Yesterday, R came home in a bad mood and seemed very angry about everything. I later found out why.
She didn't want to do her homework but finally did so anyway. She also didn't want to take a bath... She finally did so but not without telling me that she wanted a new mommy... During said bath, I noticed that her other front tooth was bleeding a little bit and told her to go ahead and try to pull it out. She (of course) protested this and after a lot of deliberation and tears, tried. I asked her if she wanted me to help her and (in the midst of a lot of tears) said that she wanted her Daddy back. She then stared asking questions (again) as to "Is he in heaven?" and "Why did he die?".
We've had this kind of talk many times before but it's always (seemingly) out of the blue and she is usually in a bad mood before these talks take place (so at least I get a bit of a warning beforehand). She knows the facts but just needed (I guess) confirmation and then she went on to eating supper and then getting ready for Bible class and I'm thankful that God made little minds to operate on short attention spans.
This also taught me about handling my own emotions in that we as adults often get something in our heads and then we just dwell on it and forget to just let things go and let God deal with it in His own time.
More to follow.....
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Doing a little catch up!
Ok... Unfortunately, it's been a while since I've been able to "write" and of course I'm starting to get to the point that I have to "put things down" so that I can get a good night's sleep! Ha!
First of all, I have to say a BIG, HUGE thank you to K and G! They helped me in so many ways to get the new house to the point of moving into. Granted, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind as far a moving is concerned but, when God opens a door, you don't just stand there and debate about what you should do... You just go with it and pray like crazy while your going through the steps. I will say that this whole new experience has taught me a great deal and I'm going to try not to put it all in one go (it would be lengthy at best!)
K and G worked at getting the new house as ready to move in as possible and were there to help me realize what all that entails (which can be a hassle). The house was obtained through foreclosure and (as you can probably imagine) had some work on it that needed to be done (and very difficult to do when you have a 19 month old who may *or may not* take a 30 - 45 min nap in the mornings and then a longer one *fingers crossed* in the afternoon. It also helps when you know people who can refer you to others who are very good at their trade and *mostly* dependable.
So, with everything done I finally put the word out at Centerville that I would need help in moving furniture from the old house to the new one (which was about 4 streets down) on Saturday 18th at about 8 am. Most people were suprised that I said for ONLY furniture (and even then, a very small amount of it). At a little before 8, one person showed up (way before K and G did!). Then, it seemed that lots of people just magically showed up (I'm guessing about 12 - 15 guys and 2 ladies *one at one house and one at the other and myself inbetween*. They guys were able to load everything on one large trailer (and maybe a pickup truck or two) and the whole thing was completed in about 2 and a half hours. Talk about dumbfounded!
At one point, while the men were talking/ joking around with each other, tears started to form but, they weren't sad tears but just by being shown (once again) what the church is all about (in action!). The sheer willingness of these guys to give up a perfect Saturday morning and some sleep in time still humbles me and I will forever be grateful to them.
By the end of the day, I as able to get all of our bedding out and on to get to sleep and I was flying high to say the least. R was able to spend the previous night at a friend from church's house (which she was ecstatic about) and promptly informed me that Tara HAD to spend the night at her new house soon. J was able to spend that morning with another family so a BIG thank you to them as well.... So blessed!
More to follow.....
First of all, I have to say a BIG, HUGE thank you to K and G! They helped me in so many ways to get the new house to the point of moving into. Granted, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind as far a moving is concerned but, when God opens a door, you don't just stand there and debate about what you should do... You just go with it and pray like crazy while your going through the steps. I will say that this whole new experience has taught me a great deal and I'm going to try not to put it all in one go (it would be lengthy at best!)
K and G worked at getting the new house as ready to move in as possible and were there to help me realize what all that entails (which can be a hassle). The house was obtained through foreclosure and (as you can probably imagine) had some work on it that needed to be done (and very difficult to do when you have a 19 month old who may *or may not* take a 30 - 45 min nap in the mornings and then a longer one *fingers crossed* in the afternoon. It also helps when you know people who can refer you to others who are very good at their trade and *mostly* dependable.
So, with everything done I finally put the word out at Centerville that I would need help in moving furniture from the old house to the new one (which was about 4 streets down) on Saturday 18th at about 8 am. Most people were suprised that I said for ONLY furniture (and even then, a very small amount of it). At a little before 8, one person showed up (way before K and G did!). Then, it seemed that lots of people just magically showed up (I'm guessing about 12 - 15 guys and 2 ladies *one at one house and one at the other and myself inbetween*. They guys were able to load everything on one large trailer (and maybe a pickup truck or two) and the whole thing was completed in about 2 and a half hours. Talk about dumbfounded!
At one point, while the men were talking/ joking around with each other, tears started to form but, they weren't sad tears but just by being shown (once again) what the church is all about (in action!). The sheer willingness of these guys to give up a perfect Saturday morning and some sleep in time still humbles me and I will forever be grateful to them.
By the end of the day, I as able to get all of our bedding out and on to get to sleep and I was flying high to say the least. R was able to spend the previous night at a friend from church's house (which she was ecstatic about) and promptly informed me that Tara HAD to spend the night at her new house soon. J was able to spend that morning with another family so a BIG thank you to them as well.... So blessed!
More to follow.....
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Running to school...
For the last 2 full weeks (which seem like a lifetime in a way), R has been in tears before going to school (and angry). Each day, she would come out all grins and say that her day was good but then, an hour later (or so) it would be a proclamation NOT to go back to school in the morning.
Today (hopefully) was the beginning of a new chapter as far as school goes. When I was about to pull into the drop off zone, she saw one of her classmates, rolled down the window, and was yelling "HELLO!" to her friend. I didn't even have to get up to the stairs before she was getting out of the car and literally running ahead of her friend (and also seeing some more friends)... Happy moment!
This afternoon, G picked her up from school and she got to have a "picnic" at their house (which she has been crying to do the last couple of days) while J was asleep. J (unfortunately) has caught a bug and has been running a fever since last night so... it's a catch 22.
I am also (slowly) making headway with Donovan's stuff... Found a box of statements, bills (surprise! but already paid) that I just need to take to a shredding place and have them demolished. Also found a CD that he made for R when she was 3 (Blue Danube)... Good memories but still hurts a bit. It may be an uphill climb sometimes but, I know I'm not the only one that's gone through this and I know God is there through it all.... Onward and upwards!
More to follow......
Today (hopefully) was the beginning of a new chapter as far as school goes. When I was about to pull into the drop off zone, she saw one of her classmates, rolled down the window, and was yelling "HELLO!" to her friend. I didn't even have to get up to the stairs before she was getting out of the car and literally running ahead of her friend (and also seeing some more friends)... Happy moment!
This afternoon, G picked her up from school and she got to have a "picnic" at their house (which she has been crying to do the last couple of days) while J was asleep. J (unfortunately) has caught a bug and has been running a fever since last night so... it's a catch 22.
I am also (slowly) making headway with Donovan's stuff... Found a box of statements, bills (surprise! but already paid) that I just need to take to a shredding place and have them demolished. Also found a CD that he made for R when she was 3 (Blue Danube)... Good memories but still hurts a bit. It may be an uphill climb sometimes but, I know I'm not the only one that's gone through this and I know God is there through it all.... Onward and upwards!
More to follow......
Monday, September 6, 2010
One down, two more to go.... I think.
Last night was a HUGE hurtle for me emotionally and physically.
Almost every weekend for the almost 8 years that we were married, Donovan and I did Movie night. For the first three years of our marriage, it was every weekend and something we both enjoyed. After R was born, it was a bit of challenge at the beginning (like most new parents) but very doable. One week, it would be my pick. Next week, his pick.
For the last (almost) 2 years, I couldn't bring myself to watch a movie... at night... in our room (much less just trying to watch TV in general was trying). Thankfully, some friends of mine were upgrading their bed to a king so, I bought their queen. Major difference! Slowly, I started making myself watch a little bit of TV before going to sleep (even if it was for a mere 5 minutes).... If you're like me, by the time it's nice and quiet, you discover how worn out you really are... Ha!
Well, yesterday afternoon I started the miniseries of "Pride and Prejudice" which is put out by BBC and about as close to the book as possible (I think). I was able to get through the 1st disc (almost) and then had to wait to finish after church and getting the kids down for the night.
I knew I probably shouldn't finish the whole 2nd disc if I wanted to get a good, solid night's sleep in but, when you've got a good story, you can't always walk away from it (even when you know what the ending is going to be because you've watched so many times before).
About the part where Darcy finally tells Elisabeth how he feels about her, that old emptiness came creeping back on me but, it only lasted for a few seconds and by the end of the movie, the emptiness was gone. Although I will admit that it was a bit hard not to reach across to the other side of the bed and notice the vacancy. But no tears came and I was able to fall asleep (thanks to some soft classic music) and grin and say a little prayer of thanks to God for helping me get past the one thing that I had been dreading but knew I needed to do.
Over the past year and a half (actually a little over that), I've learned that God doesn't necessarily remove things that are difficult for us but rather gives us the strength (ever so slightly sometimes) to get through it when the time is right.
More to follow.....
Almost every weekend for the almost 8 years that we were married, Donovan and I did Movie night. For the first three years of our marriage, it was every weekend and something we both enjoyed. After R was born, it was a bit of challenge at the beginning (like most new parents) but very doable. One week, it would be my pick. Next week, his pick.
For the last (almost) 2 years, I couldn't bring myself to watch a movie... at night... in our room (much less just trying to watch TV in general was trying). Thankfully, some friends of mine were upgrading their bed to a king so, I bought their queen. Major difference! Slowly, I started making myself watch a little bit of TV before going to sleep (even if it was for a mere 5 minutes).... If you're like me, by the time it's nice and quiet, you discover how worn out you really are... Ha!
Well, yesterday afternoon I started the miniseries of "Pride and Prejudice" which is put out by BBC and about as close to the book as possible (I think). I was able to get through the 1st disc (almost) and then had to wait to finish after church and getting the kids down for the night.
I knew I probably shouldn't finish the whole 2nd disc if I wanted to get a good, solid night's sleep in but, when you've got a good story, you can't always walk away from it (even when you know what the ending is going to be because you've watched so many times before).
About the part where Darcy finally tells Elisabeth how he feels about her, that old emptiness came creeping back on me but, it only lasted for a few seconds and by the end of the movie, the emptiness was gone. Although I will admit that it was a bit hard not to reach across to the other side of the bed and notice the vacancy. But no tears came and I was able to fall asleep (thanks to some soft classic music) and grin and say a little prayer of thanks to God for helping me get past the one thing that I had been dreading but knew I needed to do.
Over the past year and a half (actually a little over that), I've learned that God doesn't necessarily remove things that are difficult for us but rather gives us the strength (ever so slightly sometimes) to get through it when the time is right.
More to follow.....
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Moving on... literally!
Another BIG step is being done a little at a time (and will continue... Lord willing over the coming weeks.
After much prayer and thought, we are moving to a new house! :) I thought (until lately) that if I could just stick it out here and slowly get through all of Donovan's things (ie: records, 8-tracks, etc) then R, K and G would be emotionally really for us to be able to move. WRONG!
It's hard for me to come in the back and even type on the computer without being reminded of Donovan lying on the floor almost 2 years ago. Last night, R told me (in the strongest voice she could) that she hated this house. I'm glad she finally said this because I knew that she tries very hard to be anywhere else BUT here (no matter what time of day).
You know you've probably heard that God always opens a window when things get to be too much and He definately opened up some for us! Found a house that's 3 streets down from here and was a foreclosure. Yes, it needs work but, K and G are helping (alot) since J still (roughly) takes 2 naps a day. Mostly, it's one good, long nap a day. I also have the "luxury" of being able to move at my own pace (once everything gets done (AC, cleaning, painting, small repairs, etc) and it's close. So, if I'm not posting alot on FB, now you know why... :)
In a way, this is another tunnel (so to speak) of getting through. It will probably be difficult sometimes but will definately be worth it in the long run. Onwards and upwards!
More to follow......
After much prayer and thought, we are moving to a new house! :) I thought (until lately) that if I could just stick it out here and slowly get through all of Donovan's things (ie: records, 8-tracks, etc) then R, K and G would be emotionally really for us to be able to move. WRONG!
It's hard for me to come in the back and even type on the computer without being reminded of Donovan lying on the floor almost 2 years ago. Last night, R told me (in the strongest voice she could) that she hated this house. I'm glad she finally said this because I knew that she tries very hard to be anywhere else BUT here (no matter what time of day).
You know you've probably heard that God always opens a window when things get to be too much and He definately opened up some for us! Found a house that's 3 streets down from here and was a foreclosure. Yes, it needs work but, K and G are helping (alot) since J still (roughly) takes 2 naps a day. Mostly, it's one good, long nap a day. I also have the "luxury" of being able to move at my own pace (once everything gets done (AC, cleaning, painting, small repairs, etc) and it's close. So, if I'm not posting alot on FB, now you know why... :)
In a way, this is another tunnel (so to speak) of getting through. It will probably be difficult sometimes but will definately be worth it in the long run. Onwards and upwards!
More to follow......
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Improving
For the last week, R has started asking for a book every night. Just before bed. To most, this may seem as a small deal but for us, it's huge!
Before Donovan's death, we had a nightly ritual of hugs, tickles, prayers and books. Last year, she wanted nothing to do with books or reading in general and if I asked her if she was thankful for anything, I got a resounding no. This year, we still do the hugs, tickles (within moderation of course) but still not thankful for much but the list is slowly building. Now, she wants a book (or two) every night for which I am very thankful. She still gets angry from time to time but it's not very often and not as extreme. Now we just have to get through the start of a new school year (1st grade!) and all the fears that go along with that. Today, I saw that R wasn't the only one who went to class in tears.
K and G went to their last grief counseling session last week and seem to be much more calmer and happier. I asked them if they were going to continue to see a counselor and (of course) the answer was no so we'll have to see how things progress. At least they've started in the right direction and they have things to "study" at home as the need arises.
As for me, the biggest challenge I've had to deal with came from last night. It was about 10:30 or so and I saw some yellow flashing lights and people talking (which set the neighborhood dogs (including mine) barking like crazy. At that time, I kinda panicked and grabbed a golf club (just in case). I've had one friend of the family be brutally murdered 20 years ago and that came back to mind. Posted something about the flashing lights on fb and (thankfully) had two friends point out the obvious (probably either a water or electricity problem which can be fixed). After about 30 minutes, whoever it was left and all was peaceful again. Golf club back next to the back door and, after about 10 minutes, sleep! There are some things that I haven't been able to do yet (like turning off all the lights in the house when I go to sleep or turning extra one's on when I get spooked). I grin about all of this now and know I still have some work cut out for me but, Lord willing, this too shall pass and I'll be much better off for it.
More to follow......
Before Donovan's death, we had a nightly ritual of hugs, tickles, prayers and books. Last year, she wanted nothing to do with books or reading in general and if I asked her if she was thankful for anything, I got a resounding no. This year, we still do the hugs, tickles (within moderation of course) but still not thankful for much but the list is slowly building. Now, she wants a book (or two) every night for which I am very thankful. She still gets angry from time to time but it's not very often and not as extreme. Now we just have to get through the start of a new school year (1st grade!) and all the fears that go along with that. Today, I saw that R wasn't the only one who went to class in tears.
K and G went to their last grief counseling session last week and seem to be much more calmer and happier. I asked them if they were going to continue to see a counselor and (of course) the answer was no so we'll have to see how things progress. At least they've started in the right direction and they have things to "study" at home as the need arises.
As for me, the biggest challenge I've had to deal with came from last night. It was about 10:30 or so and I saw some yellow flashing lights and people talking (which set the neighborhood dogs (including mine) barking like crazy. At that time, I kinda panicked and grabbed a golf club (just in case). I've had one friend of the family be brutally murdered 20 years ago and that came back to mind. Posted something about the flashing lights on fb and (thankfully) had two friends point out the obvious (probably either a water or electricity problem which can be fixed). After about 30 minutes, whoever it was left and all was peaceful again. Golf club back next to the back door and, after about 10 minutes, sleep! There are some things that I haven't been able to do yet (like turning off all the lights in the house when I go to sleep or turning extra one's on when I get spooked). I grin about all of this now and know I still have some work cut out for me but, Lord willing, this too shall pass and I'll be much better off for it.
More to follow......
Friday, August 20, 2010
Major milestone passed!
For the last year and half, I've had a certain box that belonged to Donovan sitting on the floor in the back room.... Just staring at me...
For the last year, I couldn't even bring myself to look at it. It had all of his belongings that was brought to me from his work by one of his co-workers. This afternoon, I finally got the need to clear that box out. While I was doing this, R decided to go through some of her toys and see what she wanted to keep and what she wanted to give to the kids at the Medina Children's Home... So proud of her for doing so...
Anyway, I found lots of peppermints, snacks, and gum. Also a squeeze ball (which R decided to take and put to use). He also had his Bible in his desk (which he got from his parents back in '02). Donovan would sometimes come home (or call) and ask me (or then call his mom) about some spiritual discussion that he was having with one (or several) of his co-worker(s). His mom and I were both proud of him for not being afraid to speak the truth at work. The turn-out from everyone that worked with him at the visitation, funeral, grave-side, and letters left for the family on the newspaper's website (K printed all of them up and I could only read two of them shortly after Donovan's funeral) spoke volumes of the influence that he had.
There are some things that I'm setting aside for R and J when they are older but, the stuff from various eateries, are in the trash. Once I had the box emptied, I felt like I wanted to do a cartwheel (even though I've never done so) but it was like a weight had been take off of me and it was liberating.
More to follow.....
For the last year, I couldn't even bring myself to look at it. It had all of his belongings that was brought to me from his work by one of his co-workers. This afternoon, I finally got the need to clear that box out. While I was doing this, R decided to go through some of her toys and see what she wanted to keep and what she wanted to give to the kids at the Medina Children's Home... So proud of her for doing so...
Anyway, I found lots of peppermints, snacks, and gum. Also a squeeze ball (which R decided to take and put to use). He also had his Bible in his desk (which he got from his parents back in '02). Donovan would sometimes come home (or call) and ask me (or then call his mom) about some spiritual discussion that he was having with one (or several) of his co-worker(s). His mom and I were both proud of him for not being afraid to speak the truth at work. The turn-out from everyone that worked with him at the visitation, funeral, grave-side, and letters left for the family on the newspaper's website (K printed all of them up and I could only read two of them shortly after Donovan's funeral) spoke volumes of the influence that he had.
There are some things that I'm setting aside for R and J when they are older but, the stuff from various eateries, are in the trash. Once I had the box emptied, I felt like I wanted to do a cartwheel (even though I've never done so) but it was like a weight had been take off of me and it was liberating.
More to follow.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)