental images I wish I could erase but knowing that will never happen. You see, EVERYTHING we experience with our senses (sight, taste, touch, smell, and hear) gets filed away in our memories (whether it's pleasant or not). When I initially thought about those individuals (whoever they were) who went to go check on their "sister" because they hadn't heard (or seen) her for a few days. Only to find a mess in her apartment, it made me sick to my stomach. It brought back the mental and emotional memories of the night that Donovan had his accident and I found him on the floor unconscious but still breathing. The memories of the police, EMS, and fire departments flooding the house and trying to help came flooding back like a ton of bricks. I cried.... hard. Thankfully, Jeff was there to hold and cry along with me as I was there to hold and cry along with him. Those tears were necessary and they had to flow. Emotions weren't meant to be bottled up. They are meant to be shared, understood, and let out. The more we try to stuff our emotions down and bottle it up, the more harm we do to ourselves (and possibly others). This doesn't mean that we can (or should) erupt like Mount St. Helens and just let our anger or bitterness fly as it may. Adults aren't suppose to act like three year olds. Ok... Sorry, soap box.. Ha! :) Anywho, we made it to Southside Church of Christ (with kids in tow) with 15 minutes to spare (barely enough time for Jeff to just shut his eyes and relax for a few - he drove the whole way). The AM service is both edifying and uplifting. I now know why Jeff loves this congregation soo much.... In the midst of tragedy, they let their light for God shine and it is beautiful to see (and hear). We were blessed to be a part of that worship time. It was also good for Jeff to be able to sing with the guys once again. :) The trip may have been emotionally rough but, I'm glad we were able to go and spend time with this family. Satan can (and will) try his hardest to pounce people down but God gave us His strength, His Word, and His body (the church) to overcome whatever Satan throws at us. Just got to keep going on in Him. More to follow....