For the last 3 weeks, I have been taking R to neurotherapy and we've been working on her fears and anxieties and have been coming a long way with that (even if it has to be for only 10 - 15 minutes at a time).
This morning, before going to school, R wanted to watch Curious George. She was especially interested in one episode that dealt with monsters in the dark and how his imagination would get the better of him in thinking that there were monsters in his room. Once the light was turned on, he saw that there weren't any... Just objects that looked different in the dark.
Most children are almost expected to be afraid of "monsters" in the dark at some point in time and we as parents take the time to calm their fears. For R, it's a bit different.
On the night of Donovan's accident, the police force (for whatever reason that I still don't understand) decided to have a rather large, quarter-back sized police officer go into her room, wake her up, and bring her to me. As you can probably imagine, R was shaking like a leaf and (before long) throwing up. The PD had to ask "Is she sick?". Well DUH! Most adults are scared sick when they have a complete stranger come in and wake them up... What do you think a 5 year old's reaction is going to be?
Now, R is starting to face those fears and trauma from that experience in a way that won't make it extremely difficult for her. She doesn't have the vocabulary nor the previous experience to relate how she's feeling about being woken up in the middle of the night and she actually looks forward to the therapy. Yesterday, I asked her why she likes to go and she said "It's helping me momma! And I like the lollipops!"
It's taken us 8 months just to get to the point that she can handle the "heavy stuff". Up to this point, we just had to help her be calm within herself and be balanced overall. Now comes the hard part but it's all in very, very small baby steps.
For all this, I am sooo thankful that there are resources and talents that God has given people to help those who need it most.
More to follow......
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Make it work!
This morning, R decided that she had to find something for J to listen to from "The music room".
She had an 8-track tape in hand and was determined to have something for J to listen to and to explain how it worked. So, slowly we started trying various players to try and get them to work. All to no avail. Some players had cords and once plugged in, didn't work or if they had battery use, once new batteries were put in, they didn't work either.
Finally, R sat down in on whatever space she could find and stated "This room is full of junk! Why did Daddy get so much junk?" I told her that it wasn't all junk and pulled a record that she liked and asked her if she thought it was junk. She quickly agreed that it wasn't all junk, just mostly junk and that we needed to clear the room out of the "junk".
R and I spent the rest of the morning taking things (that had been taken apart but never put back together) in the back of the car and not talking much but grins. J (of course) wanted to help out as well so he started picking up little pieces on the floor and given them to me (jabbering the whole time) and being very proud of himself. So, we managed to put a very, very small dent in the floor but please about the progress. R then stated "It's good getting it (the room) cleaned. (with a big grin on her face)" and I agreed. It felt good and almost like a relief of some sort. Not sure how to put it into words but, all of us were happy about it and I'm sure there will be more cleaning times to come.
More to follow.....
She had an 8-track tape in hand and was determined to have something for J to listen to and to explain how it worked. So, slowly we started trying various players to try and get them to work. All to no avail. Some players had cords and once plugged in, didn't work or if they had battery use, once new batteries were put in, they didn't work either.
Finally, R sat down in on whatever space she could find and stated "This room is full of junk! Why did Daddy get so much junk?" I told her that it wasn't all junk and pulled a record that she liked and asked her if she thought it was junk. She quickly agreed that it wasn't all junk, just mostly junk and that we needed to clear the room out of the "junk".
R and I spent the rest of the morning taking things (that had been taken apart but never put back together) in the back of the car and not talking much but grins. J (of course) wanted to help out as well so he started picking up little pieces on the floor and given them to me (jabbering the whole time) and being very proud of himself. So, we managed to put a very, very small dent in the floor but please about the progress. R then stated "It's good getting it (the room) cleaned. (with a big grin on her face)" and I agreed. It felt good and almost like a relief of some sort. Not sure how to put it into words but, all of us were happy about it and I'm sure there will be more cleaning times to come.
More to follow.....
Thursday, May 20, 2010
15 Months and Counting
Early tomorrow morning, it will be 15 months since Donovan's passing and yes, I'm a little heavy-hearted at the moment. This is (thankfully) not the same as it was this time last year though.
Still, it hurts and there are still some things that I just can't do yet. The room that he had the accident in still has papers and other odd things covering up the floor so that I won't see the emptiness of where I found him on the floor. I still haven't watched a movie in my room (partly because I'm worn out by the time I get to bed and partly because it still feels a little weird to me). Once it gets dark out, the back room (where he usually was playing his records) has to have a light on and I can't bring myself to turn all the lights in the house off at night.
I am moving forward though and making small changes that have a positive effect on me as well as R and thankful that J is blissfully unaware of things yet. I know that one day, he will have some tough questions so I pray that I'll have the right answers for him when that time comes. R has come a very long way since reality hit her and she enjoys going to neurotherapy. She knows that it is helping her get things that she can't verbalize yet out of her head so that she can heal. I also know that we (as a family) would not have made it this far without God and His church (and especially prayers).
Yes, it's been a roller-coaster ride but each peak in the ride brings us closer both to God and to peace.
More to follow......
Still, it hurts and there are still some things that I just can't do yet. The room that he had the accident in still has papers and other odd things covering up the floor so that I won't see the emptiness of where I found him on the floor. I still haven't watched a movie in my room (partly because I'm worn out by the time I get to bed and partly because it still feels a little weird to me). Once it gets dark out, the back room (where he usually was playing his records) has to have a light on and I can't bring myself to turn all the lights in the house off at night.
I am moving forward though and making small changes that have a positive effect on me as well as R and thankful that J is blissfully unaware of things yet. I know that one day, he will have some tough questions so I pray that I'll have the right answers for him when that time comes. R has come a very long way since reality hit her and she enjoys going to neurotherapy. She knows that it is helping her get things that she can't verbalize yet out of her head so that she can heal. I also know that we (as a family) would not have made it this far without God and His church (and especially prayers).
Yes, it's been a roller-coaster ride but each peak in the ride brings us closer both to God and to peace.
More to follow......
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Trying times
Yesterday started another chapter of test for our family. Donovan's grandmother had to be taken to the ER because she wasn't eating and her complexion was as white as a sheet (which scared the daylights out of G). As of right now, we still don't know what's wrong and the MD's are still running test.
Yesterday, G went home for a few minutes to get herself back in balance and called me to let me know what was going on. After a few minutes on the phone, she emotionally crashed so J and I went over to G's house. She was able to get a little bit of a good cry in (which she needed to do) but then J came over to where we were with a very concerned look on his face and almost in tears because he could sense that memaw was crying. It just goes to show how attuned little ones can be to us adults.
For me, it was both very difficult to see G hurting like this but also a little relieved that she's finally starting to let the tears flow (as much as possible anyway). I made a comment to G that the house was getting to me (or at least the stuff in the house) and her response was "Well, it's all part of getting through it." She may still be at the beginning of grief but I've gone way past that. For me, it's a feeling of letting go and closing the book. It's not painful or done in vengeance (like trying to get back at Donovan for leaving me and the children) but it's a need to say goodbye and just start fresh.
Last night, I took down the wedding pictures that we had over the fireplace and put up a picture of R (it's a sideways closeup and beautiful picture) and when I asked R what she thought, she was grinning from ear to ear. For the two of us, this is like a release and closure. It's not done in sadness but rather happy. Much like when some of the dishes that we got when we got married starting cracking and chipping, R made the comment, "it's time to get new ones because those are old". R helped me pick out some new dishes and when they came in, she was grinning from ear to ear and happy (and so was I). It's time for some small changes in our home. I did go by a house that was up for sale and asked R what she thought. She had this terrified look on her face and a very sound "NO!" to go with it. So, small changes are a good thing and all done in baby steps.
More to follow.....
Yesterday, G went home for a few minutes to get herself back in balance and called me to let me know what was going on. After a few minutes on the phone, she emotionally crashed so J and I went over to G's house. She was able to get a little bit of a good cry in (which she needed to do) but then J came over to where we were with a very concerned look on his face and almost in tears because he could sense that memaw was crying. It just goes to show how attuned little ones can be to us adults.
For me, it was both very difficult to see G hurting like this but also a little relieved that she's finally starting to let the tears flow (as much as possible anyway). I made a comment to G that the house was getting to me (or at least the stuff in the house) and her response was "Well, it's all part of getting through it." She may still be at the beginning of grief but I've gone way past that. For me, it's a feeling of letting go and closing the book. It's not painful or done in vengeance (like trying to get back at Donovan for leaving me and the children) but it's a need to say goodbye and just start fresh.
Last night, I took down the wedding pictures that we had over the fireplace and put up a picture of R (it's a sideways closeup and beautiful picture) and when I asked R what she thought, she was grinning from ear to ear. For the two of us, this is like a release and closure. It's not done in sadness but rather happy. Much like when some of the dishes that we got when we got married starting cracking and chipping, R made the comment, "it's time to get new ones because those are old". R helped me pick out some new dishes and when they came in, she was grinning from ear to ear and happy (and so was I). It's time for some small changes in our home. I did go by a house that was up for sale and asked R what she thought. She had this terrified look on her face and a very sound "NO!" to go with it. So, small changes are a good thing and all done in baby steps.
More to follow.....
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Memories
After church service this morning, a small group of us went to the Roadhouse Texas restaraunt for lunch. The idea sounded good and I knew I just didn't want to go home and do the same-o same-o so, we went.
As soon as I got in the door, I knew I was going to have a rough time. One of the families (that went this time) had invited us out to the same restarunt a few years ago (when Donovan was still here) and those memories came flooding back and then the tears came. It wasn't the type of tears that made me go weak in the knees but it hurt. Another family (the Steven's) went this time as well and Mr Steve pointed out that I needed to go to the old places and then create new memories at the same places and J proceded to help me do just that (even though he wasn't aware of it). J is the type of little boy that doesn't meet a stranger and he's always got a smile for anybody who makes eye contact with him. So, the tears faded to grins and laughter thanks to a little one year old who may never know how much he means to a lot of people (and not just me and R).
I am thankful that God gave us the ability to have memories and hope that the painful one's will turn into positive ones eventually. Much like the service today. Case in point: Lord's supper. In the past, Donovan and K served the Lord's supper on the same day and at the same time. Today, K served alone and I couldn't help but remember that Donovan used to do that but it didn't make me cry to think about it. I'm sure it affected K somewhat because whenever something is on his mind (in relation to Donovan), it shows a little and K didn't want to hang around after services this morning either (usually they do).
Yesterday afternoon, R, J and I were over at K and G's house. The lawn people were cutting their yard and R made the comment that she remembered Donovan riding a lawnmower when she was little and that she wished he was back (she was saying all of this to K at the time). K made some comment and then left the room for a bit, came back and was trying to clear his throat and sniffles, and try to stay upbeat for R. The whole lawnmower scene didn't seem to bother R very much. She just had to say what she was thinking and get it out and I'm proud of her for doing so because it means that she's slowly healing and letting it go.
Sure, it's hard to get through sometimes. There are times that either R or myself just have to get out of the house and step back for awhile. Sometimes there's tears but eventually (hopfully) there's laughter to take it's place. You can't have a rainbow without going through the flood.
More to follow......
As soon as I got in the door, I knew I was going to have a rough time. One of the families (that went this time) had invited us out to the same restarunt a few years ago (when Donovan was still here) and those memories came flooding back and then the tears came. It wasn't the type of tears that made me go weak in the knees but it hurt. Another family (the Steven's) went this time as well and Mr Steve pointed out that I needed to go to the old places and then create new memories at the same places and J proceded to help me do just that (even though he wasn't aware of it). J is the type of little boy that doesn't meet a stranger and he's always got a smile for anybody who makes eye contact with him. So, the tears faded to grins and laughter thanks to a little one year old who may never know how much he means to a lot of people (and not just me and R).
I am thankful that God gave us the ability to have memories and hope that the painful one's will turn into positive ones eventually. Much like the service today. Case in point: Lord's supper. In the past, Donovan and K served the Lord's supper on the same day and at the same time. Today, K served alone and I couldn't help but remember that Donovan used to do that but it didn't make me cry to think about it. I'm sure it affected K somewhat because whenever something is on his mind (in relation to Donovan), it shows a little and K didn't want to hang around after services this morning either (usually they do).
Yesterday afternoon, R, J and I were over at K and G's house. The lawn people were cutting their yard and R made the comment that she remembered Donovan riding a lawnmower when she was little and that she wished he was back (she was saying all of this to K at the time). K made some comment and then left the room for a bit, came back and was trying to clear his throat and sniffles, and try to stay upbeat for R. The whole lawnmower scene didn't seem to bother R very much. She just had to say what she was thinking and get it out and I'm proud of her for doing so because it means that she's slowly healing and letting it go.
Sure, it's hard to get through sometimes. There are times that either R or myself just have to get out of the house and step back for awhile. Sometimes there's tears but eventually (hopfully) there's laughter to take it's place. You can't have a rainbow without going through the flood.
More to follow......
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Hiding behind the mask.
On Tuesday, we went to Grief Works which is sponsored by the Church and has a great outreach for those who need help the most.
The topic for the night was about what we (as parents) worry or are afraid of at this point in our lives. Now, I know I'm not the only one that faces some kind of worry or fear. As parents, we all have worries about our children and how best to help them reach maturity in a godly way (without force feeding them if possible). As adults, we worry about this, that and the other (ie: jobs, family, finances, friends, etc). The main question is, do we hid behind a mask so that others don't know what we're dealing with? My second set of parents are a class act of this. Especially G who puts on a big smile at church and pretty much everyone she meets and gives the facade that all is well but, if you look in her eyes, it's another story. K doesn't hide it all that much but he doesn't talk either. Me, I can't hide and I can't keep quiet either.
It's not easy being open about what you're thinking and feeling sometimes and we've all been there (or are doing it now). We are taught as children to be seen but not heard (sometimes) when actually it should be just the opposite. If there's anyone who needs to be heard the most, it's our children and I try to encourage R and J to tell me what's going on in their head. R has gotten better about being open with what she's feeling and then we try to work through it. There are some things that she just can't get out because she doesn't have words for it yet but we try to look up words she doesn't understand and that helps.
How many times do we hide behind a mask (either with ourselves or with others)? How many problems do we start by not being open and honest with ourselves and others? I have learned from this past year that it's alot easier being honest and open with myself and with others and it's partly because of the kids. They are both social butterflies (especially J - R is starting to come out a little bit more). In college and especially before then, I was very quiet and shy. *chuckling here* but not anymore. True, I am not the social butterfly but I'm getting there - whether I like it or not! Through this whole experience, it has changed me in more ways than one and it's mostly for the better. Sure, there's some rough patches (just like anybody else who's alive has rough patches) but the key is how you get through them and whether you choose to either learn from them or let it overcome you.
There was a quote (and I don't know who it's from) that was stated Tuesday night and it's stuck with me so, I'm going to pass it on to you... "If you aren't too busy to worry, then you aren't too busy to pray". Good words to live by.
More to follow.....
The topic for the night was about what we (as parents) worry or are afraid of at this point in our lives. Now, I know I'm not the only one that faces some kind of worry or fear. As parents, we all have worries about our children and how best to help them reach maturity in a godly way (without force feeding them if possible). As adults, we worry about this, that and the other (ie: jobs, family, finances, friends, etc). The main question is, do we hid behind a mask so that others don't know what we're dealing with? My second set of parents are a class act of this. Especially G who puts on a big smile at church and pretty much everyone she meets and gives the facade that all is well but, if you look in her eyes, it's another story. K doesn't hide it all that much but he doesn't talk either. Me, I can't hide and I can't keep quiet either.
It's not easy being open about what you're thinking and feeling sometimes and we've all been there (or are doing it now). We are taught as children to be seen but not heard (sometimes) when actually it should be just the opposite. If there's anyone who needs to be heard the most, it's our children and I try to encourage R and J to tell me what's going on in their head. R has gotten better about being open with what she's feeling and then we try to work through it. There are some things that she just can't get out because she doesn't have words for it yet but we try to look up words she doesn't understand and that helps.
How many times do we hide behind a mask (either with ourselves or with others)? How many problems do we start by not being open and honest with ourselves and others? I have learned from this past year that it's alot easier being honest and open with myself and with others and it's partly because of the kids. They are both social butterflies (especially J - R is starting to come out a little bit more). In college and especially before then, I was very quiet and shy. *chuckling here* but not anymore. True, I am not the social butterfly but I'm getting there - whether I like it or not! Through this whole experience, it has changed me in more ways than one and it's mostly for the better. Sure, there's some rough patches (just like anybody else who's alive has rough patches) but the key is how you get through them and whether you choose to either learn from them or let it overcome you.
There was a quote (and I don't know who it's from) that was stated Tuesday night and it's stuck with me so, I'm going to pass it on to you... "If you aren't too busy to worry, then you aren't too busy to pray". Good words to live by.
More to follow.....
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The humor of a 1 yr old.
This morning (and pretty much throughout the day) I've had a few good chuckles due to a very inquisitive 1 year old and his discoveries.
J is now 13 months old and his latest feat is getting a whiffel ball and throwing it behind his back, turning around to get it and then repeating the process over and over again. He also like "Old McDonald" and he will sing e - i - e - e- i (instead of e i e i o).
Last night, he showed his compassionate side. R had to be reminded (via a rubber ended spatula) how important it is to obey me. I usually don't have to spank her very often but every once in a while, she likes to see if she can get away with something which backfires. While I was holding her on my lap (after she got 2 good swats), J was looking at me with this "I can't believe you just did that!" look and started to cry himself (and patting R on the back in the process).
I pointed this out to R and told her that she had a little brother who was looking out for her and didn't like the fact that she disobeyed and had to get a spanking. She thanked J for that and learned her lesson (at least for now anyway).
With children, things are very simple and concrete. For adults, its everything but that and then we wonder why our lives seem so confusing. I am being taught by my children to just take things simply as they are and not do an overkill. It's hard to do sometimes but I think there would be much happier adults if we looked at things through the eyes of a 1 yr old but with the wisdom of an adult.
More to follow.....
J is now 13 months old and his latest feat is getting a whiffel ball and throwing it behind his back, turning around to get it and then repeating the process over and over again. He also like "Old McDonald" and he will sing e - i - e - e- i (instead of e i e i o).
Last night, he showed his compassionate side. R had to be reminded (via a rubber ended spatula) how important it is to obey me. I usually don't have to spank her very often but every once in a while, she likes to see if she can get away with something which backfires. While I was holding her on my lap (after she got 2 good swats), J was looking at me with this "I can't believe you just did that!" look and started to cry himself (and patting R on the back in the process).
I pointed this out to R and told her that she had a little brother who was looking out for her and didn't like the fact that she disobeyed and had to get a spanking. She thanked J for that and learned her lesson (at least for now anyway).
With children, things are very simple and concrete. For adults, its everything but that and then we wonder why our lives seem so confusing. I am being taught by my children to just take things simply as they are and not do an overkill. It's hard to do sometimes but I think there would be much happier adults if we looked at things through the eyes of a 1 yr old but with the wisdom of an adult.
More to follow.....
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