Newest addition!

For those of you who don't know yet... We have a new addition to our family! Her name is Chloe and she's 3 months old and a complete joy!

R claims that Chloe is HER dog and as soon as she gets home from school, Chloe is. However, *evil chuckle here* I think Chloe is more my dog than anything else. She is right at my heels where ever I am (except when she starts out the night on R's bed). Usually, by the time I'm ready to go to sleep, Chloe is ready too and she takes up the other half of the bed (most of the time).

She's also very patient with J. She will give him a little nip if he gets too close to her "toys" (which are usually his toys) to let him know to back off when she's playing. But on the whole, couldn't ask for a better dog and it's helped R a lot (and me as well).

More to follow.....

Getting through an upheaval.

This is the first of (many) ideas that have sprung from reading the book "Eat, Pray, Love". It took me several months to get through the whole thing. Although I liked the book as a whole, the start and about half of the middle were a bit hard to get through since there were tons of three letter words dropped everywhere (big turn off for me personally) so... I'm going to get off my soapbox and keep going. :)

The following is an exert from the book so please bear with me on this: " a housewife, then unexpectedly became a widow, then took up fan-dancing to make money, ended up somehow as the first female dentist in out space, an then tried to hand at national politics - yet who has managed to hold an intact sense of herself throughout every upheaval."

This really hit home for me in that I know I am no where near who I was 27 months ago (boy that doesn't sound very long ago... Does it?) and I know I'm probably not done changing yet either. The fact is, no one is completely done changing until they take their last breath. Each and every human being is constantly changing (whether we like it or not) and have been since the time that we were born. We've all had chaos to deal with in one way or another.

When I was working on a locked Geri-Psych floor in Knoxville, Tn., there was an exercise that we social workers used with the patients. Most of these patients could remember back to when they were children and we asked them to think about when they first went to Kindergarten and how they felt. The first time they went to the 5th or 6th grade and how they felt about the change. Some had good memories about those times and some did not. We all have those kinds of memories that were either pleasant or horrible but, like most kids, we all rolled with the flow, tried to do what we were told and make whoever proud of us.

What changes when we become adults and start having panic attacks, sleepless nights, and anxiety because of changes? Is it because we place more pressure on ourselves or allow pressure to be placed on us? When we were kids, we knew that (somehow) everything was going to work out ok. We had confidence in our family or those that loved and cared about us and we didn't worry. What happened??

I don't know about you but, I'm trying to get back to having that confidence of a kid again. Too many times, we lose our faith in ourselves, others, God, etc and we get sooo wrapped in everything else that we lose who we are as a person. When was the last time that you went and did some serious swinging on the swings? To have that feeling of "flying" through the air without limits (at least as long as the chain would let us... Ha!).

Sure, we all have responsibilities to God, our children, parents, family, co-workers, etc... But we also have a responsibility to our individual selves in not getting so wrapped up in stuff that we forget who we are.

Change, for the most part, is a good thing if we handle it right. We can either face it kicking and screaming like a tyrant 2-yr old or just go with whatever God has in store for us and see what happens.

More to follow.....

Catching up... again.

Hello again! Thought I had forgotten?? Not really... Have been really busy and feeling an overwhelming urge to get (almost) everything out before I burst. I didn't realize that I hadn't written since Dec. 14th! Yikes!

Ok... In a nutshell. Christmas this year (for me anyway) was a lot easier to deal with. Yes, it was still painful but I didn't cry much this time. K and G still had a hard time. As usual, G had her "mask" on but K had to wipe tears from his eyes a few times. It hurts to see them upset or hurting but, I also know that, in order to heal, they have to deal with the pain. Accept it for what it is and keep going. The big problem is that too many times, people would rather stay in the pain (especially if they've experienced it for soo long) because they've become numb to it, than getting up the courage to forge ahead.

New Year's Eve was an exciting day for me in many aspects and I can only hope that I have many more exciting New Year's ahead for me and the kids. For the time being, it's back to basic's and taking care of me (and learning along the way) and the children.

J's birthday was bitter sweet in that it was another realization that another year had passed of missed opportunities for J and R. Another year gone that they've missed of being around a real man and leader. I also realized that I can't really be a father and mother to them. I can only be me and a mom. They will only be able to learn (for now I hope) from a distance and from watching the men at church and how they act and behave.

R has done pretty well this year... At least until this last Saturday. She had a melt down of sorts and cried hard. Asking the same questions of why Donovan wasn't coming back. If we could go to heave and get him back and just repeating over and over that she wanted him back. She knows that he wouldn't be able to be the same dad that she remembers if he did survive. She said that she didn't want him to stay alive in a hospital or unable to play like he would have. She also said that "when I get old, I'll obey God so that way I can go to heaven and see Daddy." Then it was off to play and a good night's sleep. I still have a lot to learn from her. I was still heavy-hearted after that talk. I felt a little happy about her ability to understand more but I wish I didn't have to sit there, rocking a little body sobbing from tears. That part kills me but, it's something that she has to walk through on her own. I can only empathize and try to help her understand things that we mere humans can grasp.

Meantime, J is blissfully unaware of such things. He as busy trying to climb on top of us in giving his sister some much needed hugs. Part of me was chuckling at him and hurting for her.... Talk about polar opposites! I know that I will be having the same type of talks with him when he is older (and hopefully he'll be at an age to grasp things).

On a completely different topic.... I did read "Eat, Pray, Love" and made lots of notes so, I will be trying to write my two cents on that book (but probably from a different view than the original writer).

More to follow.... :)

Book thoughts

A good friend of mine on FB suggested that I read "Eat, Pray, Love". I finally (after a couple of months or so) finished the book and while I enjoyed reading it (and especially her honesty), I know I will probably never watch the movie (no offense Julia Roberts) largely because of the language (which is something that I can't tolerate very well).

I did however highlight things that she said that really hit home for me. In many ways, I could totally relate to the writer. So, I will be doing some writing about that as time goes on...

More to follow.....

Hope in grief

Last night, I met with a small group at Grief Works which is sponsored by several Churches of Christ in the DFW area. The group is under the umbrella of Christian Works and is geared mainly for children (ages 5 and up) and their caregivers. Grief Works helps families that have expeinced the loss of a family memeber and last night, we had 4 new families to join us.

We started off as we typically do (which is to introduce ourselves and tell *if you want to* what brought them to the group). Then, we brought up a question that, in all actuality we all need to think about. Where do you see yourself 10 years from now and what goals do you have in place (or are thinking about) to get there?

Most (if not all of the women there) had a hard time focusing in on that question because grief (in all it's stages) can be a HUGE block in looking to the future. Especially if the loss of a spouse happened within the last couple of months or so. So, I changed it to 5 months from now and then down to a simple goal for next week. Of just simply getting through one hour (or at times 5 minutes) at a time.

A loss or any sudden change can be crippling but each individual has a choice of wether to take things one step at a time or stay put and slowly sink. The christian life is much the same way, there is no standing still and hoping that you make it. It takes guts, courage, and (at times) can be downright painful but the ultimate goal is worth every step. Just like Jesus had to take Calvery one step at a time (and He KNEW what was going to happen).

Each of us have challenges that may seem small (or big) to others but we all have a goal (whatever that may be) and to each that goal... takes steps, faith, and hope.

Onwards and upwards!

More to follow.....

Status change

Those of you that are my friends on Facebook may have noticed (or not) that my relationship status has changed (as of the first day of 2011!).

For the last several months, I had debated with myself weather to do this or not and here's the reason why.

Being a widow is painful in and of itself but, it doesn't define a person. The experience of having to go through that is downright heartbreaking (been there, done that!) but you do survive, work through it with God's help and lots of prayers from people who are sometimes closer to you than physical family.

Eventually, you finally get through the end of the grief tunnel and are much stronger (in more ways than one) than when you began. Granted, there are (I'm sure) some bridges that I haven't had to cross yet because it's all new territory for me (just like anybody else) and having a 7 yr old and a soon-to-be two year old is going to have challenges of their own... At least with R, she knows that she can ask any questions and I'll try to answer as honestly (and as basic) as I can for her to understand. J will have his own set of questions that will be different (in some ways) from R but, I'm going to cross that bridge when I get to it...

Anywho, I changed my relationship status to single for a simple reason. Being a widow has made me who I am today but it doesn't define who I am. Going through life can be a challenge but it's how you view things that will determine what the end affect is going to be for the future. Granted, there are things that no one can change but, 5 or 10 or however many years down the road, ask yourself if you would rather be still at the same spot or much further and better than you were before? Would you rather still be in quicksand or out? Sadly, most people don't even realize that they are in quicksand until they find themselves in a point-of-no-return but, as long as God continues to bless us with the air we breath, that point can always change.

My prayer for everyone that I know (or even don't know yet) is that this new year will be one that you will be proud of and be able to thank God for the blessings that we receive on a (sometimes unknown) daily basis.

I also want to say a big thank you (and hugs) to all of you who have been there for support, encouragement, prayers, strength and the ability to smile though the last year (or actually two years). May God continue to bless you as He has blessed me...

Onwards and upwards!

More to follow....

Christmas!

About a week before Christmas, I discovered something that I hadn't done in a long, long time.... I was getting giddy for Christmas! :)

For the last two years, Christmas eve and the actual day had been very, very difficult get through but this year was totally different. I wanted to try and decorate every room in the house with something christmasy (if that's such a word). But, I would have probably gone broke financially if I had carried out my wish so, I did the basics... Christmas tree, lights outside, garland over the fireplace and stockings up, and a little bit in the kitchen.

The only hesitation that I had was going over to K and G's Christmas eve (when the kids would unwrap Christmas presents). Needless to say, that was just as enjoyable. K and G were kinda quiet but they weren't wiping tears from their eyes either (huge blessing!).

Christmas day was even better with the introduction to a new friend and being around (and hearing from) old ones that have always been there for me and the kids. The only slight downside was being over at K and G's house for lunch and watching K wipe a tear away while he was watching J play with some toys.

In a way, I guess that's to be expected and it may take a while for them (if they decided to) get completely through the pain of loss. Everyone moves through those times in a different way and at different speeds. But as long as there's progress, there's always hope.

My prayer is that you and your family were able to enjoy the holiday as much as we did.

More to follow.....