A lot has been going on in the last week or so. Now, I'm just trying to get caught up before my thoughts get lost somewhere... No comments from the peanut gallery! :)
Last weekend, I (along with about 80 other ladies) were able to sit at the feet of a great speaker named Beth Brockman. She gave a talk on Friday night and then again on Saturday morning. The theme of this years retreat was "Keep Calm and Carry On" and boy did I need it!
At first, I was a little skeptical but, after she told us about how she (and her family) had to go through two losses a (17 yr old) brother in an auto accident and sister to cancer, she knows what it's like. She (thankfully) hasn't had to walk down my kind of road yet but, a loss is a loss, no matter how or whom.
One of the things that she had throughout her presentation was some quotes (and those of you from FB KNOW I'm a quote fanatic!) from a book called, "Majesty of Calmness" which is something that I'm going to have to look up and get for myself. IF anyone needs a little bit of extra dose of calmness in their home, I'd be the first to raise my hand!
Case in point, tonight! J had had to get his bath earlier today but, I still had to get R's bath done. R started howling once her feet got wet and said that she may have a splinter in her foot... Sure enough, she had a very tiny one (that was more out than in) in her heal. Start the tear brigade! While R was howling from the fact that I was trying to get a splinter out of her heal, J was trying his hardest to get in the tub with R and getting upset when I would try to turn him around out of the bathroom. He would come crying back in and then start to try and either climb on, over, or on top of me to see what I was doing to his sister and to get in the tub. So, between R's howling, J's crying, and my hacking a lung up, it was a nice little noise in the main bathroom.
All I could muster was a quick prayer for patience and comic relief (which I got instantly). After finally getting R to keep her foot still and the splinter out, and J quiet for a minute, all was well with the world again... almost (another blog about that... promise!).
More to follow.....
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Books and movies
For the past month or so, I've finally started doing something that I used to really enjoy.... BOOKS!!!
For the past year and a half, I had no desire to read anything except maybe in a good magazine articles. Now, if I start a new book, it's hard to put it down. Of course, that can be a bit of a challenge when there is a certain 6 yr old and a very demanding 1 yr old who need just as much attention. :) R, thankfully will take a cue and let me read in peace for a little while (since she's developing her own love of reading) before something comes up that demand attention.
Taking time to just sit down and watch a movie (or at least 30 minutes of one) is a challenge sometimes but, I've learned that if I do, I'm much more relaxed during the week. Of course, this blog is a BIG relaxer for me and a challenge in and of itself. So, I'm making it a point to get through one whole movie in a weeks time. So far, I've watched "Pride and Prejudice (BBC version - my opinion - the best!), "Seven Years in Tibet" (which took a bit longer to get through), and most recently, "Dear John".
The last movie was a challenge for me in two ways. One was the mild (if you can call being shot in action mild) violence and the shooting in and of itself. As for the violence or drama involved in the movie was something that (up to now) was something that I just couldn't stomach. Even the TV shows that are so popular now (expect for Glee of course) are based very much in drama. Even K and G don't seem to have a problem watching any of the crime drama's that are currently broad casted every week (even a few months after Donovan's death). For them, maybe it's just a show but it was much more real for me since I was in the house and dealing with the aftermath and they were kept outside (in their car) with R. The fact of the soldier being shot at was a HUGE hurtle for me. It also make me wonder what Donovan thought about before he blacked out. All I knew is that he was breathing on his own when the EMS took him and that there was a very slim chance that he would make it though the night. Just typing about this know, brings back those mental images of that night but thankfully, it doesn't scare me anymore. It's more of being at peace. I know my daughter will have her own mental images of that night and hopefully they will be peaceful for her as well. I also think about those who have seen much worse and pray that they will also get the help that they need so that those mental images don't remain the horror and terror that they were but rather peaceful.
I am soo grateful for the technologies (neurotherapy)that are now available for those kinds of situations because I know that without that, God, my family, and friends, I would be in a straight jacket now.
Onward and upward!
More to follow.....
For the past year and a half, I had no desire to read anything except maybe in a good magazine articles. Now, if I start a new book, it's hard to put it down. Of course, that can be a bit of a challenge when there is a certain 6 yr old and a very demanding 1 yr old who need just as much attention. :) R, thankfully will take a cue and let me read in peace for a little while (since she's developing her own love of reading) before something comes up that demand attention.
Taking time to just sit down and watch a movie (or at least 30 minutes of one) is a challenge sometimes but, I've learned that if I do, I'm much more relaxed during the week. Of course, this blog is a BIG relaxer for me and a challenge in and of itself. So, I'm making it a point to get through one whole movie in a weeks time. So far, I've watched "Pride and Prejudice (BBC version - my opinion - the best!), "Seven Years in Tibet" (which took a bit longer to get through), and most recently, "Dear John".
The last movie was a challenge for me in two ways. One was the mild (if you can call being shot in action mild) violence and the shooting in and of itself. As for the violence or drama involved in the movie was something that (up to now) was something that I just couldn't stomach. Even the TV shows that are so popular now (expect for Glee of course) are based very much in drama. Even K and G don't seem to have a problem watching any of the crime drama's that are currently broad casted every week (even a few months after Donovan's death). For them, maybe it's just a show but it was much more real for me since I was in the house and dealing with the aftermath and they were kept outside (in their car) with R. The fact of the soldier being shot at was a HUGE hurtle for me. It also make me wonder what Donovan thought about before he blacked out. All I knew is that he was breathing on his own when the EMS took him and that there was a very slim chance that he would make it though the night. Just typing about this know, brings back those mental images of that night but thankfully, it doesn't scare me anymore. It's more of being at peace. I know my daughter will have her own mental images of that night and hopefully they will be peaceful for her as well. I also think about those who have seen much worse and pray that they will also get the help that they need so that those mental images don't remain the horror and terror that they were but rather peaceful.
I am soo grateful for the technologies (neurotherapy)that are now available for those kinds of situations because I know that without that, God, my family, and friends, I would be in a straight jacket now.
Onward and upward!
More to follow.....
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Crying for the old house
Today (so far) has been an emotional roller-coaster for R. For the past week or so, she's been crying because she misses her old room and her old house (even though she was miserable the last 6 months or so that we were still there).
Several times this week, she had cried (hard) to go back and yesterday after school, G took her over there and brought back some more toys (surprise, surprise) and things from her old room. G also told me that she had a good, hard cry while they were over there. Today, she wanted to go back so, I took her for a few minutes since the trees in the front yard needed to be trimmed up before heavy winter hit (like last year). She started crying to stay there and never leave. I just had to say a quick prayer for wisdom and strength to do and say the right thing for her.
I told her that staying there wasn't going to be possible and pointed out that she had had a hard time sleeping over here (old house) and that everything she needed was at home and that she could visit over here (old house) anytime she needed to (for now anyway). I then had to carry her to the car to go home (J had been left in the car while it was running and was crying because we had stayed in there too long). It's times like this that I wish I could split myself in half in order to tend to both... but, can't do that so, deal with each... One at a time and hopefully the tears will stop. R cried on the way home and that caused J to cry (if she gets upset and cries, he does the same... sweet and aggravating at the same time!).
Once we got home, she protested about it and I told her that it would be rest time soon (more protest) so I told her that if she stopped crying, she wouldn't have to lay down right then... Tears stopped and a feeble OK from R.
Then, it was like nothing had happened 30 minutes ago... Both kids were laughing and playing in the living room... Note to self, don't let things get bottle back up on the inside... Once it's out, let it go and move on.
Managed to get J down and then got R down for about 5 minutes. She came back, red puffy eyes and crying to go back to the old house again. All I could do was let her cry it out, get her back in her bed and tell her to get some rest and she'd feel better. So far, not a peep.
I know that being on antibiotics isn't helping R emotionally but, once she can get her upper respiratory infection out, it'll help. It hurts when they hurt but all I can do is try to dry their tears, get them to get some rest, try not to get sick myself (losing battle slowly though... ugh!) and try to keep things positive. At least we are close and around the same surroundings to make it a little bit easier on the kids and the rest of the family.
More to follow......
Several times this week, she had cried (hard) to go back and yesterday after school, G took her over there and brought back some more toys (surprise, surprise) and things from her old room. G also told me that she had a good, hard cry while they were over there. Today, she wanted to go back so, I took her for a few minutes since the trees in the front yard needed to be trimmed up before heavy winter hit (like last year). She started crying to stay there and never leave. I just had to say a quick prayer for wisdom and strength to do and say the right thing for her.
I told her that staying there wasn't going to be possible and pointed out that she had had a hard time sleeping over here (old house) and that everything she needed was at home and that she could visit over here (old house) anytime she needed to (for now anyway). I then had to carry her to the car to go home (J had been left in the car while it was running and was crying because we had stayed in there too long). It's times like this that I wish I could split myself in half in order to tend to both... but, can't do that so, deal with each... One at a time and hopefully the tears will stop. R cried on the way home and that caused J to cry (if she gets upset and cries, he does the same... sweet and aggravating at the same time!).
Once we got home, she protested about it and I told her that it would be rest time soon (more protest) so I told her that if she stopped crying, she wouldn't have to lay down right then... Tears stopped and a feeble OK from R.
Then, it was like nothing had happened 30 minutes ago... Both kids were laughing and playing in the living room... Note to self, don't let things get bottle back up on the inside... Once it's out, let it go and move on.
Managed to get J down and then got R down for about 5 minutes. She came back, red puffy eyes and crying to go back to the old house again. All I could do was let her cry it out, get her back in her bed and tell her to get some rest and she'd feel better. So far, not a peep.
I know that being on antibiotics isn't helping R emotionally but, once she can get her upper respiratory infection out, it'll help. It hurts when they hurt but all I can do is try to dry their tears, get them to get some rest, try not to get sick myself (losing battle slowly though... ugh!) and try to keep things positive. At least we are close and around the same surroundings to make it a little bit easier on the kids and the rest of the family.
More to follow......
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Well of tears
Does anyone know how deep a well goes and how much water will come from it? I know there are scientific measurements for physical wells but, I'm talking about emotional wells.
Here's the reason for the question. Last night, we were invited to a cookout with the young families of the church. Earlier, R had been very quiet and seemed rather sad (even though we had gone to a fall festival yesterday morning). During the drive over to the cookout, she had told me (very simply) that she wished that Daddy was here. My response was the same as it always had been... "I know, but he can't". R: "Why?" Me: "Because he's buried." R: "What's buried?" Me: "He's dead". R: "Why did daddy die?" Me: "Because his heart stopped working and his body is buried in the ground and his soul went back to God." R: "Oh. OK... Can I go play on the swings?" Me: "But of course! and the hayride later" R: (nothing but sounds of glee as she runs off to see her friends).
This same kind of talk has been going on for the last year and a half and I guess she just wanted to be reaffirmed that Donovan was really gone and not coming back. Once this is done, she goes back to being a kid.
For me, it's different. It took everything I had just to walk around to the back where everyone else was while being reminded that Donovan wasn't there and that he wouldn't be there to play with the kids, help with the bonfire, etc as he had 3 years ago. All I wanted to do was turn around and walk away but, I knew there would be consequences if I did that. One, I would have two very upset children who were excited to be able to have some fun with their friends. Two, I would be kicking myself later for not facing facts and just let the tears fall where they may. Managed to get our stuff where it belonged and having someone ask me how I was doing. I couldn't even look them in the eye or say anything. Managed to get in the kitchen and just let it all out. It felt like someone had just sucker punched me in the chest and nothing to do but bend over and cry hard. Thankfully, Velvet had come in to get a bottle for her little one and was there to offer a shoulder. Time just seemed to stand still for a few minutes but eventually, I had to get some air in my lungs (breathing is of necessity, hyperventilation is not).
This wasn't supposed to happen. I thought the well had finally dried up. Wrong! But, it is what it is and all I can do it pray for strength and guidance and get back to life. What is life if you don't have your up's and down's? God's constantly trying to help us get back up while Satan is constantly trying to keep us down.
Thankfully, there is my spiritual family who always pulls through (even though half the time, they don't even know it). So, thanks to Michael B and his comic relief of deciding what to drink, the guys that didn't mind picking J up or holding him when he needed a man's influence.... You guys are awesome in my book! To my "sisters" for hugs and just being extra hands (and feet) to get the kids ready to go home. That's what the christian family is like... They're there when you need a shoulder (or just to listen) and help wipe the tears and they're there when times are great and do "a happy dance" with you and I love them for that.
Over all, it was a great evening and not half as difficult as last year's bonfire. So, onward and upward!
More to follow.....
Here's the reason for the question. Last night, we were invited to a cookout with the young families of the church. Earlier, R had been very quiet and seemed rather sad (even though we had gone to a fall festival yesterday morning). During the drive over to the cookout, she had told me (very simply) that she wished that Daddy was here. My response was the same as it always had been... "I know, but he can't". R: "Why?" Me: "Because he's buried." R: "What's buried?" Me: "He's dead". R: "Why did daddy die?" Me: "Because his heart stopped working and his body is buried in the ground and his soul went back to God." R: "Oh. OK... Can I go play on the swings?" Me: "But of course! and the hayride later" R: (nothing but sounds of glee as she runs off to see her friends).
This same kind of talk has been going on for the last year and a half and I guess she just wanted to be reaffirmed that Donovan was really gone and not coming back. Once this is done, she goes back to being a kid.
For me, it's different. It took everything I had just to walk around to the back where everyone else was while being reminded that Donovan wasn't there and that he wouldn't be there to play with the kids, help with the bonfire, etc as he had 3 years ago. All I wanted to do was turn around and walk away but, I knew there would be consequences if I did that. One, I would have two very upset children who were excited to be able to have some fun with their friends. Two, I would be kicking myself later for not facing facts and just let the tears fall where they may. Managed to get our stuff where it belonged and having someone ask me how I was doing. I couldn't even look them in the eye or say anything. Managed to get in the kitchen and just let it all out. It felt like someone had just sucker punched me in the chest and nothing to do but bend over and cry hard. Thankfully, Velvet had come in to get a bottle for her little one and was there to offer a shoulder. Time just seemed to stand still for a few minutes but eventually, I had to get some air in my lungs (breathing is of necessity, hyperventilation is not).
This wasn't supposed to happen. I thought the well had finally dried up. Wrong! But, it is what it is and all I can do it pray for strength and guidance and get back to life. What is life if you don't have your up's and down's? God's constantly trying to help us get back up while Satan is constantly trying to keep us down.
Thankfully, there is my spiritual family who always pulls through (even though half the time, they don't even know it). So, thanks to Michael B and his comic relief of deciding what to drink, the guys that didn't mind picking J up or holding him when he needed a man's influence.... You guys are awesome in my book! To my "sisters" for hugs and just being extra hands (and feet) to get the kids ready to go home. That's what the christian family is like... They're there when you need a shoulder (or just to listen) and help wipe the tears and they're there when times are great and do "a happy dance" with you and I love them for that.
Over all, it was a great evening and not half as difficult as last year's bonfire. So, onward and upward!
More to follow.....
Friday, October 29, 2010
Halloween
I know, Halloween is a few days away but, this is something that I've been dealing with for the last couple of weeks.
R is all for decorations and doing fun things. This year, she finally settled on being a "My Little Pony - Pinky Pie (and for those of you who don't know who that is, look it up and yes, I will have pictures asap). She also wanted to have a spooky looking house (which gives me the creeps) complete with tombstones, ghost, and skeletons in the front yard and in the house. I (on the shuddering other hand) am not all for that stuff... a few ghost... OK but the tombstones and skeletons... Not a chance.
Granted, R still doesn't have a full comprehension of skeletons, tombstones and such. To her, it looks cool and spooky (in a good way). For me, the skeletons remind me that Donovan is burred 6 feet underground and has a tombstone marker which also brings back mental images of him being on the floor and then in a casket. Even now, it's painful to think about. It wasn't supposed to be like this but, it is none the less.
Thankfully, it's not as difficult to deal with as last year and I'm not loosing any sleep (except for the fact that J is sick with a cold and hasn't been sleeping through the night - Reminder to self - This tooo shall pass) but it can easily start dragging me down if I think too much - (in comes cleaning out boxes).
R settled for a few ghost (one sleeps with her and it's name is Ghostly) and she's looking forward to the candy part. J has discovered that he has a BIG sweet tooth and will promptly let me know when he wants (9 times out of 10) a lollipop.
It is also helpful when I generally have a laugh about one of the kids (or both of them) by their innocence and energy for living every day. Sure, there are times (as with any parent) that you want to roll your eyes heaven ward and ask why but, at the end of the day, it's soooo worth it. The key is getting a balance which is something I'm still working on.
To end on a funny note: Today, J learned to say "chooo chooo" for the train and then proceed to get sooo tickled (while running in circles) if you say it back and then he repeats.
More to follow......
R is all for decorations and doing fun things. This year, she finally settled on being a "My Little Pony - Pinky Pie (and for those of you who don't know who that is, look it up and yes, I will have pictures asap). She also wanted to have a spooky looking house (which gives me the creeps) complete with tombstones, ghost, and skeletons in the front yard and in the house. I (on the shuddering other hand) am not all for that stuff... a few ghost... OK but the tombstones and skeletons... Not a chance.
Granted, R still doesn't have a full comprehension of skeletons, tombstones and such. To her, it looks cool and spooky (in a good way). For me, the skeletons remind me that Donovan is burred 6 feet underground and has a tombstone marker which also brings back mental images of him being on the floor and then in a casket. Even now, it's painful to think about. It wasn't supposed to be like this but, it is none the less.
Thankfully, it's not as difficult to deal with as last year and I'm not loosing any sleep (except for the fact that J is sick with a cold and hasn't been sleeping through the night - Reminder to self - This tooo shall pass) but it can easily start dragging me down if I think too much - (in comes cleaning out boxes).
R settled for a few ghost (one sleeps with her and it's name is Ghostly) and she's looking forward to the candy part. J has discovered that he has a BIG sweet tooth and will promptly let me know when he wants (9 times out of 10) a lollipop.
It is also helpful when I generally have a laugh about one of the kids (or both of them) by their innocence and energy for living every day. Sure, there are times (as with any parent) that you want to roll your eyes heaven ward and ask why but, at the end of the day, it's soooo worth it. The key is getting a balance which is something I'm still working on.
To end on a funny note: Today, J learned to say "chooo chooo" for the train and then proceed to get sooo tickled (while running in circles) if you say it back and then he repeats.
More to follow......
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Back at the batting cage again
Last week, I started taking R back in for neurotherapy and am already seeing results. The first was the fact that she sat by herself on the first visit (major surprise to the staff and to me).
Last school year, we went (almost) every week, except for the times that one (or both) of us were sick. Every week, R wouldn't sit by herself but insisted that I hold her in my lap. Usually, this was perfectly fine because 9 times out of 10, she would fall asleep because it wears her out mentally (which means she needed it in a big way). This year, the focus is still on mental stability and also being able to get past ADHD (focus).
Two days after the first session, she started wanting to read me a book before bed. Now, this may not seem like a big deal but for someone who wasn't able to stay on task for a 2 minute homework assignment and saying "I Can't! I Can't! It's too hard" to being able to sit down, do the homework (with a little bit of "I don't want to" thrown in) in a few minutes time and reading books (where there wasn't any interest before) is huge for me. She's also more confident in herself and I know that it will continue to grow as time goes on.
As for me, the last time I went in for a neurotherapy session was when J turned 1 (back in Feb). Sure, there have been some rough spots but nothing compared to last year and what I can handle or work through (aka: This blog! ha!). Granted, this year isn't over yet but, there (I think) isn't anything that I haven't had to deal with yet that I haven't had to face already (but I'm sure there's always a first). Also, I know that God and my church family is always there for me when I need it the most (even when I don't always see it sometimes).
More to follow......
Last school year, we went (almost) every week, except for the times that one (or both) of us were sick. Every week, R wouldn't sit by herself but insisted that I hold her in my lap. Usually, this was perfectly fine because 9 times out of 10, she would fall asleep because it wears her out mentally (which means she needed it in a big way). This year, the focus is still on mental stability and also being able to get past ADHD (focus).
Two days after the first session, she started wanting to read me a book before bed. Now, this may not seem like a big deal but for someone who wasn't able to stay on task for a 2 minute homework assignment and saying "I Can't! I Can't! It's too hard" to being able to sit down, do the homework (with a little bit of "I don't want to" thrown in) in a few minutes time and reading books (where there wasn't any interest before) is huge for me. She's also more confident in herself and I know that it will continue to grow as time goes on.
As for me, the last time I went in for a neurotherapy session was when J turned 1 (back in Feb). Sure, there have been some rough spots but nothing compared to last year and what I can handle or work through (aka: This blog! ha!). Granted, this year isn't over yet but, there (I think) isn't anything that I haven't had to deal with yet that I haven't had to face already (but I'm sure there's always a first). Also, I know that God and my church family is always there for me when I need it the most (even when I don't always see it sometimes).
More to follow......
Monday, October 18, 2010
Cooking.... Full steam ahead!
For the past two weeks, I've been cooking something every night. Now, most people may think that that is not uncommon. For us, it is.
For the last (a little over) year and a half, I could not seem to motivate myself to fix anything (breakfast, lunch, or dinner). Since we've moved to a new house and in the process of making it our home, I've been cooking a little bit every day. A lot of the time, R will pick out what she likes (sees) from recipe cards and then I ask her which one she wants me to fix for supper.
A friend once told me that I (we) would never have complete peace until we moved out of that house and I didn't realize how right they were until now. It's been totally liberating and not just for me but also for the children. I didn't realize how far down I had sunk until we got out of that house. Some people can be dragged down by other people. Others can be dragged down for situations that may (or may not) be out of their control. Still others can be dragged down by where they are physically and that was the case for me and I hated it. However, I won't (and shouldn't) do the would have/ should have/ could have game. Partly because I have two small children who mirror what I show them (or sometimes try to hide from them which can be just as damaging).
So, with all that being said, there will continue to be alot of messes to clean up in the kitchen but, I'm not going to complain (even if J does get jello up under the table... ha!).
More to follow.....
For the last (a little over) year and a half, I could not seem to motivate myself to fix anything (breakfast, lunch, or dinner). Since we've moved to a new house and in the process of making it our home, I've been cooking a little bit every day. A lot of the time, R will pick out what she likes (sees) from recipe cards and then I ask her which one she wants me to fix for supper.
A friend once told me that I (we) would never have complete peace until we moved out of that house and I didn't realize how right they were until now. It's been totally liberating and not just for me but also for the children. I didn't realize how far down I had sunk until we got out of that house. Some people can be dragged down by other people. Others can be dragged down for situations that may (or may not) be out of their control. Still others can be dragged down by where they are physically and that was the case for me and I hated it. However, I won't (and shouldn't) do the would have/ should have/ could have game. Partly because I have two small children who mirror what I show them (or sometimes try to hide from them which can be just as damaging).
So, with all that being said, there will continue to be alot of messes to clean up in the kitchen but, I'm not going to complain (even if J does get jello up under the table... ha!).
More to follow.....
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