Brief update that's WAY overdue!

I haven't written on this in a long, long, long time. A lot of drastic changes have taken place since my last writing and, to be completely honest, I've lost heart over the last 4 years or so. You would think that this girl would get it by now that it's just the way life is. You get knocked down (and sometimes repeatedly) and then try to get back up. The last 4 years have been really difficult (mentally and physically) so, I will try to work thru the last few years and get caught up. Bear with me...

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and new beginnings on the horizon

This Christmas, as we've done for the last 3 years, was spent at K and G's house. The trip as a whole was pretty good. Granted, we could have done without AR deciding that Dec. 20th would be the day for some major construction on major interstates but on the whole, not too bad. I have to say that I was surprised by K and G. G has started the purging process and I'm proud of her for this.... It takes a lot of mental and emotional work (eg: getting yourself in balance) to get to this point (and it's not easy. I can only imagine how tough it was for them because not only did they have to clear out stuff from things that they saved from Donovan's and my home but also from Everett's stuff (K's dad who passed in '10 - I think) and also Jay's things (K's brother who passed in '13). They cleaned out their "storage room" so that L could have his own space to sleep (and not wake up the other two and vice verse). G said she even found stuff from her teaching days that she was surprised she still had! In the grieving journey, purging is like doing spring cleaning in the mind except it's tied to physical things. You reach the point that the physical stuff doesn't matter that much anymore. Granted, there are some things that are handed down and you want to save those things for your children and grandchildren. Most people want to be surrounded (or stay) in their home that they accumulated stuff with their loved one because it's comforting. Then those things become like a controlling agent. You can't control when death comes so, you hang on to things as if you could control the loss. Then, (and this is the hardest part to get to) you get to the point that you don't want that stuff around you any more. It's not a part of your life or who you are so, you let it go. You let go of control (that you really didn't have to begin with). G has gotten to this point. K kinda has but I think he's gone along with it because that's what G wants (that and he want's his own space that he can actually sit at his computer when he needs to). Once everyone had settled in, things were good. K and G are more open and accepting of Jeff and R's Christmas to him confirmed everything as far as the 5 of us are concerned. Jeff is Daddy. Plain and simple. This hasn't been easy for R either. She has had mental and emotional walls that she's built up because of fear of loosing what she loves most again. Now, she has a genuine laughter and she can dish it right back to Jeff (or even beat him to the punch sometimes). She knows she is safe and she's not afraid to say she loves him or run up and give him a hug. There will still be some rough roads ahead (as for everyone) but, she's come a long way and it's wonderful watching her bloom. More to follow....

The start of summer and a suprise....

I haven't posted in a while and I do apologize for not writing more frequently. The school year officially wrapped up for R on Tuesday of this week. She had been sooo worried about being held back this year because her math grades have not been good. She's done well in everything else and she will have a lot of work to do this summer just to be ready for the fall. Today, Jeff (and the rest of the gang of First Day) had to sing in Mountain Home, AR and he left here about 2:30. The surprise is that R actually reached for him and gave him a hug and said "I love you too". This may not sound like much for most people but it's huge for R! I'm not sure if she's just been stressed about getting thru to the end of the school year or what but, she wouldn't even hug me sometimes.... She would just lean in to get a hug but never put her arms around anyone... Even me. So, today was a nice surprise and hopefully this summer won't be quite so stressful for her (even though I know she's not going to like doing homework but, it's gotta get done.) More to follow.....

A loss for another family

This last week, R and I were in the car and driving by a cemetery. There was a funeral in progress and R made the comment of that fact. Then, she said that maybe it was a classmate of her's funeral. At first, I didn't know how to respond except for "O?" She said that one of her classmates mom had died and maybe that funeral was for his mom. My heart broke for her classmate and his family. I suggested to her that maybe she could tell him that he's not alone in loosing a parent. She knew what that was like. I told her that sometimes, it helps others to know that they aren't the only ones who have gone thru something very difficult. I reminded her that, when she met other kids who had lost a parent(s), she had been ecstatic because she now knew that she wasn't alone. R didn't say anything about that but she did ask me if she went to Donovan's funeral. I had to tell her that she didn't. She asked why and I told her that she was too young to understand what was going on and still in a lot of shock at that time. I told her that, every time someone came over to the house, she would go and hide under the kitchen (or dinning room) table. She thought that was funny and couldn't believe that she did that. We then talked about how sudden changes (like the sudden death of a parent) can cause people to do things that they normally wouldn't do and that it's normal for people to go into shock. The key is to know when you need to do something about it instead of hiding away from everyone and everything. My little girl is growing up and I am so thankful that she feels comfortable to be able to ask questions (even the tough ones) and that her sense of humor is developing to the point that she can pull some looks on Jeff that have him rolling in the floor sometimes. It takes work to make a family and make a home but it's sooo worth it! More to come.....

Too young to worry.....

A few weeks ago, Jeff went to Mountain Home, AR to work on a new CD with the rest of the gang of First Day. He left Friday evening (after supper) and didn't get home until Monday evening (shortly after the kids had gone to bed). Before he left on Friday, R told him that "I hope nothing bad happens to you while you're gone". She also told him that she loved him (twice). She then told me the same thing after Jeff had left (I hope nothing bad happens to Daddy). She was encouraged both times that, if we had anything to do with it, Daddy would be back. R doesn't usually voice her worries unless something is really bothering her and she doesn't tell Jeff "I love you" very often (even tho she shows it every day - pretty much). It's times like these when I feel a little angry. I'm learning how death of a parent affects children and I don't like what I see sometimes. I feel angry at Donovan for leaving us soo soon and how it has effected the children so far. I feel angry that a 10 yr old is having to work thru fears that no 10 yr old should every had to deal with. Then, the old thorns of "Why me?" & "What if?" come trumpeting in and then I have to remind myself that this is all in God's hands and He can handle everything. There's no need for me to fret and worry about stuff that I don't have control over anyway. The best thing I can do (as does Jeff) is to be loving, supportive, listening, open, and honest. This lets her feel free to say what she thinks without (hopefully) fear of being judged or cause us to worry too much. R has come a long way in battling her own mental/emotional demons and I'm thankful that she has a bit of her old spark back and is able to develop her own sense of personality and being able to laugh and joke around with Jeff. I know that there will be some rough stuff to go through as the children get older but, with God's help (and taking things one day at a time), we'll get through it... :) More to follow...

Silence is golden... Or is it?

One thing that stood out for me, during our visit with K and G during the Christmas holidays is that the house was never quiet. Sure, there's a total of 7 people in the house (and 3 of them under the age of 10) but, even if the kids are quiet (or asleep) the house was never completely quiet. Why? Simple. The TV was always on. One afternoon, I turned the living room TV off. I then made a comment to K of "Silence doesn't kill." He responded by half chuckling and then saying "Sometimes". I understand where he's coming from because I used to be like that. Shortly after Donovan died, I couldn't stand to be in a quiet house. It was too surreal and made reality hit even harder. I didn't like reality hits. That heaping does of reality hurt sometimes, almost to the point of being unbearable. As much as I didn't like it, reality hit anyway and then you learn to roll thru the waves or go for help when it gets to be too much. THAT is when silence comes in. It's soothing. It's peaceful and comforting. It's like a nice, warm, comfy blanket that doesn't make you feel smothered. Silence is also very difficult to face. Like with K and G, they've come a long way in letting their son go and being at peace with everything that happened. Sure, there are still a lot of questions that will never be answered this side of heaven. There are (and will be) some tough bridges to cross as the children grow up. The toughest thing is looking at yourself (without the world's noise blaring in your ears) and enjoying the silence (and presence of the Almighty). Being ok with who you are as a person and being ok with unanswered questions. Being ok with not having instant gratification or entertainment in order to feel happy. In grief, as in life, this is a must. It's difficult to accomplish and it is a constant work in progress. However, it is soo worth it. So, where are you at? Do you fall asleep with the TV (and sound) on or, do you savor the silence when you can or, are you still a work in progress (like myself) :). More to follow.....

5 years gone.

In some ways, it's hard to believe that Donovan has been gone for a little over 5 years now. That reality was a tough one to swallow tho. I had a lot of triggers that were set off (which I've written about before this one). It was (I think) really difficult for his parents. We actually left here to go to K and G's house a day early due to bad weather that had been issued at home. I'm thankful we did go early tho as we got about 3 - 6 inches of rain (and still under flood warnings still from all the rain). Since we were in Garland on that Saturday, I had thought that I would have at least shed some tears at some point during the day. I didn't. I was strangely at peace (emotionally speaking). It was not that way for K tho. Shortly after breakfast, he broke down but then had to recover quickly because R came in to ask him about something. R still doesn't know that her father died on her birthday but, I know she will someday (and hopefully when she is much, much older). I still dread when she ask the question of when did Donovan die but, as Jeff reminds me, that will be a bridge we'll cross when we get to it. No need to worry about it now. Christmas came and went. J got sick with the stomach bug (but only threw up once), then R and I got hit hard with the same bug. Then, L got it and K. Jeff and G were the last ones and Jeff was the last one to go down. Unfortunately, this all started up on Christmas day with J. I guess the saying is true that a family that shares together....*sigh*. Needless to say, THAT is something I don't want a repeat of. Ever. As a result of this "shared" bug, we ended up staying a day longer than we had planned. Thankful that we didn't HAVE to rush back home or feel majorly stressed out by staying a little longer. More to follow....

Triggers

Even after almost 5 years, triggers can hit at any time. This last week was one of them. Yesterday, our neighbor had to be take to the hospital via the EMS. I went over to try and help and keep her little dog calm. I'm not sure what exactly was wrong but, she's usually a very active person and (at that time) she was very weak and lethargic. Seeing that EMS pull up set off a trigger for me. It made me remember when the EMS pulled up for Donovan and it made my heart sink. I had seen plenty of EMS zooming down the highways/streets to get someone but, seeing that thing yesterday just brought it all back. In some ways, it didn't help that I couldn't get a hold of Jeff either (he was at the Grimes prison) and I panicked. My mind went racing - briefly - and thinking the worse (somethings happened to Jeff to!) kind of thinking. In the back of your mind, you know you're just over reacting and that things will be ok but your mind can turn into overdrive after going through something traumatic. It also didn't help that it will be 5 years that Donovan's been gone (this coming Saturday) and the fact that R is turning 10! Needless to say, I broke down this morning in Bible class. I wasn't going to add to the prayer list for all of us to remember those who have lost loved ones and mention that the holidays are especially difficult for many of those people. I couldn't even get the words out. All I could do was just to close my eyes and let the tears roll (and manage a whisper to Jeff that it'll be 5 years). Once I got my composure back, I was able to say that. This is still uncharted territory that we're all walking thru and when the waves hit, you just have to roll with it, feel it, work thru it, and keep going. I'm soo thankful that Jeff is so understanding and can relate and talk things out. More to follow....

3 deaths in 5 yrs time.

Five years seem like a long time. However, when you talk about loosing family members in that amount of time, it doesn't seem long at all. Those words "3 deaths in 5 yrs time" really hit me hard when Jeff asked for prayers for our family (in Bible class on Sunday) as we were about to head back to TX for Jay's funeral on Monday. A few tears while the prayers were being offered up to the one that understands better than anyone but heavy hearted tears once class was over and just about everyone had already left the room. I'm sooo thankful that Jeff was just there to cry into his shoulders and be told that I don't have to pull myself together and get a grip but, just to let the tears come out. Sometimes, ya just gotta let the emotions out. The trip down was ok (except for being at a stand-still for several miles but no accidents - just crazy drivers). K and G, and Sue (K's sister) and her husband Ed were already getting settled in for the evening when we finally got in. Of course, the kids got everything ramped up but it was still relaxed enough that we were able to get all 5 of us in one room (thankful for bunk beds!) by 11. The big problem I had was that the mental images of Donovan's casket kept coming up for me so it took me a while to get to sleep and even then, having R and J trying to sleep in the top bunk and feeling every move that J made didn't help either. Thankfully, L slept until about 5 and then went back to sleep after getting a few oz. Jay's funeral was at 11:15, Monday morning and it was at DFW National Cemetery. We were able to drive around the place for a bit (and it is HUGE). Jay was a Marine and also flew in the Vietnam conflict. I had seen the folding of the flag in TV (watched a special about Arlington Cemetery) but had never seen it done up close. There is soo much respect by those who perform their duties for the Vets. It was very touching. They have a special place for the service itself. Taps was played and the casket is never left alone until it's in the ground. I knew that this was done at Arlington but didn't know it was done nationwide. The director even asked K if they had permission to bury Jay. R didn't say (or do) much of anything during the service. She sat very close to Jeff while I had to get up with L halfway thru. J, on the other hand, wasn't sure what to think at the beginning. He told us he was scared and sat on G's lap the whole time. He also provided the comic relief as soon as the director indicated that the service was over. He said "When's Uncle Jay going to be buried?" "I don't have a back hoe to help but I can still dig!" This, of course had Sue and G in stitches. Children have a way of making things that seem unbearable, bearable. So blessed. When we were about to leave, Jeff took a few minutes to salute Jay (gut cry for that). Once a Marine, always a Marine and the core runs deep - even if you meet only once. Once again, blessed. We headed back home on Tuesday (as did Sue and Ed). I know that by us being there with family, it helped K, G, Sue,and Ed a great deal. We were all able to talk about the good times, share some laughs and become even closer as a family. I'm also proud of G. She is finally letting go of Donovan. She replaced all of the old pictures of Donovan in the living room with pictures of the children. There are still a few pictures up and that's ok. Everyone moves at their own pace. The key is to keep moving forward and not bottle things up (which is my big fear for K). Having to loose your child, your dad and then your brother in (almost) every 3 years is a lot and K is the type to not let any emotion come out. He's getting better about it tho. Also thankful that Ed and Sue are seriously talking about moving to the DFW area to be closer to K and G. My prayer is that they do move closer. More to follow.....

A time of first....

To start, allow me to apologize for not posting anything for the last month or so. The following will explain why. For the past month and a half, I have been rigorous agenda of getting something done that has never been done before. Straightening my back. The reason? My biological mother tried everything she could to hid the fact that she was carrying me. Towards the end, she got desperate. As a result, the MD's told my adoptive parents that I would either need to get cast on my legs (from the tips of my toes to my hips) for 8 months or, wait until I was a bit older, break my legs and then set them in cast. Otherwise, walking would be a challenge (if not impossible). What they didn't know (or understand) back in the early 70's was that the whole spinal/ muscle structure was messed up. Up to this point, my back has never been straight and, over the years, it has only gotten worse (don't ask how in the world my children were born when my hips were pointed 90 degrees down and tilted to one side - I have no idea except God's hand is always at work. Anywho, for the first time EVER, I've been able to lay down in bed and actually feel my lower back touch the mattress! For the past month, I've had my spinal cord literally rolled (it felt like a rolling pin) straight. It's been extremely painful at times and I know I wouldn't have been able to get through the last month without the love and support of my ever loving husband and 3 very understanding children. I am now, almost, pain free. :) In other news, R has really opened up and torn down her own mental walls since Donovan's death. She started Middle school and has a great teacher. She has become more loving and not so afraid to say "I love you too" to Jeff. She's developing her own come backs with with him that has sometimes caught him off guard and they both end up having laughing fits. :) The big concern we have right now is that she is failing math... Big time. At the parent/teacher conference, her teacher suggested that R be tested for Asperger syndrome (which I think she's borderline on) to see how we can help her grasp concepts. She's done really well in the other subjects tho. :) Things are definitely looking up and I am blessed beyond measure. More to follow.....

Rebecca's other dad...

Those words... "Rebecca's other dad" has become a new saying around our house and it's one that I'm not sure I'm ready to try and explain to a certain 4 yr old. J has seen pictures of Donovan with R lots of times. R calls him her first dad and she still has fond memories of him. The other day, J asked me if R's other dad died. I told him yes. Why? (at least this wasn't new territory for me but, it is new for Jeff to help explain) Answer: His heart stopped working. Reply: Oh. Ok. And then J goes on to play with R on something else. The first time this talk came up, I told him that Donovan was his first dad too. That only lead to confusion for J. R was 5 when Donovan died and that was difficult enough to work thru some of the questions (others haven't even been asked yet). How are we going to do this with a 4 yr old?!? In some ways, it's a blessing that J hasn't felt loss yet and isn't aware of the pain that goes with it. The only Dad that he's aware of and loves is Jeff. I know that this is just the beginning of J's travel thru knowledge and experiencing loss.... Just wish it hadn't started this soon... Oh well. As Jeff reminds me *quite often*, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Just so thankful that I do have Jeff by my side and we work thru things as a family. Blessed and more to follow.....

A blessing

I was reading something a few days ago and it hit home. It's something that I've been blessed with several times over the years and was thankful for at those times but didn't think much about it after those moments passed. It's something very simple but can be very profound for all involved. What I'm referring to is something many of us do. At some point in our lives, we all (at least hopefully all) rise to the occasion when someone we know is going thru a life changing event (ie: death in the family, a birth in the family, moving family members, etc). I'm sure we all get emails from our congregation(s) or group that there's someone in need of help. Question is, what do we do when the help is no longer needed and no one else that we know needs help? If you're like me, we go back to our daily, CrAzY routine (or lack of it) and don't think anything else about it. The problem is, the need (many times) is still there. The crisis may be over but it doesn't stop. The effects of a loss in the family is still felt month and years later (which is part of the reason why I'm still writing). While I am ever so thankful to those who rose to the occasion shortly after Donovan died, there is still an emptiness. There are still questions (tough questions) that some very young children are going to be asking and emotions that they haven't had to deal with that will come up. The shock wears off in time but the pain comes back and in many different forms. Same thing applies to the birth in a family. Children grow (thankfully) but the need for help is still there. I have a friend on FB that recently posted a thank you to a couple who (without being asked - and with several children at home of their own) took all 5 of her children so that she could have a few hours to get her hair cut and some down time for herself. This simple statement of thanks made me feel guilty. What was I doing to help others? What am I teaching my children? Children learn more from what they see than what they're told many times so, what am I doing to help them learn the importance of being helpful to others who aren't in a big occasion but still need kindness, compassion, or just a simple "You're important to me" action? It is soo easy to get wrapped up in our own family and their needs that we may be blind to others or, use the excuse (that I find myself using) of, I just don't have the time or the energy. Granted, there are times when we do need to slow down and rejuvenate ourselves and our family time. The thing is, we don't need to wait for life's big changes to rise to the occasion for someone. We need to be a blessing to those around us on a daily basses so that we can be what God calls us to be. Servants of His. More to follow....

Before and After

All of us have our before and after moments. Times that have changed our lives forever and sometimes, they happen in a blink of an eye. Those moments may also affect our families, friends, even co-workers. Those moments also define our faith (whether we like it or not). I've had several of those moments over the years. Getting adopted, leaving the children's home, becoming a Christian, going to college, figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, getting married, having a daughter, becoming a widow, having a son, dating again, Jeff finding me, getting married, and having another son. Some of the things I just mentioned, you have experienced yourself. Some of those things, I pray none of you ever have to face until you're in the twilight of your years and very ready to go Home. Through all of those moments (and the day - to- day task), God's providence has always been there. Even in the darkest times when I felt I couldn't get up. We've all had those times. Some that have only lasted a few seconds and some that have last several years. The challenge for each of us is to keep looking ahead for the "after" moments instead of constantly looking back at our lives before. We will never grow or become stronger in looking back and longing for the past. Each person has to keep going and always remind each other and ourselves that God is always present. More to follow....

How to deal.....

I haven't written on here in quite a while and, I apologize for that. Those of you who are parents, you KNOW how busy life can get...especially if there's 3 children running around and one of them is a 10 month old wanna-be walker/crawler. EEEEeeeekkkkk! Anywho, I wanted to get everybody caught up (somewhat) of what life has been like around here. The past couple of months have been CrAzY busy but, pretty much, in a good way. Jeff FINALLY got to meet my parents in person in May. It's the first time they got to see Lex as well and it had been three years since they had seen J or R. It was a nice trip over all but, we won't be staying in a hotel in Taccoa next time we go back (THAT is a whole ballgame in itself!). Also got to see some of Jeff's cousins in Birmingham (which is always great) and R got to spend some one-on-one time with one of her favorite people. :) The kids and I also spent the week with K and G while Jeff was in the Dominican Republic on a singing/mission trip in June. We were able to be there for Father's Day and to help celebrate K's birthday and Margie (G's mom) birthday as well. The week had it's challenges but, overall, a good week. On Father's Day, Jeff was able to talk to K a little bit and wish him a happy Father's Day as did I. The sad thing is, he was on auto pilot. It was very obvious that K didn't want to think or feel anything so, like most people who don't want to face (or deal with) their grief, they go on auto pilot. It will be 5 years come December and the signs are showing up in K (complexion, lack of sleep, weepy, etc). Of course, they both have their plates full. K's brother Jay, has been mentally going downhill at a fast rate. Six months ago, Jay was functioning on a 4 or 5 year old. Now, he's functioning on a 1 or 2 year old. Margie has started refusing to eat at times or to take her meds so, the facility that she is at has to call G and then Margie will eat for her (or meds, shower, etc). I am worried of how they will cope when Jay passes. K hasn't allowed himself to completely grieve from Donovan's death or his dad's passing 2 years later. I'm sure that they both tackle with the "If Only" game.... If only we had done this or that. Life would be much more different than it is now. I used to do that until I finally just took this life for what it was, let the Almighty deal with whatever consequences that other people had, and just do the best I can for Him and His glory. I constantly see on FB (there are three groups specifically for widow's/widower's and I see this "What if" mentality over and over again. The truth is, no matter how much wishing you or I do every day, our lives have nowhere else to be but with us. Too many times, we all fall into the "what if" and waste time by either wishing or wondering the day away. God hasn't jumped ship on us and we shouldn't jump ship with Him either. If we do, Satan has won the day. It's each of our choices whether we get back up on our feet and keep trusting and obeying Him or let Satan keep us down. Keep your head up! :) Also, please keep K and G in your prayers and thoughts. It's going to be a rough road ahead and they're going to need all the love and support that they can get! Thanks! More to follow.....

"Best day of my life"

This week, we had a bit of a celebration in our house. R got a medal and a certificate for being on the A, B honor roll this year. The school had a reception for the students in 3rd grade who made either all A's or AB honor roll. They had video clips of the students and what they liked the most about their school/teacher(s) and what they will miss the most in moving forward in the fall. The video's were cute and moving at times and R was proud to see a video of herself. They also had each student go forward and receive their medal and certificate in this accomplishment and say thank you to their teacher(s). After R got back from getting her's, she said "This is the best day of my life!" I haven't seen her so excited and happy about something in a while so, it was a nice change. Things have been a bit crazy around our house since we started having a neighborhood kid coming to play. This little girl is in R's grade but is 10 yrs old and hasn't had it very easy at home. I'll call her T. T's mom has a live-in boyfriend and (I think) they are trying to make it as a couple and as parents (without being married) and they have caught on that T lies about everything as easily as she does breathing. T goes to be with her dad every other weekend in Tx (somewhere) and the live-in boyfriend of her mom's also has a daughter (which, understandably causes friction from T). T is very needy and would love to be anywhere else than at home. Lately, she has taken on some behaviors that have been unsettling for Jeff and I. T knows about us loosing Donovan and lately, she's been acting (and talking) about either loosening a grandfather (somehow a rock he gave her made its way at M's house and in M's driveway) or a friend who passed away recently. When T does this kind of talking, she puts on the big show of crocodile tears and acts all sad and such. Granted, she doesn't do this show at our home but, she does it over at M's and it causes R to become very quiet and go into a shell of course. Jeff has suggested that we (and M's mom) talk things out with T's mom so that she knows what's going on and then figure out how to teach T that this behavior isn't acceptable. I don't want to come down on T so hard that we aren't able to show her what true friendship and loving God is all about (she goes to Bible class with us on Wednesday nights). Any suggestions? Anywho, R has been wearing her medal *almost* everywhere she goes. It's a true testament of how far she's come and how hard the teacher(s) have worked to get her to where she needed to be. More to follow.....

Stability

I haven't posted anything in soo long! Sorry about that. The latest (and greatest) news involves R. :) Yesterday afternoon, Jeff and I had a conference with R's teacher, math teacher, and speech therapist. We came in and one of the first things the therapist told us was that she was going to go slow since it was obvious that both of us are running on very little sleep. This has been a HUGE challenge in our home for several reasons. One is that L is teething (he has managed to get one tooth out so far and working on more) and that cuts into his sleep. I'm just thankful that they only go thru this painful ordeal once and don't remember anything later. The other challenge is that J hasn't been sleeping through the night every night either. It's almost like he and L have this unknown code between them that if one does sleep thru the night, the other will wake up at 1, 2, or 3 am and cry about something (ie: growing pains, wet the bed, bad dream, etc)... One of these days, we WILL get a full week of uninterrupted sleep! Anywho, R's therapist said that all of the teachers have agreed that they don't think R needs special assistance anymore. This means that, next year, she won't be pulled out of her class for speech therapy, counseling, or small group math class. This is a huge accomplishment for her. When she was test last year, she was struggling to put a whole sentence together that made sense (ie: given the beginning of a sentence and then asked to finish it) and she stuttered a lot. The stuttering made it really frustrating for her in trying to get out what she wanted to say. She still does stutter a little (especially when she's really excited about something) but she kinda stops to think about what she's going to say next. One thing that the teachers said that really hit home for me is that R is much more confident about herself. She's happy and willing to work hard at whatever task she's given. It will take her a while to figure things out but, she tries hard and it's paying off. They also said that a large part of her self confidence is because there's stability at home. If Jeff and I hadn't met and married, that stability would still be off track, even now. The fact that Jeff had been able to be at home in the mornings and take her to school and then be able to pick her up (or walk her home) in the afternoons made a big difference. She is finally coming out of her shell more and it's beautiful to watch. Sometime last year, R asked me "When this daddy dies, are we going to move back to Dallas?" That question hit hard for Jeff and I both. After I told her that I wasn't planning on that happening for a long, long time from now, she seemed more willing to let her guard down a bit. Jeff has been awesome in taking the time to reach out to all 3 of the children and to answer R's questions. Case in point: We have a neighbor who lives catercorner to us. They have a daughter who is in 1st grade (I'll call her M) and she and R have been two peas in a pod since we moved her. They HAVE to see each other at least once a day (even if it's only for 15 - 30 minutes). Last year, M lost her Grammy to cancer. Grammy used to keep M whenever M's mom had to be out during the evening. Last week, M's mom had to go to be gone for about an hour and a half and we had both girls over and playing in the back yard. They (and J) get along great and everything was fine until about the last 30 minutes or so. M started getting homesick and missing her grammy. She hurt her finger somehow and that started the tears. It also got R to missing Donovan. They cried together, M's mom came home and M went home and R came in sobbing hard (right at the same time of feeding L). Got L down to play, Jeff and I got R to her room and let her cry and talk it out. Once the tears had dried up, R started asking the hard questions that we adults have a hard time with (ie: Can he see me? Why can't I see him? When am I going to see him? How can he see me in heaven? etc). Jeff made things simple enough that she was happy with the answers. Then, back to the normal routine of supper, homework, etc. I am so thankful that R feels comfortable enough to ask Jeff those tough questions. I am also thankful that the teachers at Sidney Deener Elementary School are willing to take students from where they are to where they need to be academically. Blessed. More to follow...

Seeing a casket...

Yesterday, R and I were driving home from the store when we passed by a cemetery. At that exact moment, there were a group of guys starting to carry a casket to the grave site. This, obviously, got R's attention. She seen a casket before but, it was from the very back of the auditorium and we had emphasized that it was a celebration of life and not a funeral. So, upon seeing the guys with the casket, R begins to ask questions such as, why are they doing that, what happens to the body, and finally, what is a soul. Sometimes, children can really put you on the spot with their questions. During the whole conversation, R never mentioned Donovan or anything related to his death. Her conclusion was simple. "I don't want to go to dust, Mom". Oh the simplicity! :) More to follow....

A month of sickness (actually two)

I haven't written much over the last month or so because our whole family (or at least 3 at any given time) have been sick (yick!). Mostly, it has been both of the boys and either me or Jeff that catch something. R has escaped most of whatever is going around ( or managed to hide it well enough so that she can still go to school - which she HATES to miss). This whole sickness ordeal has been kinda frustrating for Jeff in that, he usually only gets sick (maybe) once a year. Since he now has a rather large family, he's been sick more times than he can remember. LOL. But, at least the family that shares together, stays together. More to follow....

A little difficult this year...

There's an old saying that (in dealing with grief) the actual day is not near as difficult as the days leading up to it. This year, that saying proved very true for me. In the past, the days leading up to J's birthday didn't bother me very much. This year, for whatever reason, it did. This year, Super Bowl Sunday was difficult. I kept having flashbacks of the night before I was admitted to be induced in having J. At that time, everything was unraveling for me. It was like my brain was split in half. One side wanting to run into light poles just to escape the pain and uncertainty of bringing that baby into the world with out his father being there, and the other half saying Stick it out! It will all be ok. The Lord was definitely looking out for me that night. Most of the young families at the congregation where I was going to were having all the ladies (and kids) meeting at one house and all the guys at another house to watch the game. I had never been to the house that the girls were meeting at so, I had to follow someone. In doing so, I stayed in my lane instead of veering off and hitting a light pole instead (and no, there wasn't a warning that this kind of break down was going to happen - it just did). Had some fun and was able to talk to a fellow social worker (Thank you Velvet!) and then able to get home (again, following someone's tail lights). This last Sunday, those memories and feelings came flooding back and I actually felt panicky. Jeff and I watched the last half of the game and all the jumbled thoughts in my head calmed down. Yesterday was rough as well. I told Jeff that all I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball someplace and just cry it all out. Sad about what was lost and over thinking about the future. Knowing that J will never know who is father was and worried about how we are going to react (and talk out) when he discovers that (and ask) why his last name is different than ours. I understand and respect the wishes of K in having R and J keep their last name. With R, it's not going to matter as much since (hopefully) one day her last name will change anyway but J... he's the last Spear of the family. That's a lot to ask of a little boy who doesn't have any comprehension of what a legacy is. Thankfully, Jeff and I were able to talk it out last night in helping me work out my "what if's" and then gently reminding me that we'll deal with it when we get to that point. It's sooo easy to play the what if game and then easily get depressed by things that haven't (or may never) happened yet. That is when the verse "put all your cares on God for He cares for you" comes in. It's easy to say and sometimes very, very difficult to do. More to follow....

The suprise

Last week, I asked Jeff what he thought of having a combined birthday party for him and for James since they both "almost" have a birthday in the same week. Jeff was all for it so, we figured out when (the 1st) and who we wanted to our first ever party at the house and started getting things set up... Or at least somewhat set up. At the time of the party, we still had a lot of empty boxes close to the back door (which Jeff will be using to get his stuff out of his old house), boxes in the hallway, and a corner full of boxes in our room. One day, we will be box free! Anywho, when R came home from school yesterday, and became really excited. She told me she had a surprise for Daddy but not to tell him. She told me that she had made him something but didn't show me what it was.... It was to be a surprise. She then helped Jeff get the carport cleaned up and set up for some BBQ (which turned out delish!) and waited anxiously for everyone to show up. In all, we had 19 people in the house and it was sooo relaxing and fun to just hear and watch everyone in the den and then in the dinning room. When there was only one family left, R decided to bring out her surprise. It was soo sweet to watch Jeff's reaction and also the other family's reaction. You see, she did all of this on her own. I knew that she got tickets for good behavior and grades from their teacher that they can then use for prizes. R must have saved up quite a few to get the candy and I have no idea when she made the card (but I'm guessing it was while at school). This was HUGE from her. She doesn't show emotions very often (ie: hugs, holding hands, etc) or even saying "I love you" very often either. Of course, this just made Jeff's day and got him wrapped around her little pinkie even more (of course, she has had him wrapped around her pinkie from the beginning but he wouldn't let her know that). Later that night, Jeff asked me what K and G would have thought if they had seen the card. I'm not sure what their response would have been. They probably would have thought it was sweet and give R praises for it but, as to what they really thought, not too sure. They are still very guarded about their emotions (K especially) but, their eyes usually git it away. Overall, it's been a good way to start off the month. :) More to follow.....