A little challenge...

About two weeks ago, I had a check-up with my OBGYN. I had told him at the beginning of my 3rd trimester that I had a lot of itching in my feet and lower legs. I was told that it was pregnancy hormone related. The only problem is that it was now keeping me up at night and seemed to be getting worse. He then had me get some blood work done to rule out if there was anything going on. I was supposed to find out the following Friday... Nothing. Was told that I would hear from them on Monday... Nothing. Finally, on Tuesday (of last week) I got a call from Dr. Citty's nurse and she said he wanted me to come in that afternoon if possible. Talk about feeling nervous! Thankfully, Jeff was able to stay at home and get the kids down for a nap and I could go ahead to the MD's office. They were busy but I eventually got in and given a shot in the left hip (a rather painful, stinging one at that) and strapped to a baby heart monitor. This also brought back memories of when I was about this far along in my pregnancy with James. The situation was different but the uncertainty was certainly there. Once again, I was going down a path that I wasn't prepared for and didn't know what to expect. At that time, I was just trying to breath and eat. This time, I was just trying to get some sort of relief and sleep. I didn't have to worry too much because I knew Jeff was there along with me. May not have been physically there because he was taking care of the kids but he was with me in spirit. That made a world of difference! When the MD came in, he told me that my bio salts in my liver were too high and that is what was causing the increased itching and it could cause complications for me and the baby as it got closer to due date. Not something that I got all nice, warm, fuzzy feelings about. All I knew was that I wanted to be healthy and have a healthy little one (whenever he gets here). Thankfully, in comes the internet (specifically FB) and being reacquainted with old friends that I knew as a teenager. One of my friends told me that the symptoms sounded alot like what her sister had to deal with in her pregnancy. Rachel then gave me a lot of good info and a website that explained a lot of the why's, how's etc, of this (itchymoms.com) which gave me a much better understanding of what was going on and some things that I could do to help improve the situation for me and Baby Lex. I am so thankful for friendships that had been made over the years and how supportive everyone has been in dealing with a (somewhat) unknown. Life is full of challenges which can either make us stronger individuals or break us down completely (if we allow that to happen). The most important thing is to continue in God's faithfulness in that He will never forsake us when we think things are getting a bit much.

Visiting family and friends

This last weekend, our family went to meet/visit with some of Jeff's extended family near Montgomery, AL. The GPS said it was an 8 hour drive one way. The kids were excited about meeting lots of cousins and going to a lake. The drive initially started out pretty well. Unfortunately, we didn't have a working DVD player in the car because a certain 3 yr old jammed a DVD in and now it's stuck (and the poor DVD player is constantly trying to get the disk out. Thankfully, the kids had other things to keep them busy so that was ok. As we got into Montgomery, we got to a stand-still and the GPS advised us to turn around and go a different direction instead of not moving. That "other direction" ended up adding 2 hours to the trip and putting us in a constant circle. Needless to say, baby Lex was NOT happy with me which caused quite a bit of discomfort for me. Finally got to the house and were able to eat a late dinner with the family and the kids got to acquaint themselves with their "new" cousins. R was ecstatic because she was the oldest of all 8 kids. J (like most little one's) didn't sleep very well in a new place until the last night (go figure) but boy did they get a good work out while we were there! :) Lots of kids to play with, plenty of room to run around in, adults who treated our kids like they do their own, and plenty of time spent at (or in) the lake and playing in the sand and just being able to relax for a few days and get to know some awesome people. :) We decided to go back home a different direction and to split the trip up (much easier on me and the kids). Jeff had lived in Athens, AL for several years before moving to Searcy. He had also sung with a singing group. Jeff made a quick call to one of the guys who (as Bryant put it) was a "brother from another mother" and they let us spend the night (since one of their daughter's had recently gotten married and moved out). They also had singing practice that night so, Jeff got to see some ol' friends that he used to sing with and sing with two of the guys. J (of course) only wanted a microphone and to sing on his own so, both of my boys were totally in their element and having a blast! The rest of the drive back went pretty well and the kids are still kinda recouping on sleep :). Over all, it was a great trip and the start of some great memories. :)

The importance of words

Ever since Jeff and I have been married (back in Sept. '11), Jeff made it a point to tell R "I love you Princess" every night as part of the good-night ritual. He also tells her the same thing when it's rest/nap time in the afternoon (and yes, she still goes to sleep in the afternoons). Lately, I've noticed what kind of effect that these words have had on R. Even before Donovan died, she didn't play with Barbie's much or dress up as a Princess. She would dress up for a fancy tea party or as a fairy or something but, she didn't hear those words on a daily basis from anyone. If there is a Princess movie out (like Barbie's MANY Princess movies), she'd watch it maybe once and that would be it. Since she hears those words on a daily basis, I believe it's also raised her self esteem. She's more confident of herself. She's more open and that little spark of joy that left after Donovan passed is coming back - stronger each day and I love seeing that. Like I told Jeff a few nights ago, God KNOWS what He's doing and He knew exactly what each member of this family needed so, in His time, He provided. It's both humbling and inspiring to see and experience. Depression and grief and sap the life out of someone if they allow it to and Satan is rubbing his hands in glee when this is accomplished. Grief can leave you with a feeling of "I deserve this" or, "It's my fault my life is like this" when, in reality, life's experiences were beyond our control anyway but, we are left with feelings of guilt, depression, resentment, anger, etc.... God has a way of changing that by the people who come into our lives and help us become stronger. He has everything perfectly timed for smooth transitions that we only notice in hindsight. The thing is, we HAVE to let HIM have His way and on His time. Life can be a very challenging and scary roller coaster ride. The tie breaker is if we keep getting back up, shake the dust off, keep our faith alive, and keep trusting in Him. More to follow......

The records

Over the past few weeks, Jeff has started cataloging Donovan's records that I held back. Jeff has been wanting to go thru them and see exactly what we have but, it's kinda hard to do when there's about 2 or 3,000 of them and most are not in alphabetical order. So, Jeff has now gone thru two boxes and put all of the info into a database that he will be using later when we get some shelves up for the records. Donovan was a "makes-no-sense" kind of collector. He and his dad would look through record bins at different thrift stores or, I would find something that I thought he might find interesting at estate sales in the DFW area. Mostly, Donovan went for 70's and 80's type of music and then throw some jazz, classical, and anything else. Luckily, Jeff has found some records that he initially took with him to boot camp (but didn't walk out with them) and then some that he just liked the sound. It's kinda nice hearing the music again but, it's different. Neither one of the guys listened to the same type of music so, we'll see what's left standing when Jeff gets through it all (and that will take a while). The kids seem to enjoy hearing the records as well (especially when Jeff throws in a black light and a lava lamp). R REALLY enjoys that aspect and isn't upset when somethings playing. Not sure if it's just because of the effects of the room or that she hasn't recognized anything that's been played yet. She just happy to have some music appreciation time with her daddy. It seems that every week, she's opening up more to Jeff. There have been some times that she just wants to cuddle on his lap and not share with J (even though he won't let that rest until he has his spot on Jeff's lap). Makes me smile. More to follow........

Father's Day weekend/week

A few days before Father's Day, Jeff and I decided to go to Garland, Tx and spend Father's day/K's B-day with them. As a result, it ended up being much more than just a trip to see family. We left home on Friday and got in rather late Thursday night. I also found out that one of my dear friends (who was facing her 2nd round of chemotherapy) was having a "wig party" on Saturday night and if we could come.... Only stipulation was that everyone HAD to wear a wig. Babysitters/food provided. So, (with G's help) we managed to find some hair pieces for Jeff and I (and yes, I have pic's). Got there kinda late due to Jeff having stomach issues (that had developed on Thursday on the way down) and J managing to get a nice cut on his chin from hitting the kitchen table (little 3 yr old boys... 'nuff said). Vince and Jerra have set a HUGE example for me in many aspects. They agreed to both shave their heads to 3" of hair. The reason, I learned later was that, if you are taking chemo and completely shave your head before your hair starts falling out, the hair follicles don't like it and cause the muscles in your head to hurt (A LOT). Jerra is a fun-loving lady who has tried to see the positive aspect of facing breast cancer. They have 3 adopted children (who are originally from Russia - the two youngest - sisters - they adopted a year ago) and have gone thru a lot of hurdles to help their children.... Such an inspiration! Anywho, Vince got his head shaved first and their son didn't handle that transition very well but, thankfully they have a little pool in the back yard that the kids were taking full advantage of. Jerra went next and it took a little longer because they had to cut her hair first before shaving it down. She looked like Demi Moore from GI Jane! Beautiful! It was sooo good to see so many of my friends that had rallied around me after Donovan died now, rallying around Jerra! When I first learned that Jerra had breast cancer, I bawled so, I wasn't sure if I would cry when she got her hair shaved or not but, everyone kept the atmosphere in a good mode and that makes all the difference sometimes. :) The rest of the time that we were in Garland was pretty much spent with K and G. K and G's mom (Margie) have their birthday's pretty close so the kids went to celebrate (K and Margie) birthday at the nursing home that Margie is at. Good times! G also took the kids to the science museum and Jeff and I were able to have some "Us" time for a change.... Soooo nice to find a book store/Starbucks and just slow down a bit. On Sunday, it was good to see everyone at Centerville Road C of C and how people reacted to how much the kids have grown and changed (especially R who- as the Bible school teacher put it - is blossoming). We've noticed some small changes with R in that she's opening up more with Jeff and not constantly running to me for answers/questions... Etc. One thing that I noticed on this trip was that she was more on edge when we were over at K and G's house. She seemed relaxed elsewhere but not at their house. Not sure if it's because she sees the same pictures of Donovan everywhere (they haven't changed anything as far as pictures goes since he died) or if she doesn't quite know how to act around them. Ideas??? One thing for sure was that she was much more relaxed and at peace when we got back home and that makes all the difference to me. She doesn't feel under stress at home which is as it should be. The kids also did a hand-printed shirt for Jeff for Father's day. On it, it says, To the best Dad... Hands down. Brilliant me didn't realize that the kid's hand prints wouldn't be dried before going to Tx. So, we did the hand prints on Thursday evening while Jeff was ministering at the prison. I let the kids stay up extra late so that they could show it to him when he got home.... Reaction, priceless! The kids were sooo excited about their handiwork and being able to give something to their dad.... :) More to follow.......

Another loss

The above pictures were taken on Aug. 16th, 2001.... The day Donovan and I got married. The lady is Marcelline Buchanan who passed on to heaven yesterday. She was a wonderful christian lady who was a "Mom" to my dad and a "Grandmother" to me. She taught me so much and also taught me how to drive. She spoiled me as anything grandmother would (except that we weren't blood related). When we were living in Lamesa, Tx. She was my dad's secretary and didn't know how to use the computer (she was in her late 70's I think at the time) but Dad taught her how to use the computer. She was there for my wedding to Donovan and was able to meet R less than a month after she was born. Sadly, about 5 or 6 years ago, she started down the road of Alzheimer's. During the last few years, she didn't know who anyone was. I had often debated on whether to go down and see her but, I'm glad I have these good memories instead. In the first picture, there is also a man named Everett who was K's dad and passed on to heaven about a year ago (either this month or next). Yet another reminder of how brief life really is. Everett and Marcelline were in their late 90's but Donovan was only 35. Death does not respect people.... regardless of age. Disease doesn't either. I am thankful that, for the first time in 3 1/2 years, I was able to look at my wedding pictures of Donovan and my wedding and not break down to uncontrollable tears. It actually felt good to show those pictures to Jeff. He was with me when I got the call from G about Everett's passing and he's here again when I got the news about Marcelline. I've been soo blessed! More to follow.....

I know that I'm jumping forward from Spring Break but, this is HUGE to me. Ever since the day Donovan died, R hasn't prayed like she used to. You know, the child like innocence of thanking God for EVERYTHING from the people in your life to the light fixtures in the room to the bed you slept on. She used to rattle off a long list of things that she was thankful for every night.... Before Donovan died on her 5th birthday. Now, she still doesn't realize the date and I pray that she won't ask about the date until she's much older and lots more mature to handle that kind of information. She has told Jeff that she loved him..... He tells her he "loves my princess" every night before bed but she just kinda hugs him back and tells him good night. Other times, she won't hesitate with the "I love you too" bit... It comes and goes in waves but she's getting there. She has come a long way tho.... Thanks to constant love from us and help from her friends at school and teachers, she doesn't stutter like she used to (only when she gets really excited or upset about something) but not every time she tries to say something. She's happy and she laughs more (thanks to Daddy for that). For the past 3 1/2 years, she hasn't prayed on her own. She did do that once when J started wanting to give thanks before we eat but then she would politely say no if asked again. Tonight was a big on in my eyes and she used some of Jeff's words that he uses for giving thanks before meals (and then she asked what those words meant). It's like a light is slowly going off for her and she's getting her little sparkle back in her eyes. I know that there are going to be some tough bridges to cross down the road with her (as with J). As she grows and matures and the questions may be difficult, I know that with God's help, constant love and support from us, her family, and friends, they'll both make it. One day at a time. :) More to follow....